(Taken from Kamikaze's world of Nirvana)

Title: As he was. (Kurt Cobain)

Author: Wendy O'Connor

*** Abstract: Wendy O'Connor, mother of late rock star Kurt Cobain,
discusses her relationship with her son and what might have led to him
committing suicide. She says she does not feel any anger because she
realizes the mental anguish he was suffering from.


"[Kurt and I] were like twins. We never did get that umbilical cord cut.
When I would think of him, he would call me--it was really weird. I loved
his music. He would play his drums for me--he was a drummer before he was
a guitarist--and I would be just gone on it. He thought I was just being
his mother. Kurt and I used to be goofy together; we'd have these little
laughs. But then he stopped laughing. And that's what really flew the red
flag up for me, that it was really getting serious.

"Kurt's problems were ongoing, and we struggled with them for years. I
talked him through so many nights. He was probably a mis- or undiagnosed
depressive, which runs in my family. My grandfather, I would say, died
from that, 'cause he tried to commit suicide and eventually died from the
injuries. Also, manic-depression is a progressive disease. Once you get
past a certain stage it's almost unmanageable, even with antidepressants.
I now know in hindsight that the sleeping he was doing in his teenage
years was the very beginning of it. He was sleeping so much, but that was
also masked by just being a teenager. But now I look back and go, 'Ah-ha,
that was the very beginning of it.' And, of course, once they leave home,
they're out of your control. He would call me crying and suicidal. He
would always call when he got desperate. And then the last week he didn't
call. That was horrible, because I knew.

"People have asked me, aren't you angry at Kurt for taking such a cheap
way out, for leaving Frances and you, and I said no, not at all. People
don't understand what depression is. The way I explain it is, have you
ever been hit in the stomach and lost your breath? It's a horrible panicky
situation. Can you imagine being in that state of mind, in that state of
anxiety and fear for years? He was a wonderful person, but he just
couldn't stand the pain anymore. That's why I'm not angry at Kurt.

"One thing I envied about Kurt and Courtney was how uninhibited they were
with Frances. She's such a brilliant little girl--like 2 going on 4. I
worry about what's going to happen when she gets older and people are
talking about her parents. They will say stuff about them without even
knowing them. And so much that was written about Kurt was wrong. I just
hope the truth sustains her.

"I taught Frances a part of the Nirvana song 'Heart-Shaped Box' [that
goes] 'Hey, wait!' Kurt cried when she sang it to him the first time. She
doesn't sing it so much anymore. But there's a big tapestry downstairs of
Jesus, and we go down there, and she says, 'Daddy!' I go, 'Well, he kind
of looks like Daddy.' She talks to it. She tells him all the things that
happened during the day.

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