The Case of the Missing PANTS
This little gem was cooked up by none other than Jen Wilcox: cousin of Paul, writer of Ode to THE PANTS, and star of "B2: Wedding Day"
...with some help from THE PANTS Mistress of course.
It was a dark and stormy night, and Kevin (having just recovered from David deciding that it might be musically spontaneous to ensure that Squidboy played the keyboard with his head) sat convulsing in a corner, muttering about Shop Vacs and building a trap for rabid flesh-eating weasels, while Paul (more commonly known as Dr. Love) terrorized and horrified all who were in attendance by decorating the gluteus region of bandmembers, crew, various large animals, and Stan (oooh scary) with what can only be described as "those purple stickers from hell" (which are of course described by Jeff as "my purple stickers" *evil cackle*).
David, master of the feather boa, was rummaging through the entire bus searching for the omniscent, the omnipotent, the omnipresent...THE PANTS, when Mark walked in, out of breath from a run in with a sadistic border guard (read: amateur proctologist) and swatting at imaginary flies, having arrived from the last tour just yesterday.
DAVE: Mark, were the hell have you been!?!
*Dave jumping on top of Mark and attempting to suffocate him for the sheer unadulterated joy of it all, and of course, to welcome him back*
MARK: On tour, where the hell were you?
*Mark obviously suffering from some kind of not-water induced blackout was not aware that the last tour had ended two months ago, and that a new one was just beginning*
Dave just shakes his head, convulses a bit while This Shrieking Love is playing (because we all know how Dave loves to "dance") and keeps searching.
Jeff, covered in lamb's blood holding two seemingly lifeless chickens and four defenseless hamsters, appears (notice Jeff appears...he doesn't walk in...Jeff is an immortal...they appear).
JEFF: What are you looking for Dave? *evil cackle*
DAVE: My PANTS! Did you take them Jeff?
JEFF: No, no, of course not...and I didn't take that feather boa either...I told you I didn't want to wear it...honestly, I didn't like it one bit! *Jeff's nose growing*
Jeff then proceeds to run out of the bus in search of the Satanic Bible that he buried in the graveyard. Dave continues his ongoing search, muttering "Pants just a little too tight...kicked in the window, never thought to pay...always loved them 'cause they're blue...Damn that's catchy!"
Paul walks in, badly bruised from one of his more curious spontaneous musical journeys (read: un-called for and particularly henious drum solo).
DAVE: Fuck you, Paul!
PAUL: And Fuck You Dave! Boy, i've always wanted to say that! What've I done now, pretty boy?
DAVE: You took THE PANTS, didn't you?
PAUL: No! You wanna discuss this further...outside?
*Dave recalls the whole drumstick in the eyesocket episode, as well as the menacing way in which Paul ran over Keith in his golf cart and murmurs...*
DAVE: No, no, thats all right..."THE PANTS, THE PANTS they're oh so tight...THE PANTS,THE PANTS they're out of sight...Damn that's catchy!"
Dave grumpily continued his search. From the corner of his eye, he noticed a fresh coffee stain on his uncomfortable bunk.
DAVE: Stan! In a second, you'll be fired!
STAN: [expletive] you Dave! What the [expletive]? What's that [expletive] you're [expletive] babbling about? Why don't you [expletive] off, you [expletive] [expletive]!
DAVE: THE PANTS! Oh, THE PANTS!
Stan gives an unconvincing quizzical look to Dave, then tells him to...ah, screw it, too many expletives!
DAVE: The coffee stain! I found the coffee stain! I'm the victim, you're to blame!
STAN: No...
Stan drops to the ground and rolls about for a bit, then gets up and takes out the flashlight...Dave shrieks than gets the feather boa...Stan backs down, knowing the wrath of Dave and his feather boa is much worse than anything he can dream of doing to Dave with his flashlight...
STAN:Fine...
Stan gets THE PANTS and grudgingly hands them to Dave.
DAVE: You know Stan...if you're really looking for a date...i mean these pants are not the answer...I suggest stealing Mark's leather/vinyl/PVC pants! Now those are a chick magnet!
STAN: Damn you Kate, Jaded and Jen!!
The End
Thanks to Jaded for letting me take this off her page and put it directly onto mine. Also thanks to her for editing this and making it seem like I'm actually funny(you'll have to teach me that someday...)