by skye
One fine morning in Australia Daniel woke up screamin' attop his lungs
Daniel: AHHHHHHHH! I got it.
Mrs. Johns: Daniel what are you doing screaming like that! Did you find out about Sweep being male?? (she said with horror hoping he did not becuase he always wanted a female dog and when he fell in love with sweeps saying it was female but it wasn't..we had to do some surgery...tomake it female...for Daniel's sake)
Daniel: Whaaattt! :::whimper:::
Mrs. Johns: Uh Oh ... that is nothing :::laughing trying to hide her guilt:::
Daniel: MAAA! That wasn't funny!!
Mrs. Johns: Well why did you scream then Daniel Paul Johns
Daniel: Mum don't call me that..I hate me f*cking name..why didn't you name me something cool!
Mrs. Johns: What would you like me to call you then if you Don't like Daniel MASTER!
Daniel: Uh..how bout Roberto or Fernandez or something with lingo?
Mrs. Johns: Breakfast will be on the table in an hour..now why are you screaming...??
Daniel: Well if silverchair doesn't succeed for 200 years like me an Ben expect it to..then I have a job I want to persuit!!
Mrs. Johns: (walking up and sitting in her sons power ranger bed) Aww honey what is it.
(she rubs his back and he smiles with glee) A garbage man, an exotic dancer..cause I am good at dancing and ben thinks I can do it because i have balls....
Mrs. Johns: Uh :::cuts him off::: and your other job
Daniel: Own a salon and major in nails and hair do's!
Mrs. Johns: Yeah honey well you follow your dreams ok and whatever makes me happy!
Daniel: Really so you will let me be an exotic dancer because me bum is tight and good and I am skinny and me deeck is....(that is dick peoples)
Mrs. Johns: We will discuss this with your father.
Daniel: MUM! You know he wants me to be a f*cking fruiter...I mean if it weren't for me extreme bod and talent we wouldn't have that vibrating bed dad bought thinking I wouldn't find out
Mrs. Johns: :::looks away in shock..how did he find out she thinks to herself::: Well your father has back problems
Daniel: Yeah Whatever MUM! I know you guys did alot while I was on tour with Ben's mom..I am not stupid. I mean I can tell when you have been satisfied..your hair turns even blonder!! Cause it happens to me too!
Mrs.Johns: Back to that hair salon... why do you want to do that?
Daniel: Well I like cutting hair..and stuff! I like painting my nails and I think It would be gimp. We can have heaps fun mum! It will be hell!
Mrs. Johns: well if you want to be a hairstylist what do you want to do? color hair cut it wash it? You need some dummies to practice on... some manicans...!!
Daniel: ick WASH! Mum are you sick! Washing is sooo 90's :::he rolls his eyes, she looks at him as if he is a 4 eyed goon::: I hate showers..and shampoo that smells like flowers...makes me feel gay!
Mrs. Johns: :::seeing where this is going tries to explain::: Well some of your customers might want clean hair..for instance Ben or Chris or Heath or Chelsea
Daniel: Chelsea N' Heath can wash their damn hair at home then come to get it cut. I don't want prissy smells in my solon except nailpolish, and hairspray. And Ben hasn't washed his hair since..... well.... see even I don't even remember!
Mrs. Johns: Well you can't always have things your way........
:::cut off when Ben walks in..hair tucked behind his ears eating a lollie like one would eat hard steak:::
Ben: G'day!
Mrs. Johns: Did you knock..I didn't hear you
Ben: Cute PJ's Daniel, where did you get them...Toy's Me Us..Nope I just invited myself in...Like this.. .:::knocks on Daniels room doo, covered in pictures of sweep n' himself:::
Ben: Who's there!
Ben: its that wonderful hot sexy godlikeman that you must kiss my feet and serve me for or be enslaved forever. :::smiles walking in and curtsying:::
Ben: Ben you are so suave
Ben: Thank you Ben you aren't so bad
Ben: but you're better
Ben: No you are more charismatic than me!
Ben: No you are
Ben: Yeah I am
Ben: No your not mate..you suck...and smell
Ben: Oh yeah
Ben: yeah :::he wrestles himself to the ground::: I won!!!!!!
Daniel and Mrs. Johns give him queer looks
Ben: See, that is how I did it!!
Daniel:aww- Shut up That is Toys R' Us...and no I got them at K-Mart thank you very much.
Ben: Yeah Whateva'...I think i am going to trim my hair a tad..it's getting in my food now
Daniel: it always got in your food Be....*Ping* :::Idea strikes Daniel:::
-In his thoughts-
:::You need some dummies to practice on... some manicans...!!::: That is what his mum siad... mums are always right! He has an evil look spread across his face. Ben is a dummy! hehe he has long hair to cut! I think I might just...
-Reality now-
Mrs. Johns: Daniel for the 5th time answer me!!
Daniel: What the f*ck do you want mum
Mrs. Johns: Don't use that tone of voice with me young man
Daniel: Listen I gave you choices-either Roberto or Fernandez, Ok!!!!
Mrs. Johns: I will leave you to alone..I am late for my psycho-theropy classes AGAIN!
:::walks out:::
Daniel: Whats a manican
Ben: its manican...its...uh
-Ben's thoughts-
I don't want to look like a blonde infront of Daniel...think Ben think....
Ben: uhh....Its a man... that cannn.??!! Yeah! hehe A manly man that you can do anything too and he wont be offended cuase he is buff...LIKE ME
Wow, he kind of looks cute in Power Rangers stuff.. I wonder if he still owns that silky red thong with matching spaghettie strap top that he stole from his mum??
-Daniel's thoughts..evil gleam crosses his eyes-
Well mum said I need a maniceobin...whatever you call it..and ben is a dummy and a mani..whatever ...so I have my first victim....I mean client. hehe this will be some fun. Hmmm he looks cute sucking that lollie so hard..I wonder if he still has that silky red thong with matching spaghettie strap top that he stole from me mum??
Ben: Daniel for the 7th time answer me!
Daniel: What!!
Ben: Why are giving me evil kinky looks.
Daniel: uh I was? Oh I have an idea
Ben: Tell me
Daniel: I DON'T have to tell you everything! You're not my item or something
Ben: :::looking up in horror::: Its CHRIS isn't it..CHRIS..ever since he shaved his head you have been eyeing him haven't you... Hmp...WELL I think I will leave now and go back to.... uh...... that neighbor that just moved in..she is hot
Daniel: that 75 year old woman???!!!
:::Ben storms out:::
Daniel: Ohh damn! Hell I love it when he plays hard to get..I hope I didn't upset him though!
Daniel (running downstairs after Ben): Aww Ben come on...I don't have to tell you everything.
Ben: Does it have to anything to do with ME!
Daniel: Wellllll....
Ben: BYE Daniel
Daniel: Fine LEAVE! Go to your F*cking 75 year old woman I don't care!
Ben: FINE
Daniel: FINE
Daniel knew he couldn't take it much longer and realized he had to get his job and prove to Ben that he was all that...specially with a cool job like a hairstylist!
Daniel: Maybe I should be an exotic Dancer?! Na!
So he ran into his room and picked up the phone and dialed 411
0: (operator) 411 how may I take this call
Daniel: Take it anyway you want to but I need a hairstylist's number
0: Area
Daniel: Here
0: I need a location, ma'am
Daniel: Do I sound like a woman to you!!
0: I am sorry sir..you were saying
Daniel: Hair stylist!! Damn you F*cking operators you don't know Sh*t!!
0: I am sorry to hear that sir, but.....
Daniel: Ahh go locate your pencil....
0: We don't appreciate prank calls from 12 year old boys!!
Daniel: But this isn't a prank...I need an operator now!
0: I am here... I need a location for a hair stylist
Daniel: Give me one that lives in uh... Newcastle..yeah, or Merewether
0: Ok name of local
Daniel: Wha?
0: What place do you want to go to
Daniel: I don't know that is why i am asking you
0: well sir we are here to help you not to give you our opinions
Daniel: Well, isn't 411 information?
0: well....(cuts her off)
Daniel: Thought so..now give me a damn hairstylist
0: I am not taking this kind of treatment... goodbye
Daniel: Fine I didn't want to talk to you anyways!!
Slams the phone down and looks around.
Daniel: I have to go out now... god why did I even take a shower then last night. Ugh I hate when mum makes me shower!
He gets changed into cords and an old yellow faded shirt that says Bite Me on it
Mrs. Johns: I hope your going to only go to Ben's house with that shirt
Daniel: Aww bite me mum..Ben can too
Mrs. Johns: did you two get into a fight?
Daniel: Yeah and your point is... NO NO NO NO you are not giving me another son mother lecture on how Ben is my best friend and Ishould go apologize because he is my guest and I shouldn't miss treat him like that becuase he is sensitive, and cries too much and won't be able to take the guilt so go appologize now or else!
Mrs. Johns: No Daniel, that is the speech I gave you for Chris!
Daniel: Oh..Yeah well then that other speach you gave me on Ben
Mrs. Johns: I never did, Danny
Daniel: F*ck you mum I said I am either Roberto or Fernandez..pick one or don't talk to me...yeah just don't talk to me
Mrs. Johns: What an attitude Mr.
Daniel: ITS FERNANDEZ DAMNIT!!!!!!!!!!
Mrs. Johns: Your father is going to rip your eyebrow ring out of your head if you start up.
Daniel: Whatever...
Mrs. Johns: Well why don't you stay in here and cool of Mr...I mean Fernandez
Daniel: It's inside..shouldn't I cool off outside.
Mrs.Johns: Think about what you did young man!
Daniel: leave out that young crap..I am almost 18 mum!
:::she walks out of the room::: Daniel gets up and looks for a phone book
Daniel: where did I put it..ahh yea that day me and Ben ordered Gummi Bears Movie... under my bed
:::through millions of clothes feminines, nail polish, lippie, eyeliner, static guard, buns of steel videos, weight gainer milk shakes and other misellanous products::: Daniel pulls out a phone book from 1996. he dusts it off, coughing.
Daniel: Think mum needs to get her @ss in here and clean... its not my problem.
Slowly shuffling through pages and pages of yellow pages adds he finds 4 distinct adds he enjoys. And he is deciding to visit them in this order
Nudies Studio Hair
Women Wanted who are size 36C or larger
Daniel: I thought they measured Jockstraps other ways..oh well can't be too sexist.
Grandpa Toni's Kiddie Corral Do' dd Ranch
If you like them cowboy boots and cuttin hair in britches ... this is the place
Daniel: Ben always liked riding my pony :::Daniel smiled at the thought:::
Llama Locks Pet Cuts
Daniel: I love Llamas..maybe they will give me one as a consolation prize
Violent Violet
Coed Nail and Hair Salon
" Live a Little"
Daniel: Ben wants me to be less insecure and more active... at least that is what he said 2 nights ago in his jacuzzi when we were playing loosy goosy find Prince Albert.
So Daniel went downtown and searched for the salon's in order. He came up on a "corner" and spotted the salon and walked in. He immediatly ran out.
Daniel: Damn they said nothing in this add about Naki women. Ugh how unloyal to Ben that would be
He slowy rounded into a "deserted" area to Grandpa Toni's Kiddie Corral Dodd Ranch and walked in....
2 minutes later
Daniel: Get off me hair you damn kids
Kid 1: He hair long .... I like giwls
Daniel: I aint no F*cking women now get off me. He yanked kids off his back...pulled grasping fingers off his nappy locks and untied a 14 year old girl from around his leg with sheering scissors saying over and over... F*ck me you blonde rock star you...now I want you now!!
Daniel: How do you know me name?
Teeny: I saw your..uh band.... and it uh played that song.... 2legit or something and your so hot...do me now baba! He unwound her arms from his legs and ran off. When he came to the next hair salon he caught his breath before walking in
An old man came up to him and shook his hand violently.
G'Day I am Dundy..me and me pals...we chop animals haiz..you want me to give yey a job Mate!
Daniel: Hell yeah!
Dundy: K well... why don't you come here and say 'ello to me dauter Mary Anna Lousisy Jessica Parker Stevens Junior
Daniel: F*cking long @ss name sir
Dundy: :::grabbing Daniel by the collar and lifting him in the air::: Are you saying my daughters name is oogly!?
Daniel: :::choking back tears managed to bawl out::: no sir..it's.....(cough) lovely :::he whispered::: DONT RAPE ME PLEASE..I am toooo young and skinny to die. see? He lifted his shirt.
Mary Anna: Daddy put him down now.... I will work this boy.
Daniel smiled and turned, almost vomiting last years food up. Mary Anna stood about 6'2 and was HUGE... built like a man. She obviously didn't know what the word SHAVE meant and man did she smell.. Daniel thought to himself least I have the decency to wear colongne and deoderant and shower 1 every week or so...she hasn't showered since..... 1924. He leaned over almost getting sick.
Mary Anna: Daddy, he looks sick
Dundy: I think he is just happy to find my precious poosky girl so beautiful.
DAniel looked up shaking his head violently disagreeing and managed to yelp out softly help me.
Mary Anna: :::smiling showing her blackened teeth with one missing and red poppy gums and blisters all over her mouth::: Daniel turned away gapping, his eyes pratically popping out of his skull.
Mary Anna: So..Deeaniallll (she licked her lips) you like monkey see monkey do?
Daniel: no i like hide and no seek..how bout you hide...if you manage to fit anywhere and I will try NOT to find you!!!
Mary Anna: Burped and growledd DADDY he said mean stuff to me
Dundy: :::looking over::: You what!!! now ... he walked over..his boots clunking around and a dead animal in his hands.
Daniel: I thought you were hair salonists
Dundy :::bawling::: We be SKINNA's and that hair of yours looks mighty fine..he said touching it with his bloody hands... lifting daniel by the neck
Dundy: Now kiss my daughter and make her happy or you will be in serious PAIN.
Daniel: Oh I already am just from the looks and thoughts of what is going to happen.....F*ck.
Dundy: WHAT!
Daniel: just admiring your.... uniquely Differant daughter
Mary anna smiled... kiss me you handsome twig... her lips met his and he pulled away but her embrace was tight as her father pushed them together...when she pulled away dragging him to the back room he basically fainted....
Daniel: Breath mints please.... how bout some pepto bismol or tums...ugh..god I feel sick
Dundy: don't kill the poor boy like the last guy..you mushed...though he had some tender juicy meat to eat for 2 days. She smiled letting out a gurgly noise. Daniel saw there was no escape.
:::trying to stall::: Why didn't you call this place hell
Mary Anna: so we can attract visitors like YOU...she slowly undid her shirt and his pants. He gasped and almost hurled his intestines when he saw part of her hairy chest torso... he finally managed to let out a scream and she began tearing his clothes off.
Daniel: OH GOD NOOOOOO HELLPPPPPME PLEAASSSSEEEEEE DAMMNNNIIITITIITITIT FFFF*******CCCCKKKKKKKKKKIIINNGNGGNNGNGNGNG
Mary Anne: Ohh you're so feisty...this will be fun, then i will skin your head and sell it for fur.
Daniel: NOT ME HAIR YOUR A BLOODY CROCK
Mary Anne: :::snorting and letting out deep gurgles::: you have no idea.
Daniel: You SMELL get of me! He managed to squirm away and run for dear life out of that place not even looking back pratically stumbling over his own two feet running into people and RAN all the way home
He cut through many fields and "the bush," running past Ben's house totally disgusted
Ben: Ohhh Speed Racer.. ey. Daniel..your pants are falling down now!
Daniel: sheet. (sh*t to you in US lang.) He jerked up his hip hugged pants and ran and ran, storming into his home
Mrs. Johns: Where is your shirt
He winced in total torment and disgust
Daniel: Damnit, my favorite shirt! Ahh they can keep it..I can afford a new one.
Mrs. Johns: Daniel your a mess... were you in that mud pool with Ben again?
Daniel: That is none of your business if me and Ben go into mud puddles or not..NO..I went to a hairsalon..or so I thought
Mrs. Johns: we must have a serious talk about lying in this house, Mr.
Daniel: It's Fernandez he managed to bawl out through tears... I hate raping jails but worse I hate areas that you think are good that end up being like raping jails.
He quickly washed his hair and jumped into his PJ's discarding of those clothes and jumping under the covers mumbling to himself how he would never leave the house again.
:::next morning...phone rings:::
Daniel: :::picking it up tired and groaning from loss of sleep::: Yeah
Ben: Hi, can we talk?
Daniel: not now, I am tired
Ben: Why did you run home so fast..with no shirt on
Daniel: you wouldn't understand..its a LONG gross story
Ben: sounds like you were with Chris because I called him and he was tired, too
Chris: no, that was Khan and Chris... I went out
Ben: So there is another man in your life
Daniel: Ben! Stop it! I have to go
Ben: Fine..damned if I give a sh*t. and hangs up
Daniel: Damn why is my life so bad... he stood up and got changed...I have to get Ben back..I have to go to that last salon.
He got changed, kissed Sweep, and walked out. He ventured to the town square and came upon the last place he missed..Violent Violet and opened the door
:::Inside:::
Skye: Maria..listen to me..he wants Blue braids with frosted hair
Maria: Shut up! Frosted brainds with blue hair
Skye: no
Maria: yes
Skye: no
Maria: yes
Skye: hold on
Maria: yes
Maria: yes
Maria: yes...SKYE! I wasn't done yessing.
Skye walked over to him..his eyes were black from lack of sleep and he was all bedridden and worn out
Skye: can I help you?
Daniel: yeah you can! :::smiling::: I want a job
Skye: you want what??
Daniel: a job
Skye: a job...here?
Daniel: yeah...do you have any skinners? he said scanning the area
Maria: What!!??
Daniel: Well can I have me job
Skye: Ok, any experience?
Daniel: Oh yeah..yesterday I was in 3 salons looking for a job.
Skye: have you ever worked for one?
Daniel: no, but I mean, how hard can it be to cut hair?
Skye: HARD
Daniel: you are too? Damn I thought I was alone here...does it show??
Maria was laughing and Skye gave her a dirty look, pulling him to a table in the back
Daniel: ahhhhhh!!!!! I don't want to be raped
Skye: Raped??!! What are you talking about.... Oh yeah... did Maria tell you about ..nevermind!!
Daniel: huh?
Skye: fill this out
Daniel: Ok
Sex- not yet
Name- have one...
Address- have one of those
Zip-..?? yeah got a zipper..what is this usless information for???
Experience- I used to cut my dogs tail hairs and stick them in my hair so I wouldn't forget her.
Have you ever been to jail- IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY..yeah..and they tried to rape me, too!!
have you ever been convicted of a felony-does getting kinky with guys count?
He finished writing the stuff out and stood up walking up front where Ben stood
Ben and Daniel: what are you doing here? I am here to get a job? You are? NO GET OUT!!
Skye: Hey we have 4 positions to be filled so you can both have a job..as long :::looked at his form and handed it to Ria, laughing:::
Maria: Uh...yeah you'll do just fine. she said looking at him up and down.
Dnaiel: I will!! Ha see ben..I am better than you..haha
Ben: Oh sniff it!
Daniel: I would but you wont let me
Ben: yeah becuase Chris is your ITEM
Daniel: No he is yours..you always loved him more than me (just then Chris came in)
Skye: Our favorite customer! What is up?
he smiled shyly and took off his beanie. Ben and Daniel's mouths dropped.
Ben: favorite customer..sooo that is why you don't return my calls, talk to me..cause you hooked up with some chicks.....not bad!
Chris smiled shyly as Maria hugged him greeting him and bringing him in
Daniel: :::jealous of his attention::: So why are you here if you have like no hair?
Chris: Visit them, talk, color my hair..I am going to go white.
Daniel & Ben: WHITE! hahahahahahah
Chris: :::lips quivering::: Oh shut up..better than your hair... nappy long crap.
Ben: shut up I am triming it, K?
Daniel: you...are??
Ben: yeah... right now
Daniel: NOOOOO!!
Ben: WHAT!!
Daniel: don't cut it.....yet....if..uh you cut it now...er you will get .... herpes!!
Ben: cool!!!.... but I guess I will wait and treasure me hair for now...so Chris..do your stuff.
Daniel :::sigh of relief::: just then Nicole walks in....
Nicole: some guy wants me to shave him and I don't think that was in my contract, SKYE!
Skye: Uh.... is he cute
Nicole: yeah why?
Skye: then what is your problem.....:::wink wink:::
Nicole: ahhhh who are the visitors
Ben: Mr. Suave buff
Chris: Chris
Daniel: Fernandez Roberto
Skye: is that your name!!
Ben: haha, NO its Daniel
let me read more stories!
back to drained