Sept. 17 '99
Well, since I just started this I guess I should say that recently i have started college and am now residing in Chico, CA. It's a nice place really. Very much hotter than foggy San Francisco, but still nice. The people are so much friendlier here, but I guess that comes from being such a small college town. I'd write more, but I kinda don't feel like typing right now...
Dec. 27 '99
Um. i guess i haven't really written in here for quite some time? sorry. i don't keep up with things like this much. life changes and i hardly ever have time to notice it changing let alone write it down.
it seems as if i've flipped upside down and inside out and yet everything is all going on track. i have friends, i have a life (sort of anyway! don't wanna jump to too many conclusions.) i have a family, and a home, and i go to school (sometimes) and i go to work (when necessary)...what more do i need?
i have often thought that love, affection, attention, trust, a relationship in general with another being that will love you and dedicate themselves to you was necessary to life. well, i have not fucking found it yet and i feel like i am going to die without it. maybe that's why i go running in all the wrong places. why is it necessary for me to pay attention to the looks of strangers? to turn every word, every moment into an affair, a secret expression of love, a relationship waiting to happen. is it really? god, i always thought i was desperate. maybe not, just really needing attention (or thinking i need it) and striving to get it. okay, so maybe i am desperate. but doesn't everyone need love, want love, strive for love? and i always feel like what i get isn't love, but a falling apart viscious cycle tearing my heart into pieces and making me believe that i am making something of myself, that this time things are going to be different.
and look what i'm doing, trying to appeal to strangers by pouring out thoughts onto a website no one visits?
Feb. 27 '00
it's 230am here as i sit in front of a computer screen wondering what to do with myself on a saturday night...everyone i know seems to have disappeared...i am alone...bothered, but not bothered by it...i realize that this is a journal i only write in when i remember it exists...oh well, my thoughts are just well spread out...i don't have any books to read, no one to talk to, just my lonely computer to sit at and write pointless thoughts to myself...an exhilarating life i lead, no? well, i have nothing to say really, and am tired of pouring out my aimless, wandering philosophies that even i can't understand once i read them again...
Feb. 18 '01
hmmm...one year almost has passed since i even have thought about writing in this little thing here. let's just say life has changed just a little in the last year. i feel married sometimes (which is both a good and bad feeling). weird, if i were alive 60 years ago, i would be too old to be getting married now. i would also be considered a whore, so maybe i won't keep thinking about 60 years ago...ahh...little kitten maynard runs frantically back and forth on the floor. he is angry because someone is in his bathroom. i wonder if cats get as bored as humans do. i wonder if cats feel boredom period. i just hope this cat lasts longer than the last one (i really miss jose). right now i really miss mike. curiously, he's only been gone for a little over 24 hours...and i feel like i haven't seen him for days. i guess that's what seeing a person nonstop every day does to you. i even miss him when we're apart because of school. is that sad? or evidence of a deeper connection? i think both. it's bad that i depend so much on another person, but i think that no matter what, life is just like that. if not a lover to depend on you would depend on your parents or friends or bosses or co-workers i'm sure. i like to believe i am completely independent.....ah, my ramblings are pointless. i am tired and bored but yet i do not want to go to sleep because i don't want to be alone. i don't want to feel the cold sheets against my skin or the emptiness of a double sized bed half-filled. (or actually, for my size, a quarter filled)....not even the cat keeps me company, he would rather bite my nose then keep me warm, bastard....i guess i must face the inevitable...