Update #3
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Update #3
COBAIN INVESTIGATION UPDATE #3
June 14, 1995
COBAIN'S DEATH WAS A RIP-OFF,... A TAKE OVER. THE COBAIN MONEY MACHINE WAS
ABOUT TO GET TURNED OFF. ONE WAY OR ANOTHER, THIS MACHINE WAS GOING TO STAY
"UNPLUGGED" IN.
THE SO CALLED "SUICIDE" NOTE
After all the lies and inconsistencies prior to the discovery of the body,
my first question when I read the note was, "Did Kurt write this?" It took
some time to be sure, but I eventually determined he did. I believe he wrote
the whole thing, with the possible exception of the line at the end which
reads, "which will be so much happier without me." Upon close examination,
the thickness of the line print in these words, (on the copy I made from
Courtney's fax machine), appears to be thinner than the line print in the
rest of the note. This may indicate a different writing instrument, less pen
pressure, or a different "writer" altogether.
Handwriting experts have differing opinions about these last words on the
note.
As far as I'm concerned, this "added line" theory is not a critical issue.
There's a substantial amount of evidence to prove Kurt was leaving Courtney.
Her constant verbal abuse and criticism had convinced him he was a bad
influence on his daughter. If he DID write this line, he was simply
indicating he thought Frances would be better off away from what he
perceived to be this "bad influence."
Could it have been a "suicide" note? I wasn't sure at first. But as I
reviewed my notes, studied the case, and continued gathering information
over the next several months while working with Courtney, I concluded with
complete confidence, this was not a "suicide" note. This was a note to
Kurt's fans explaining his decision to quit the music business, to stop
touring and to stop performing.
Read the contents carefully. Here was a guy who cared about his fans. Here
was a guy with compassion. He had a drug habit. He had some flaws. But he
seemed to care about others more than he cared about himself.
Is this a letter from a self-centered father who had no concern for his
daughter? Does this sound like someone who didn't care about the images he'd
be leaving his little girl,... images of violence and physical destruction
that Frances would be forced to visualize the rest of her life whenever she
thought about her dad?
Are these observations alone proof that Kurt Cobain did not commit suicide?
No. Just something to think about as you try to understand what was on
Kurt's mind when he wrote this letter.
To Boddah pronounced
Speaking from the tongue of an experienced simpleton who obviously would
rather be an emasculated, infantile camplainee. This note should be pretty
easy to understand. All the warnings from the punk rock 101 courses over the
years. Since my first introduction to the, shall we say, ethics involved
with independence and the embracement of your community has proven to be
very true. I haven't felt the exitement of listening to as well as creating
music along with reading and writing for too many years now. I feel guilty
beyond words about these things. For example when we're backstage and the
lights go out and the manic roar of the crowd begins it doesn't affect the
way in which it did for Freddy Mercury who seemed to love. (?) relish in the
love and adoration from the crowd. Which is something I totally admire and
envy. The fact is I can't fool you. Any one of you. It simply isn't fair to
you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by
faking it and pretending as if I'm having 100 % fun. Sometimes I feel as if
I should have a punch in time clock before I walk out on stage. I've tried
everything within my power to appreciate it, (and I do. God, believe me I do
but it's not enough.
I appreciate the fact that I and we have affected and entertained a lot of
people. I must be one of one of those narcissists who only appreciate things
when they're gone. I'm too sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order to
regain the enthusiasm I once had as a child. On our last three tours I've
had a much better appreciation for all the people I've known personally and
as fans of our music, but I still can't get over the frustration, the guilt
and empathy I have for everyone. There's good in all of us and I think I
simply love people too much. So much that it makes me feel too fucking sad.
The sad little, sensitive, unappreciative, pisces, Jesus man! Why don't you
just enjoy it? I don't know. I have a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition
and empathy and a daughter who reminds me too much of what I used to be.
Full of love and joy kissing every person she meets because everyone is good
and will do her no harm. And that terrifies me to the point to where I can
barely function. I can't stand the thought of Frances becoming the miserable
self-destructive, death rocker that I've become. I have it good, very good,
and I'm grateful, but since the age of seven I've become hateful towards all
humans in general. Only because it seems so easy for people to get along,
and have empathy. Empathy! Only because I love and feel for people too much
I guess. Thank you all from the pit of my burning nauseous stomach for your
letters and concern during the past years. I'm too much of an erratic, moody
baby! I don't have the passion anymore and so remember, its better to burn
out than to fade away. peace, love, empathy. Kurt Cobain
Frances and Courtney, I'll be at your alter.
Please keep going Courtney
For Frances
For her life which will be so much happier without me. I Love you. I love
you!
What was he saying?
Some writers have said the letter doesn't make much sense. This is because
they're reading it in the context of a "suicide" note. Once you realize it's
simply a retirement letter, it all comes together. It makes perfect sense.
IMAGINE FOR A MOMENT that Kurt is alive and well. His band broke up and he
moved away from Seattle. All performances have been cancelled. Now read the
letter again. IMAGINE Kurt wrote it to explain his decision to his fans.
Why does it all make so much sense now? Because that's precisely why this
note was written!!
Who is Boddah?
In an article written a couple of years ago, Wendy O'conner, Kurt's mother
indicates Kurt had an imaginary childhood friend named "Bodah." After Kurt's
death, a reprint of this article appeared in the new Rolling Stone book
about Cobain. The spelling of this name in the reprint was changed to
Boddah, matching the spelling of the name on the "note."
According to our preliminary research, the addition of the word "pronounced"
after the name Boddah on the "note" seems to indicate this was a spiritual
reference to Kurt's beliefs in Buddhism. Although it may appear to some who
have no understanding of Buddhism that this was like addressing a letter to
God, the terms used here would more accurately be interpreted, "to all who
are enlightened."
This theory certainly makes more sense than the idea that he would address a
note to an imaginary childhood friend, then proceed to talk to his fans,
those who understood him and his ideals,... those who are "enlightened."
The important thing here is the body of the note. The body of the note
clearly indicates who this note was written to. This note does not belong to
Courtney Love. It was written to Kurt's fans. It BELONGS to Kurt's fans.
What did he mean by "the...ethics involved with independence and the
embracement of your community has proven to be very true."
I believe Kurt was saying he'd been warned about greed, corruption and
exploitation in the music industry. He was saying these "warnings" had
proven to be true. This realization robbed him of the exitement he once
experienced while playing and performing in earlier years.
When MTV broadcast the reading of portions of this note by Courtney, the
caption displayed on the screen for another line in the letter read, "I HAD
it good."
The actual note reads "I HAVE it good." A subtle but distinct difference in
revealing the mental state of the writer.
What about the line at the end of the body of the note?... "I don't have the
passion anymore and so remember, it's better to burn out than to fade away."
This has always been a commonly used phrase to describe motivation for
retirement. In the entertainment field, it usually refers to quitting while
you're on top instead of fading from popularity.
Others also use this phrase to describe their personal decision to retire. I
quit the Sheriff's department because I was "burnt out." I was bored. There
were no more challenges. I'd done everything I wanted to do on the
department including undercover assignments, dune buggy, mountain bike and
helicopter patrol. I was a detective at Malibu Sheriff's Station when I made
my decision. As far as I was concerned, I had the best job in the county. I
had a good reputation, no enemies, no beefs. I was simply "burnt out."
Looking back over the years, I often regretted that decision. Whether or not
you agree, I'm a better detective than I am a businessman. I eventually came
back to what I do best. In time, Kurt may have come back too. Of course,...
now we'll never know.
"Please keep going Courtney. For Frances, For her life..."?
While I was with Courtney at the Peninsula hotel, several days before Kurt's
body was found, she said almost exactly the same thing to me.
"If he doesn't want to do it, (referring to the Lollapalooza tour), he ought
to do it for his baby, for Frances."
Kurt, no doubt, had heard this from Courtney before. He didn't want this
lifestyle any more. He didn't care about the money, but he knew money and
fame were important to Courtney. So he was telling her, "YOU do it. YOU do
it for Frances and for her future."
Although Kurt wanted out of the marriage, he still loved Courtney. He was
leaving, but he'd continue to publically support her. He naively believed
that would be enough to satisfy her. It would give her the freedom to do
what she wanted to do,... and it would give him freedom from the BUSINESS of
creating his music,... something he once enjoyed with the innocence of a
true artist.
ROLLING STONE
December, 1994 Issue
In an interview with David Fricke, Courtney responds to a probing question
about the so called "suicide" note left at the scene of his death.
D.F. - "Did Kurt's suicide note make any sense to you - that he'd found any
kind of peace in what he was going to do?"
C.L. - "He wrote me a letter other than his suicide note. It's kind of long.
I put it in a safe-deposit box. I might show it to Frances - maybe. It's
very f__ked-up writing. 'You know I love you, I love Frances, I'm so sorry.
Please don't follow me.' It's long because he repeats himself. 'I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'll be there. I'll protect you. I don't know where
I'm going, I just can't be here anymore.'"
How do I know Kurt was not talking about suicide in THIS letter? Because of
the obvious terminology and,... Courtney admits this "other" note was "not
really like a suicide note." On Sunday, April 3rd, when she couldn't find
him, Courtney told me she thought Kurt was leaving her. This "other" letter
simply confirms what Courtney already knew, but what she never wanted anyone
else to know.
A CONVERSATION WITH COURTNEY
As mentioned in the Summary of events, Dylan Carlson and I checked the Lake
Washington residence to see if Kurt had been there. The house appeared to
have been recently cleaned and straightened up. Dylan said he'd never seen
the house this clean before. It was usually pretty messy.
We were supposed to look around even if Kurt wasn't there, to see if it
looked like he'd been to the house. Dylan said if Kurt had been there, he'd
be able to tell.
After reading in Rolling Stone that Courtney claimed to have another note
left to her by Kurt, I was curious where this note was found. Even more
important, I WONDERED WHY SHE HADN'T TOLD ME OR THE PRESS ABOUT IT!!
On January 19, 1995, Courtney and I talked for over an hour. Following is a
transcript of the discussion we had about this "other" note.
TG - What about the other note? You mentioned in Rolling Stone about another
note that he wrote to you.
CL - It's like a letter and it's not really like a suicide note. It's like,
it seems more like, it was like in a sealed envelope, and it was just like
to me, and it seems like he wrote it in rehab.
TG - Where'd you find it?
CL - It was in my bedroom, under my pillows.
TG - Under your pillows?
CL - Yeah, and I didn't tell anybody about it but Rosemary and uh, I told
Sgt. Cameron about it,
TG - Yeah,
CL - I let him see it, um,
TG - There's only one problem with that Courtney.
CL - What ?
TG - I looked under your pillows,
CL - Well,
TG - Just like we looked under your mattresses.
CL - It was there.
TG - That's how I found the Rohypnal, between your mattresses. That note
wasn't under your pillows on the bed.
CL - Tom, it was, and I showed it to Sgt. Cameron, and he can prove it. I
own it. I'll show it to you, whatever you, if you want to see it.
TG - Yeah, I'd like to see it. I'd like to see it. But what I'm telling you
is, it was not there the night before the body was found, or the night
before that. Because we, you know, you can ask Dylan about this, we picked
the pillows up. We were looking for drugs. We looked under the mattresses,
that's where the Rohypnal was. There was no note in an envelope.
CL - It was like right, right, it was ah, it was in ah, it was in a long
legal envelope, white envelope, that was sealed. It had my name on it and it
was definitely in Kurt's writing, and it was right under my pillows.
TG - Yeah, Ok.
CL - Like I have a bunch of pillows on that bed, it was right there.
TG - All I can say to that Courtney is, if you say so!
Did Courtney really tell Rosemary Carroll about this "other" note? Not
likely. At least not for several months. Rosemary was initially furnishing
me with evidence that implicated Courtney in Kurt's death. She would have
told me about this other note if she knew about it.
Did Courtney show it to Sgt. Cameron?
I don't know. But if she did, it should have been booked into evidence and
it should have been listed in the police reports. The fact that it wasn't,
indicates either Courtney is lying or the police have covered up the
information about this "other" note.
Two notes. One to his fans explaining his decision to quit performing. The
other to his wife explaining his decision to leave her. Neither of the notes
were suicidal!
One of these notes was deliberatley concealed from me and from the public
while Courtney pretended to encourage me to investigate Kurt's death!
When and where did Kurt actually write these two letters? I'll have more to
say about that in a future update.
What about the so called "suicide note" from Rome?
I mentioned this note briefly in the Summary Of Events. I'll have more to
say about that note and the events in Rome also in a future update.
A FEW QUESTIONS FOR SEATTLE DETECTIVES
Who was trying to use Kurt's credit card after he died?
Was Michael Dewitt ever interviewed in person? If so,...
When?
Did Courtney tell the police about the "other" note left by Kurt? If so, ...
When?
Why wasn't it booked into evidence?
Why wasn't it mentioned in the police reports?
Why were there be no legible prints on the shotgun?
What PROOF do the police have that this shotgun blast was SELF- INFLICTED?
ABOUT THE SKEPTICS
I've received letters from a few supporters telling me some of their friends
think they're crazy for thinking Kurt did not commit suicide.
This case has been difficult to present because of the extensive details
that need to be compiled, analyzed, and studied. Many who are skeptical
don't have time to read the material carefully. As a result, they tend to
dismiss the investigation without knowing all the facts.
As I mentioned before, this is going to take some time. The media has been
saturated with stories of Cobain's so called "suicide." Intelligent people
have good reason to be skeptical. But intelligent people will also want to
have an open mind if they care more about truth than the pre-fabricated
media manipulated fantasies that have been rammed down our throats by a
small army of publicity and promotional experts.
If you're interested in the case, but you're getting confused with the vast
amount of information, you may need to re-read the material. The picture
will form gradually as you review the details and as additional information
is provided in future updates.
The answers to many of the questions asked in letters I receive have been
addressed in the material already released. Most of the remaining questions
will be dealt with in future updates. I'm going to review and outline
important details later, but for now I want to move forward and talk about
some of the additional evidence I haven't yet disclosed.
Most of the mail I receive however, indicates opinions ARE changing. Here's
a small sampling of the type of mail I receive every day.
From Houston Texas:
"I have to admit that when a friend offered to send me the summaries of this
investigation of Cobain's death, I began reading to see what kind of
paranoid conspiracy some glory seeking P.I. had concocted. I was quite
surprised to find more than enough evidence to convince me that there is a
whole lot more going on.
Thank you for showing interest in this case..."
From a Prodigy Subscriber:
"That is some pretty convincing evidence you have there. My opinions of the
whole issue changed after reading your summaries."
From an America Online subscriber in Seattle Washington:
"I am constantly talking to people about it... even people that never really
cared are now beginning to care, a few at a time."
From Quebec, Canada:
"I appreciate very much the great work you are doing on the Cobain case.
Since the beginning I was suspecting that something was going wrong with all
this story. I'm also sure Kristen Pfaff was murdered... scuse my English.
I'm a French speaker."
From Australia:
"I just wanted to thank you for the reports on your investigation. I sent a
copy to ... a nation-wide radio station in Australia..."
From The United Kingdom:
"Thanks for letting so many people see your writing. I have shown it to my
friends and they too are changing their ideas about whether or not it was
suicide. Keep up the good work!"
These letters are like fuel for me. They help keep me going in the face of
some pretty powerful opposition and attempts at intimidation. To all who
have taken the time to write,... thank you. Tom
TO ALL E-MAIL RECIPIENTS: We experimented with attaching a copy of the
Seattle "suicide" note to this e-mail update. Due to the volume of e- mail
we're sending, the time involved in uploading the "attachment," and problems
incurred when a letter is returned undelivered, we finally determined it was
impractical to do this. If you'd like a copy of the handwritten note, send a
self-addressed stamped envelope and we'll send it to you.
Please send all correspondence and requests to:
The Grant Company
291 S. La Cienega Bl. Suite #301
Beverly Hills, CA. 90211
The E-Mail Address for the Grant Company is - TGrantCo@aol.com
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