Sitting alone in the darkness; light shining under the door, stereo
playing loudly the songs that not only don't comfort you, they
drive you to tears. Wondering, dreaming, thinking. Blocking out
reality. Making a decision to go. You notice you haven't moved a bit
in the past hour. Knowing what is right - not doing a thing about
it. Avoiding the situation to avoid decisions. Who would you rather hurt?
Listening to your heart but obeying your mind. Re-run the questions
through your head a million times. Never ask them out loud. Never get
an answer. Never answer yourself.

Finally acting. Avoiding required preparation. Excitement with fear, fear
without discussion. Fright-filled nights, anxiety-filled days. Don't
know what to think - don't know how you'll act. Knowing it's your
only chance - but not what to do about it. Burying yourself underneath
a layer of concrete so thick that he can't get through to you - even if
he wanted to. Scared to act wrongly. Wanting to speak - staying
in hiding. Expecting him to act so you don't have to. Paranoia abounds.
Something tells you this fear is wrong - why don't you listen?
You never listen. You never act. No chance-taking.
Just sit. And think. And regret.

December 1997