"the friday before valentine's day, brian was driving me home from my airshift...and instead of taking me home, he drove us to the beach and got down on one knee as it started to rain.  oh it was marvelous."

It comes as such an appropriate time, as I have just been perusing some old entries, where I first met christa...this came about because of a post ot a Tori mailing list I'm on.  The post was about a tribute page a gal was building about suicide survivors.  Something then, that caught my eye.  Here's the link: Floating in Darkness...A suicide survior page

She related the tragic loss of her stepfather that really got me.  As I myself nearly tossed my bones to such a fate a few years ago, I was truly moved by her depiction of the pain and frustration her stepfather's death caused in her.  She encouraged feedback on the site and it's layout so I wrote my feelings and my experience with the subject...apparently the bulk of such responses were from fellow near suicides, so much so that the site master is going to include these stories as well...

This all prompted me to go back and revisit the journal entries from that bleak period...when the only true light I saw was Christa...

So if I hadn't been explicit enough here before, I'll say it outright.  I'm jealous, insanely jealous of Brian.  There never died a hope in my mind that christa and I would someday, somehow, get together...yet it was a painful dream to have. If there is any man I could see treating Christa as well or even better than I would try my heart to do, it is this man. The two of them will make the kind of marriage fairytales are told of.