at the beach

by mary

At Ben's house

Mrs. Gillies: Alright boys, time to get up! We're going to the beach today!
Ben: Ughghrphlulumph..........what time is it?
Mrs. Gillies: 5:30! That's it! Bright and early! We want to find a good spot for a picnic.
Chris: (dreaming) 1....2...3...4...get yo' woman....on the flo'...
Daniel: (kicks him) shut the f*ck up, rap boy!
Chris: Unnhhh, what? Oh, gmorning. YAWN
Ben: Has he been doin that all night?
Daniel: Worse. At about 3:00 he started his yoga lessons.
Mrs. Gillies: So what else do you want for the picnic? So far I've got skim milk, fat-free butter, 1-calorie potato salad, lean beef, pepperidge farm nutty health buns, sugar-free reduced fat oreos, and......strained parsnips.
Chris: Gee. She really knows how to take the fun out of food, doesn't she?
Ben: Hmm, mom, what do you think I want? Maybe something......that has a little f*ckin' substance to it?!
Mrs. Gillies: Oh, I've got just the thing. Marshmallows! ......with 8 essential vitamins and minerals added, of course.
Chris: It's hopeless. We'll just have to get something at the fast food place.
Daniel: Kangaroos R Us? No way, that's the greasiest stuff that ever walked the earth. There's probably twelve grams of fat per onion ring.
Ben: Oh, sorry, I didn't remember you were trying to maintain the figure of Kate Moss.
Daniel: Hey, don't you start with me! Besides, I'm way over her. I've developed my own individual style.
Chris: Hyeah, as in crap style.
Daniel: Well, you guys don't have any experience, so how would you know?! Hmph! (stomps out of the room)
Ben: Nice going, pootie pie. Now we're gonna be stuck with him in a bad mood all day.
Chris: Well, too bad for him! I'm not gonna go around saying he's got the makeover of the century when he looks more like swamp thing!
Daniel: I HEARD THAT!!!!!
Chris: Heard what? Oh, you mean when I said, "Queen of Bejing"? That's what I said, honest!
Ben: NIce try, Mr. Anagram.
Chris: Oh, shut up.

After driving in the car for about an hour listening to fm rap radio (Chris got the front seat), they finally stopped at the beach.

Daniel: Okay, I call the front seat next time. I was ready to pop listening to that funk crap of yours!
Chris: Maybe you just need to broaden your horizons a little.
Daniel: Maybe I just need to broaden the puffiness in your nose a little.
Chris: Well then.....
Ben: C'mon guys! Let's hurry up and find a nice secluded place where the teenies won't find us.
Mrs. Gillies: Wait, you don't want to forget your surfboards.
Ben: Oh yeah, thanks mum.
(after walking a little while....)
Daniel: Hey, this looks good.
Mrs. Gillies: Okay, boys! Time for lunch!
Chris: Wow, this is really great, but I'm not going to be able to stay all day. Sometime I gotta get home for my......er......(looks at Daniel and Ben, whispers into Mrs. Gillies's ear)
Mrs. Gillies: Alright, I understand.
Ben: What? What do you have to go home for? (crunch)
Chris: Oh, nothing. (munch)
Daniel: My ass nothing! What secret could you possibly have that we don't know about already? Yoga lessons, "The Grind," what? (slurp)
Chris: Well, it's kinda complicated.....
Mrs. Gillies: Oh, there's nothing to be ashamed of. Clothing advisor at Victoria Secret is a very respectable job.
(Daniel and Ben start rolling on the floor laughing)
Daniel: You, of all people, actually has a fashion sense? Who would have thought?
Ben: Well, of course they're going to hire their number one customer!
Chris: Hey, that's not funny!
Daniel: Oh, you're far from the normal one now. Now you're a grind-dancing yoga-taking pantyhose-selling momma's boy!
Chris: (sniff) You guys are mean! I can't believe I was ever your friend! I'm going surfing now! (starts running out into the ocean)
Ben: Aw, man, he can't go out right after he's eaten!
Daniel: Chris! You buttwad! Come back here before you get cramps!
Chris: You're the only one who gets those, Daniel! Besides, I'd rather get a concussion than hang around with you anymore!
Ben: We've gotta go after him.
Daniel: Don't worry about it. He won't go out too far.....will he?
(They see Chris surf out farther and farther. He suddenly cringes with pain and gets surprised by a big wave. It knocks him over, hitting his head on the board.)
Daniel: Oh no! What have we done?

Ben: Oh shit! Call an ambulance or something!
Daniel: Where's baywatch when you need 'em?!
Ms. Gillies: No, there's not enough time! You guys have to save him!
Ben: Alright, you heard my mom. Come on!
Daniel: Aw, man, and wash off my makeup.....shit, I'm going to regret this.
(That cheesy baywatch music starts playing as they run towards the water in slow-mo and their hair flows behind them. Chris is face down in the water, and they grab him and rush back to shore.)
Ben: Oh, shitty shit shit shittin' shit!!! He's not breathing!!!
Daniel: So give him mouth-to-mouth or something!!
Ben: I don't know how!! You're the only one that passed CPR class, remember?!
Daniel: So what are you saying?
Ben: Dammnit, Daniel, he may be odd, but he's our friend!! I don't care if he's a fucking cross-dresser, but he needs us to save his ass right now!!
Daniel: But he called me a swamp thing!
Ben: Would you stop bickering and save his f*cking life??!!!
Daniel: Okay....(starts getting Chris in position, when suddenly Pamela Lee appears and takes over)
Pamela: It's ok, guys, I'll take it from here.
Ben: But.....I thought you quit Baywatch!
Pamela: I've decided it's my natural calling. Now everybody move out of the way!
(Hours later, Chris awakens from his dark dream and finds himself in a strange place. It is white everywhere and there are two figures standing above him.)
Chris: Heaven......?
Daniel: No, dippy, you're in the hospital. You had a concussion; you've been out for a while.
Chris: Kate....Kate Moss, is that you?
Ben: he he......
Daniel: (muttering) f*cking f*ck f*ck....
Ms. Joannou: Hey, sweetie weetie. it's me, mommy.
Chris: Mommy......blankie? where blankie?
Ms. Joannou: Right here, sweetie, I brought it for you.
Chris: Khan? where Khan?
Ms. Joannou: Sorry, honey, I couldn't bring him in the hospital, but he'll be waiting at home for you.
Chris: Ok....mmm......zzzzzz.....
Nurse: Why don't you give him a while to rest. He's had a big day.
Daniel: Gladly.
Ben: Oh, don't be so cold-hearted, Danny. How can you possibly dislike that wittle teddy bear?
Daniel: Well, yeah.......I guess we're even, seeing that Victoria Secret fired him. Ben: We both new he couldn't last long in the fashion business, it's too stressfull. Hey, I'm suprised he didn't ever see you there.
Daniel: Well, it depends, what shift does he wor- oh, heh, you were kidding.
Ben: I like your style just the way it is. It makes you look....delicious.
Daniel: hee hee! you really know how to woo a girl.

THE END