What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.....that's my philosophy in life. I have to remain strong if I want to survive in my world. I look back at the year 1999 and I don't regret a thing. Everything I've been through has given me the power to know who I am and what I want. No other year in my life has been more self satisfying, and I'll certainly never forget it.
In January I had began my second semester of my senior. My parents had been divorced for over four months and things were still rocky. I was always caught between my parents, always having to choose sides. I felt as if I was being pulled from all directions. I wanted to hide from everything so I could gather my thoughts....but sadly that rarely ever happened. My grades were slipping in school, I couldn't concentrate with the tension between me and my parents. I tried talking to my parents about how I felt, and they told me I was just having "teenage emotions." None of my friends understood anything I told them, I felt so alone. How was I supposed to live when I felt so alone? Little did I know that things were to get much worse as the months moved on.
By mid April the tension between my Mom and I grew much worse. We always fought and she was constantly putting me down. She was never home, almost every night she was out with a friend or with her new fling of the week. I'd always spend my nights alone on the computer talking to some of my online friends and listening to my BSB CD's. I wasn't happy with my life at all and began to grow suicidal. I wanted away from the pain and I thought killing myself would be the answer. Being alone all those nights gave me time to think about how I could away from my mother's negativity so I decided to go move in with my dad. I started packing up my things and called up my dad and we began to move my stuff to his place. My Mom had come home and found out what I was doing and we got into a huge argument about how I couldn't move out until I was eighteen. There was yelling.....screaming.....even hitting.
My Mom was too wasted to realize how badly she hurt me. Course through my anger I couldn't see anything but rage so I grabbed the last of my things and left my mom's house. I spent a total of two weeks with my dad, then the unthinkable happened. My cardiologist has told me that I needed another heart surgery. I had already went in for one surgery the past September and I never thought I'd have to go in for another. I cried myself to sleep that night. I didn't want to go through the whole experience again it was too stressful. That next week I went in for my surgery and slowly I recovered. I spent most of my time during recovery thinking and praying. For the first time in my life I began to doubt my faith in God. I had no idea who he was....or why he seemed to not be listening. After I was released from the hospital I was forced back into my mom's house. My friends had all graduated and I was left behind. I missed my finals due to my surgery so I was not able to graduate with my class. I wanted out from my mom's grasp, but I had no where to go....I was trapped.
As the months passed things stayed the same. The daily fights with my Mom were becoming almost unbearable. Finally I was able to move back in with my dad. He was moving to Kansas City so I would be able to live there if I promised to let him stay there on the weekends. Once I moved in and I was on my own, things started to look up for me. I was feeling like a whole new person and I was finally free. I thought nothing could stop me...but I was wrong. In August I had to undergo yet another heart surgery. This one wasn't quite as stressful as the others and I recovered from them twice as fast. I held my head up and walked through the barriers of life with flying colors.
In September I was going back to school. I wanted to finish and get my high school diploma. I thought I was on top of the world...but I had a few more hurdles to jump over. I had to be rushed to the hospital for a sudden attack of a kidney stone which caused me to be out school for several weeks. The day I was to return to school I was in a car accident. I hurt my left knee, my right ankle, and both my wrists were sprained. All of this caused me to miss a total of five weeks of school. There was no way for me to graduate in December as planned. My dad informed me that if I wasn't going to graduate in December he would no longer support me. I had no choice but to drop out and work full time. I never though I'd be a high school drop out. I felt like such a loser, but everyday I remind myself that I had a good reason, and I fought until I was defeated.
The year has ended and I'm ready to face the world with new colors. I'm happy with who I am and I feel great. Never in my life have I've been more confident. I can't wait to see what happens this year. I've said it once before and I'll say again....what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.