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"COUNT PIEDRA"
Santiago, Chile
01/03/98
17 years old

Ok, so a while has passed and boy have these been the toughest and loneliest 2 months ever.

What I mean by two months is that we have been here in Santiago Chile for 2 months already. What am I feeling like now? Not depressed but sad...why? Ok lotsa reasons here so brace yourself...I am getting fatter and fatter everyday, I am bored therefore I eat, I don't want to go outside out of self hate and self disgust, I have sent God knows how many letters and I haven't received a response yet! So I have no motivation to write anymore letters until I receive one from a good friend, I'll check up on that tomorrow.

I am worried about receiving my timetable on the 11th, why? Worried about what people will think of a fat chick, worried of making a fool out of myself, worried aBOUT the Communication week, am I going to make any friends there? Are people going to find me amuzingly fat? See?? It's all centered with self love, all being focus in my weight. Mom wants to send me to a doctor to lose weight, I don't want to...I hate having someone regulating my weight, it makes me feel weak and not in charge with my own life, self, body and mind but hey who am I to talk? I am very aware of my worries and problems and instead of taking advantage of the fact that I know and changing that for myself I don't because I can't, because I am weak. It's a vicious vicious cycle that I truly hope to ge rid of as my University studies get underway. I am also once again worrying about the future, my future with Art and Illustration which is what I love. If you think about it though I am only 17 and I am rushing my emotions and worries too soon.

I wonder why my cousin Countess Sun has stopped calling and communicating with me, heck her and her friends are the only friends I truly have at the moment although I do hope they are only temporary...I find them boring at times and very immature...apart from Count Piedra but the poor guy is so sex crazed there's no point in defending him...I wonder whether I'll be able to look at him in the face again? Although now that I think about it he was displaying sign of liking me. Getting me up to dance, insisting on me swimming, talking to me and laughing at my jokes, the little cigarette box t-shirt, talking all night...yeah well then the obvious bed scene...I bet you he gave me the lice. That's the only problem with seeing him again, I'll get grossed out with the lice thing.

Hopefully it wasn't him. Another problem with Count Piedra is that the whole Torre de Babel by Los Tres, a song that I happened to like is currently being disliked by yours truly because of the eager way he was singing it at the master bedroom and the way he mentioned how he liked them, that situation is stuck in my mind that I dunno what to do.

Jesus I can't wait for the things to arrive, I can't wait to get my new Adidas...two hopefully. I can't wait to start Uni, I can't wait to receive letters from friends, I can't wait to go back to Canberra, I can't wait to get the sofa-bed, bookcase and desk in my room...especially the Internet.

I wonder what happened to Countess Socialist's letter, she sent it like a month and a half ago. I am so happy to have bought "Blood", I love the art so much that by just looking at it I get so motivated that it gives me such a boost of confidence with my plans to be an Illustrator. Only bummer beingt that I didn't buy the 4th and last part of the series. When I go back to canberra I'll be doing lotsa shopping believe you me!

Ok I betta go and sleep,
bye bye,
Countess Olivia

"MY ADIDAS"
Santiago, Chile
08/03/98
17 years old

Well, I was going to make this into a habit (writing in my diary) but as always this damn computer wouldn't work. Funny thing is I knew it would work today, I don't know why, I just did. Anyhow, for a week not much has happened. I got my Adidas shoes (white) I think they stand out more, and my idea about putting blue shoelaces didn't work out because it looked bad considering those laces are pretty thin. Anyhow today coming back from My Grandma's a couple of kids (13,14,15 year olds) asked me where I got my Adidas from...wow, I guess not only are they well into fashion but they are hard to find. When I went to get them I asked the guy whether they'd be getting anymore in so I could buy black ones and he said no, They've stopped marketting them so they were cheap so they could get rid of them. So I told the kids where I got the Adidas from...Bellesport...Apumanque.

It was cool because they had noticed my very hard to get Adidas...my my why are shoes so important for me?? Why do I love them so? Well, I'll never know.

We're getting a fax machine!! How cool, I've never had one before..I'll probably fax those dudes from the "0ero:30" show....or maybe even communicate with Countess Socialist through her Mom's work's fax...maybe. Or womever should have a fax...I can't wait till my uncle brings it in, also we'll be able to communicate with Dad heaps!! Kewl man!

Well this week that's coming up will be an exciting one!!

1st= On the 11th I get my Uni timetable.
2nd= After the 11th and on I'll be able to get my cd-man!!! Woohoo! And maybe my desk and bookcase...hope hope hope.
3rd= On the 15th we'll get word on the 8 boxes we haven't received yet...and that means all my cds, books, artwork, magazines and comics, computer and that means the internet, plus more of my clothes!!! I am so so happy!!

I think what brought my mood up was those kids asking me where I got my Adidas from.

Today I basically woke up at around 3pm, showered, got dressed (duh), and went to my Grandma's for a visit. I suppose I enjoy going...It's a bit less boring than going to my other Grandma's. Yeah I admit it as mean as this sounds my Grandmother from my Mom's side can be boring so I sort of only go over there to Santa Cruz unless my cousin Countess Sun is there. I don't like the little kid Grandma is taking care of so that sort of makes my stay there less desireable. But with Sole not really communicating with me lately I haven't really had much of a desire on going down there. Luckily for me the kid is staying with his Mom but then again that's unlucky for him considering his Mom's boyfriends beats poor kid up and basically abuses him. And well let's not even mention how mean and stupid his Mom is...let's not...so in that sense I sort of feel sorry for him but let's face it, the kid is rude and I don't like him so why should I put up with him? I don't so there.

I'm sitting here in my clean room, which may I mention I've kept it nice and neat for more than 2 weeks!! I am damn good sista! Also Mom let me bring the little yellow table to my room to use as a temporary desk. I begged her and explained to her my urgent need for a desk in my quarters, and she said ok. I only think she said ok because I have actually kept my room so nicely clean and neat for so long...let's see how long it lasts.

My poor brother, he's going to have so much work to do. Especially due to the fact that his spanish is so bad. Also I feel so sorry for him because of the future for him study wise. I hated doing homework and essays, I really truly suffered my last 3 years of high school and I just hope he does ok...he's not dumb, he's great.
I'm blank.

Of course that doesn't mean I won't have loads of homework to do with Uni...of course it does.The only thing is I'll be doing something I truly enjoy so it truly won't seem to me like homework. What I hated was doing homework and essays on things that simply did not interest me. I hope that if I have to do an essay on some Chilean artist (a boring artist probably) that I do it quickly and not let what happened to me in the last trimester on year 12 happen again, God I hope not!
Anyhow, that's it from me now so tata!!

Countess Olivia

"WHITE WINE"
Santiago, Chile
19/03/98
17 years old

Ok, so it's 4am, hey I needed to type this and I felt that the only appropiate place to put it would be on the Monday, considering today is Monday damn it! Anyhow, as I was sitting in the living room watching Friends and Spin City which may I add I am a bit dissapointed with Spin City, it used to be a good funny and witty show...now it's just one of the "Friends" type sitcom, oh well nothing good ever lasts. Well, all the same I was sitting there and I thought "Hey! I don't just have to be an artist or illustrator! I could probably enjoy working in a comic magazine as an editor, or I could paint or ink in...I mean there are heaps of things I could do that I would enjoy in the fields of comics and illustration" I just hope that I get to be a head Illustrator or comic artist though, that WILL be my priority.

Mmmmhhhmmmm, the city is so quiet and still. Jesus it feels nice to look out into a city with the background music being Unforgetable by Nat King Cole, it feels so peaceful and beautiful...it's these moments that any person should savour...those moments where everything is beautiful and all the bad things don't matter...if only people were to have these moments more often. That's why I lke Jazz, it makes me happy, it relaxes me and makes me feel good on the inside. Of course I can't go on about being a know it all on Jazz, I mean all I know is the cd Count Clown lent me on Jazz....Jesus I've listened to that recording non stop of the jazz and blues legends....Tony Bennett, Nat King Cole, Aretha Franklin and so on...I say so one because I haven't a clue on who the other artists are...all I know is that I like them a lot.

Thinking about Count Clown reminded me of my friends in Australia. It's funny how when you leave a place and you feel alone, how much you miss that place and you forget all the bad things that have happened to you. Heck, I was unhappy most of the time I lived in Australia. Getting depressed, trying to kill myself, being overweight...so so overwheight at that, feeling insecure about friends, about guys, about myself, about my future, basically everything. Yet when I think of Canberra and my friends all those unhappy moments are gone from my mind and all I remember are those moments where I was truly happy with my friends and especially myself.

God I miss feeling happy and cared for by people who will always be there for you. Those people were the five that I cared most about Countess Orael, Countess Marie, Countess Socialist, Count Clown and Countess Black. Funny thing is they were my best friends but God were they different to me. Not different to each but we each shared a different type of friendship. With Countess Socialist I had the calm, intelligent ad nurturing atmosphere. With Countess Orael it was the loving, caring, fun and sisterly atmosphere. With Countess Marie it was the loving relationship, she's somewhat shy but we really got along well and even though we went through some tough things together we always kept our friendship. With Count Clown it was the I could tell him anything, intelligent, fun, insulting and brotherly sisterly atmosphere and finally with Countess Black I had this strong bond with her, but not for obvious reasons...we just clicked as friends. Being that we became so close so soon it was a sort of nervous friendship...for me anyway...I was always waiting for this friendship to end becuse I felt it to be too perfect.

With Countess Orael, Countess Marie, Countess Socialist and Count Clown I became friends with them slowly and with that we gradually became close. But with Countess Black we became so close, and now that I think about it Countess Black felt this too, we were scared of how close we became therefore making this a rocky friendship that in my case would end with jealousy and anger (Sydney incident) Geez, just thinking about Sydney gets me mad. Anyhow, I miss them so so much that I just wish everyday that I could be with them. I always get happy when I think about my parent's goodbye when Countess Socialist, Countess Black and Count Black came and we drank at least 8 bottles of wine together.

I remember at the beginning when we were sitting outside and starting to drink and talking softly whilst the guests arrived. Then I remember going to Jamison with them to get stronger alcohol and meeting up with Countess Trinket, Countess Smart, Countess Smart's sister and her little friends. They were there so Countess Trinket could buy them alcohol, we met up with them and talked...we were all a bit tipsy...and I mean all. I had a glass of wine in my hand at Jamison!! Jess drank some of it, we said goodbye and went back to the partee!!

After that I remember scaring my brother's friends away because goddamn were they annoying. Then my most memorable, beautiful and loving memory of the party...sitting behind my room on the backyard all of us with our legs intertwined and talking very closely, I had never felt so good in my life. Probably because we were all drunk, but if we weren't then I doubt it would have happened, so I'm glad we did drink all those bottle of white wine. That was the best party I have ever been at and I am so happy that it did happen. I am also happy that I could at least be there a bit for Count Clown on Countess Ducky's death. Jesus how sad...how tragic, they were best friends too. I was so happy when Count Clown told me that a letter I gave him made him cry. I do that, I give letters to people to try to make sense out of feelings and thoughts that I or they have.

Countess Olivia

"COUNTESS YOYO"
Santiago, Chile
13/06/98
18 years old

Yesterday I had a very stupid thing happen, I made something up...why I did it...I mean I'm thinking and I'm trying to find the psychology to why I said it. Uhmmm, I got a phone call from Countess Yoyo, last night, I was at home...dunno what I was doing, all I know is that I wasn't preparing my Oral exam. And she calls me and she tells me "Oh by the way...oh yeah Countess Gay and this guy are at my house and I dunno what to do...I think they are snogging" (or something like that) and I said "That's cool, you know I'm tired" sorta to tell her to fuck off and that I don't want to talk to her...when she says "Oh by the way me, Countess Flower, Countess Gay and Countess Cogui...we have something to tell you on Monday, something about your attitude...so don't worry about it ok?? It'll happen on Monday" and I was like yeah ok, you say something like that as if I'm not going to worry, ok? And I was so tired and I was really bad emotionally I suppose I wasn't doing too well because of the lack of sleep that I was carrying and so I called Countess Cogui (who happened to be acompanied some dude) and I told her what Countess Yoyo told me (histeracly) and she responded with "What? What? She never told me that! Hold on, I'll call her then I'll call you back" I agreed and hung up the phone, a couple of minutes later (not very long) I get a phone call from Countess Gay and she tells me that Countess Cogui called her and she wanted her to call me and so I told her what Countess Yoyo had mentioned to me, and I continued by saying or more like asking what had I done wrong, and that I never satisfy them you know they're always pissed at me and I'm always fucking up with them and so that's why I try to leave the group...and when I leave it's my fault again in ignoring them and supposedly I should be telling them what's wrong because I come to class all pissed off and so that leads with them thinking I'm pissed off at them and they say that I should tell them what's wrong.

You know I would tell you if you actually asked (I haven't said that to them, I actually thought of it) I was just crying my head off and I was so tired...I dunno, emotionally I wasn't doing too well but uhmmm...so Countess Gay said "What's wrong? What's wrong??" In order to justify my overly dramatic display of pain, in order to excuse myself from it and get a bit more attention, more sympathy out of these people I told them I got a letter yesterday (which is true) from Countess Orael, Countess Cogui can sorta vouch for that because I was at her house when Mom told me about the letter on the phone. And so I continued my conversation with Countess Gay, I told her that in that letter my friend tells me that a good friend of mine died...so I told Countess Gay that I was upset and that all this stuff was upsetting me..Countess Gay was comprehensive but I think a bit patronising.

Countess Gay tells me, why don't you talk to Countess Yoyo because she's really upset about this with all the stuff that has happened at her house with the Ronald thing...you know pity her pity her! And so I did tell Countess Yoyo what had happened and it turns out that that wasn't what was really bugging her...she says Oh no that wasn't bothering me, I think I will tell you what is bothering me (oh oh what's she gonna say, I thought) and so she immediately started swearing at me out of nowhere and telling me that she is real sick of my attitude...I could only stand so much screaming...5 seconds after she started screaming I hung up on her and I fully just BAMMM! Just hung up on her and I cried and I cried and immediately after the phone rings because you know the reaction on their part would be...what the fuck? So obviously they called me back and it rang and rang and nobody answered because they thought (people at my house) it was for me because only my friends call at this time...I cried to Mom to tell them I'm in the bathroom, that I just went there...so Mom answered the phone and Kata screamed at my Mom "Countess Olivia!!" obviously she thought it was me, Mom said "No no no, she just went to the toilet" and Countess Gay said "Oh ok, could you just tell her to call me please?".

All I know is that they haven't called me today...I just figure they're bitchy at me, they are bitching about me right now. Countess Cogui hasn't even remotely tried to come to do the work which I'm sort of happy with because I haven't really finished translating the work and I think I'm gonna sort of try to read the thing tonight and translate it tomorrow in the morning (I'll try to wake up early tomorrow night and try not to go to bed too late tonnight). Then later I'll call Countess Cogui to tell her that you know, we haven't filmed this fucked up thing...so just come over so we can get it over and done with...she hasn't done a fucking thing. What if the teacher asks us questions? I'm not gonna know what to tell her! Plus I have to do the color assignement which is due on monday which means I have to basically work on that tomorrow.

The funny thing is Countess Cogui thinks that she can do all of her late assignements at one go (in 2 hours in the Countess Cogui clock) MWAHAHAHA...keep dreaming sister...no, no, more like grow up.

So, I'll wake up early tomorrow, translate the fucking thing, sorry I'm swearing so much, force of habit...no actually I think it's because I'm pissed off, well more like neutral...I even lied to my Mom and told her about the friend that supposedly commited suicide...fuck, the only times I do lie to Mom is when I don't tell her about my chocolate binges or when I don't tell her I didn't go to Uni...and that's it! I've never lied so harshly to my own mother!

You know what? I'm not actually gonna call Countess Cogui, she can call me dammit! This is just awful I mean it's just gotten to be her responsability now...I am just too sick of chasing after her to do something...I looked for all the information...while she was out there at lunch times chasing after guys who only want her body I was in the assistant art director's office looking up stuff on Egypt! I even talked to Countess Cogui's ex-boyfriend and he told me that he knows her well and that she does this all the time...not to worry he said.

Let's talk about immaturity here, both Countess Cogui and Countess Yoyo. Countess Cogui is 18, that's shoking but Countess YOYo! Countess Yoyo is 22 and she acts like she is fucking 14!! It affects me that there should be people like that! She is 4 years older than I am and she acts so much younger than I am...it's incredible! I know she's got bipolar depression and lots of other problems with rebelling with her parents but for fuck's sake you'd think that by 22 she'd wake up and smell maturity. She's just another Countess Babies...only nuts.

Ok, what did I do today? Today is Saturday, I woke up around 1pm with a massive massive headache (I think it's tensional due to the Oral exam I have to prepare). Took a pill, had a shower, then lunch..Grandma made yummy pork with french fries, she made a couple of cakes but I don't feel like eating cake...I'm happy that I'm not going nuts with the cake but it's not will, we've just been eating cake so much I got sick of it...but just you wait! I bet I'll start eating that cake at no sooner time than tomorrow! I've sort of cleaned up my room...I organised heaps of stuff in my room so I'm happy about that, let's just hope it stays that way.

Last night I read the book that Countess Orael sent me, I was so happy! Linda Jaivin is such a good writer, at the begginning it was a bit erotic but we'll see how it turns out.

Ok I'd better go, let's just hope Countess Cogui doesn't call me tomorrow. So I can start my Color stuff...speaking from experience...that stuff takes a lot of work to do and a lot of time. Urghhhh...I miss Australia so much and I don't know what to do, I just hate studying and I hate the whole...I just hate it I don't want to do it...I hate Countess Skirt, I hate Countess Quiet and Countess Carey...they're just these brats, these nerds who are always competing...so immaturely competitive at that! There's no one at my Uni that I get along with.... And Countess Gay, well she's got her own world with Countess Flower...I fully think she's in love with her, but anyway. There is a hate I get when I see Countess Gay and Countess Flower because I used to have that kind of friendship with Countess Gay, and then something happened and it was gone and then Countess Gay had it with Countess Flower (you can't have a threesome...it's hard, however much they glorify this on movies or tv shows...you just can't, I'm talking friendship-wise by the way)...I was the one pushed away I supose...when I try to get into a group I get pushed away...they are so...yuck!!!

That's why I've sort of backed off from them...I've never really come to class pissed off! What right does Countess Yoyo have to even remotely think that I should put on a happy mask just for her, she comes to class in a bad mood she wouldn't change, she wouldn't be happy just for our sake..no way. I Have to be happy for her sake?? Fuck that...if I'm upset I'm upset, if they ask then I'll mention my problem.

I think I don't really wanna be friends with anyone right now. I just wanna leave Chile so badly, I just wanna leave Santiago and I believe that feeling is gonna stay there...I don't like the culture, I don't like the people, the discriminating stances these people take, I don't like the poverty, the whole fact that this place is so big and metropolitan, stoneage, I hate having to go so far away to my Uni, I hate my Uni, I hate my classes, I hate Art...well I don't hate it, I can appreciate it...I just don't wanna make it into a carreer, I wanna do Drama...I have to be thin, but how can I be thin...as if it's that easy!

Ok, I'd better go...tired tired tired...buh byee

Countess Olivia

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