| Tuesday, December 25th, 2001
2211
So Horn woke me up at 0700 this morning to ask me if I wanted to go diving today. After I haul my ass out to where I "thought" he meant we were diving, realized I forgot my wetsuit (I keep it seperate from the rest of my gear, hanging in my closet on a special hanger, and in my not so awake yet state...) drove home, got it, drove back out, didn't see him, drove to *another* spot he might have meant instead, still failing to see him (and it being 0845 now, 45 minutes after he said he was going to be diving with his friends) I figured he had either kanked it because the waves were pretty choppy and the current looked nasty, or was already underwater...either way it meant I wasn't diving. Wow. haven't written such a long winded sentence that bad for a long time now. Goodness gracious great balls of fire. Speaking of which I am missing Christa's new mix CD...probably because I haven't gotten it yet...stupid spiffy color jackets. I mean...I understand the creative and personal nature that requires the jacket before it's sent...but I just am dying! She said she had a lot on her mind about our friendship when she was making and I am anxious to see what she meant... Something I don't think I have ever discussed in my journal (and yeah, that's my not so subtle hint that I'm going to do just that now) is the state of my thoughts regarding Christa and the little near romance we almost but didn't quite have... (OK, the nasty, long winded sentences seem to be making a roaring uproarious showing today. Must think hemmingway. Must be tert. No long sentences. Must stop this. This is stupid. Yet this is fun. Heh heh, ok that's enough, sorry Glen-in-the-future, and you current like readers.) OK, back on track...is my wandering indicative of a little nervousness? Perhaps because I know my dear friend Christa will at some point read these very words? Perhaps. Fact of the matter...every once in a while I imagine...things. Like, what if I had never joined the Army (no, this has an original point this time, bear with me). What if I had stuck it out up at HSU. What if Bryan had never come along? What if Christa had never gotten engaged. What if Christa, for whatever reason, broke things off with Bryan, or something happened to Bryan? What if Christa and Bryan get married and something happens to end the marriage years down the road? Well...by now I think you've gotten the idea of where I'm heading...but I'll spell it out anyways because, after all, this is my mind. (forgive me this obscure reference, ok?--> "Welcome to my Mind".) I realized in an epiphany in Indianapolis, IN {(at Deer Creek Ampitheatre, which is actually in Noblesville, IN...but few people besides tapers, concert geeks, or area locals ever know the significance of Antioch,TN; or Noblesville, IN; VA Beach, VA; Camden, NJ; Mtn View, CA; George, WA; etc., etc.) And at this point I think it isn't nerves, more like I'm just really getting into/off[? you decide I'm not sure] on all these cool little nugget like tidbits.} that I loved Christa. It always was easiest to call it a platonic love, easier for me, easier for her, and so I believed that. Case closed and everyone's happy. Every once in a while though, when I'm in a somber mood like the kind being alone on Christmas brings on, I wonder if in fact, I was/am truly just kidding myself for the sake of pretenses. I have said on a few occasions, that on the evening back in February 1998, when I asked her out to dinner, that I was actually seeking only a friend. What I don't think I have ever explained correctly is that I couldn't think of a way for me, as the man I was then, to become friends with her, as the woman she was then, besides asking her out on a "date"...and thus making it seem I was looking for more than a platonic relatioship. I hope that wasn't confusing. Everytime I think about that date--the chinese resteraunt we ate at comes to mind (it was actually quite a nice chinese resteraunt for downtown Arcata) and how I was so eager to impress her. I wanted her to order whatever she wanted and I got a little frustrated when I realized I would have to prod her into ordering...Which is all so funny to me now because what I didn't realize then is that she was a vegetarian and didn't eat meat except for certain occasions, mostly special occasions and in fact that eating meat even makes her sick sometimes...and everything I ordered, potstickers, chow mein, sweet and sour pork...all had, duh, meat. I both feel the fool and laugh my ass off at myself for that one. I guess it wasn't really my fault, she never intimated that she was a vegetarian, and she almost refused to order for us. About a million diversions and much personal amusement later I start to get to what I am really getting at; Just assuming, for a tenth of a second, that everytime Christa has said, "I love you" to me, that, instead of it being purely platonic and being the love of a friend, there was more to it than that...That all these years we've been away, everytime she's said she misses me...it's more than just seeing me that she's missing. That deep down she's with Bryan but really wants to be with me? OK, so that was a really LONG tenth of a second. All I meant by that is how ridiculous it is, how out of touch with reality and fantastic a thought it is. I am happy that she is with Bryan. I wish nothing but the very best for her. If it turned out that she's been pining for me for the three years I've been away from Arcata...frankly I'd be shocked. I don't know how I would handle that. OK...so did I lay a good framework? Yup...none of that was the real issue I wanted to bring up. I'm such an asshole for being so long winded tonight aren't I? Well too bad. I'm lonely and this is taking up some needed space :P There is no better friend than your innermost thoughts and your medium of choice. Real issue: Taking that tenth of a second and making it truth...would I feel the same? I always think that it started out that way, or at least I *wanted* it to start out that way...just wanting a friend at first and moving onto more as it could? Last time I saw Christa...god that was back in 1999 it must have been, just after the Tori summer tour and when my cousin Alex was visiting. That's when I first had thoughts like that, just after I realized I loved Christa. When I saw her back then I couldn't help but think how attractive she looked that night...better than she'd ever looked. I don't know if it's because she really *was* more attractive, or if it was just my mind telling me that. I don't know and I never will I think. But Ever since then there was this nagging question...what if she and Bryan didn't work out? Would I want to begin a more intimate relationship with her? After all these years of being just friends? Speaking as best I can, I honestly don't think I would. Some would say that the entire reason I bring it up is that some part of me wants all of it be dead on target...but I really think it's about as far fetched as the movie _Fetch_, and why do I bring it up? hell it's my bloody journal isn't it? When I attend Christa and Bryan's wedding, will I see a sad little twinkle in Christa's eye, a twinkle invisible to everyone but me...real or imagined, that says, "I love you. Bryan is a really great guy and I'll have a good life with him, but you're the one I really love."? Will I be looking for that twinkle, whether I want it to be there or not? OK...so now christa will read this, eventually. I don't know how often she gets online or visits my site now a days with her busy college, Bryan, home life, work, and student teaching life. I am pretty sure of what she'll have to say, but there's just this tiny little part of me that wonders sometimes, like now, tonight...so hell, why not drag this horse out into the sun and ride it about a bit. I almost feel a fool for even putting it up here. I could have the whole issue settled by just asking her directly...but the thought to ask never comes up, and I'm more comfortable analyzing it all out here anyway. Really I just never felt the need to ask her directly--it just doesn't merit that kind of in your face frontal assault... It feels less threatening (at least it does to me) when it's presented as pure rumination and recapitualization. (For that matter, I am unafraid to make myself seem the fool just to display to the world my own personal little neurosis about love, it's place in my life, and what it really is) OK, so now after you've slaved through all of that, let me just make
a few last minute additions...First of all, I am not the only friend Christa
says "I love you" too. I remember very distinctly a while back when she
confessed to me that she saying a lot, to a lot of people. It's never struck
me as odd.
Tori Amos _The Vodka Mix_ current mood: depressed
Comment: taliana
*hugs*
Previous Nothing on this date last year |
|