Surprise Surprise by, Krist Novoselic

Story: A guy who is trying to overcome his cynicism.

They were all sitting around the T.V. watching a Gomer Pilere-run. Chuckles and laughs permeated the room a glow with theboob tube flashing blue. There were three guys. Jake and Ben U-spinesunk into the couch, necks at 90', and James sitting up cross-leggedclutching his ankle. The laughs weren't from the show script writersthough, the laughs came from the comments Jake and Ben were makingabout Jim Neighbors sexual orientation.

"Look at how he walks!" exclaimed Jake, "Oldrock must have been corn-holing him for sure"

More laughs. James, lost in thought for a moment, felt kindof an empathy for old Jim Neighbors. Back in the 60's everyonewas in the closet. Jim was such a straight guy, or at least theyall thought he was. He must of had some freaky feelings hidinghis true self: a homosexual. What pressure. I remember seeingan add on T.V. about a Jim Neighbors album, and if I can recall,a lot of the music was gospel tunes sung in a syrupy baritone.Was he thinking about a rock hard rock when he was belting outthose soulful numbers? Was his homosexuality a yolk or stockadethat bound his head and hands? If discovered, the source wouldridicule the shame consuming him. At least if he got lucky somequeer could sneak up from behind and goose him.

"Gomer laid a pile!" screamed Ben. More laughs.

James commented, "Why didn't Pile fight in Nahm? Wasn'tthat show from the middle to late 60's? Could you see him throwingdown death cards at dead Vietcong saying something like, 'Thisis like bridge night a Goobers back in Maybury' Then SergeantCarter would walk up and scream 'Pile go over there and burn thosehuts"

James stands up and salutes saying,

"Yes sergeant Carter" Then moves about the roommimicking Gomer's moves as if he were worldly setting blazes insome doomed Vietnamese village. Yet more laughs.

After some more channel surfing laced with wry observationsand de constructive cynical comments, James decided to take off.

In his old Toyota cruising down the boulevard he ponderedthe Gomer question again. Sure, he laughed along with those guys.Funny and queer do go hand in hand. I mean the old meaning forqueer. I heard some Christians complaining about how homosexualsmessed up the word gay, too. Jim Neighbors is the new queer thoughand what's so funny about that? What's so funny about sex? Whatabout Jim's shameful secret and his repressed feelings? What aboutGomer, oh brother Gomer! How could I feel for Jim Neighbors whothe fuck is he anyway? An old queer sitcom actor. What a dumbshow.

Getting out of that stuffy girbel den and into the brisknight air, helped James resolve his spout with melancholia.

Again, self assured and with Gomers cock eyed grin in perspective,he glanced around his world. Even at 12:30 at night, the lightswere on everywhere. AS he drove fate beams from street lamps followedand tagged his car each in perfect succession as if they werepassing him from one to another. Black top parking lots shonefrom an earlier rain. Lit-up adds and business signs glowed softnow, the moisture in the air cutting their sharpness. The freshair wasn't the only stimulation. Driving this late was cool becausethere weren't very many cars out and the world was kind of yourown. James felt less tension from the collective human concisenessalso.

This was a time of inversion for the average person. Eyeballsthat weren't watching late night T.V. were darting in R.E.M. patternsboth mediums preoccupying individual brains with images pleasantor terrible, common or surreal. Still with all of the psychicelbow room the apparatus of the collective, the manifestationof the collectives reality, lay everywhere. It was in the incessantlights it was in the strip mall parking lots and wide boulevards.It was the world. This is America of the 1990's and James waspulling up to his little piece of it.