Aronne and Kristie's Halloween Party FAQ's
1.WHEN IS THE PARTY?
Halloween, you idiot. From say 9ish (you can come early, you can come late) until it ends the next day which is November 1st. If you care, you can stay until November 2nd which will be Aronne's 24th birthday. So see you have to come to our party to celebrate that which means presents. Oh yeah, and Kristie's family celebrates Samhein (that's pronounced sah-veen or sa-wane for you non-practicing pagans) which means she gets presents too.
2. WHERE IS THE PARTY?
In Queens dammit. Why do you keep asking these stupid questions?
3.CAN I HAVE THE ADDRESS?
YES, you may.
4.CAN I HAVE THE ADDRESS IN THIS FAQ?
Well, maybe.
5.OKAY MOVING ON SHOULD I BRING ANYTHING TO THIS PARTY?
Hell yes. Three weeks ago we were on our hands and knees begging for drinks and now we are supposed to supply enough for a whole house full of people, yeah right.
6. DO YOU EVEN WANT TO HAVE A PARTY?
What else are we supposed to do? Besides everyone either lives with their parents, lives in a dorm, or lives in the middle of fucking jersey, so where else should we go? And you for that matter have nothing to do but go to the BANK anyway. Or maybe brave the Village to go to some other party where you won't know anyone and even if there are cute girls there, you will be too cowardly to talk to them and they sure the hell won't talk to you.
7.FINE THEN I THINK I'LL STAY HOME, HOW ABOUT THAT?
No No, we are just kidding, really.
Because.
9. WELL, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?
Drink. Eat. Consume intoxicating substances. There will be cookies and video games downstairs for all you, oh, how shall I phrase this, hmmm, "differently entertained"
Upstairs, we'll be doing other things. Listening to music, making out with random people, shedding clothes, getting naked, makin' mem'ries.
Kristie and Aronne. Who else do you need? Look, we don't know who all is coming to this soiree, but we are e-mailing directions to this site to everyone we can think of. Everyone. Kristie is also inviting Playboy Playmates. Yeah. Like they're coming to a fucking party in Queens. Oh, well, we can dream.
10. SHOULD WE DRESS UP?
Hey, you want to ride to Queens in a costume, this is the only night you can do it. We know. We do it on OTHER nights of the year. So the one time we're not riding the subway to/from Queens in outlandish wear, it will actually be okay! This strikes us as unfair. Oh, yeah, costumes. Go crazy, kids.
We will be rewarding the person who has the most creative antidepressant drugs gets a fresh glass of liquor. Mmmm-mmmm! Oh, yeah, costumes. I need another drink. Where was I? Coshtumes. We will also be rewarding the best costume with a prize. Of some sort. Certainly you'll have a place of honor on Kurt's website. Aronne suggested that the winner would receive a cute little pug dog, but this was vetoed. Yes, you will receive a priceless Dr. Seuss glass straight from the Franklin Mint. Almost guaranteed to go up in value! If that's not good enough, we'll throw in a picture. Of Kurt. We give those away a lot. They're almost like currency.
Oh that's okay, Ian, I mean, random person that might DJ until 4 a.m! If you still want to come to Queens, the party will still be going. And going.
Well, never fear, little Halloween trouper! Right down the street is our friendly IHOP, where we will no doubt be winding up the morning, scaring the residents of Queens and generally making a nuisance of ourselves in an entirely different coffeehouse. Wheee!
14.BUT I WANT TO GO TO THE BANK!
Well, WE want you to die. Or pull a Peter, if you really can't live without it. Meaning, come to the party, leave at midnight, come back at 4. Pure insanity, but it will save you from the death sentence we would otherwise impose.
15.WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER PARTY WITH THE CUTE GOTH GIRLS?
Just shut up about that other party already! There's only one party this Halloween, do you hear? ONE! And it is ours, ours, ours!
16.SO OKAY, SAY I DECIDE TO COME, HOW SHOULD I GET THERE?
On the train:
Take the F train to Roosevelt/74th Street. Then go UPSTAIRS and get on the Q33. Do not attempt to walk. Satan himself will appear (which will take him away from our party) and laugh as he points to the sign that says (translating from the Spanish) Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here. Anyone who has traveled the long and lonely way to our home understands what I'm talking about. Take the . Take the . TAKE THE . Then you will be a Jedi like your father.
Where was I? Oh, yes, where to get off. Not at our party! Ha! Well, maybe. Depends on who you are and how we're feeling. Disembark at 3015 83rd Street, between 31st and 30th. When you see the little yellow bodega, ring that bell, baby.
You can also take the 7 train and walk to our house, but don't be stupid. Unless you're Barney, because Barney lives on the 7 train line. You're not dumb, Barney! Take the 7 train all you want!
If you have had a particularly successful week selling drugs, go ahead and take a cab. Or if you're willing to give Kurt sexual favors (boy or girl, he doesn't care) he might drive you. Drugs or sex equals a car trip! Isn't that great! So anyway, for motor vehicles, here's two ways to go:
59th Street Bridge, lower tier, puts you right on Northern, turn left on 83rd Street and go for about three blocks.
Williarmsburg Bridge, get on the BQE, take it to the Northern exit,, blah, blah, fucking blah. Oh, turn right on Northern, left on 83rd.
If you live in Queens, and you can't figure it out, then you don't need to come anyway.
17. WHAT THE FUCK IS UP THE HUGE ASS TIGER AT THE TOP OF THE FAQ?
Ummm, we couldn't find the good clip art.
Because. It is a metaphor how big our party is going to be. Yeah, how big and wild. Yeah, that's the ticket.
Yes, and I really liked that skit that wasn't on SNL where the guy blew up little plastic army figures, then gumby would come on and have sex with barbie -- does anyone else remember this?
20.WHY ARE YOU ASKING ALL THESE LAME QUESTIONS WHEN ALL I WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT WAS YOUR PARTY?
Well, why not, I have your attention, don't I? And since your still reading this, then HA HA I win, I am the ultimate leader. We will no longer stand outside the BANK for thirtyfive minutes after it closes, we will follow me to breakfast. I am the leader. HA HA. By the power of Greyskull, I have the power. YOU WILL SUBMIT AND COME TO THE PARTY!!!!!!!
Well you can come to, just don't leave anything tied to Kristie's bed. Especially ace bandages.
Sure why not.
No, but I'm taking applications for bad little boys and girls.
Sure, in fact, you better. Maybe then, and only then, will we forgive you for not coming to the TEKKEN 3 TOURNAMENT and JUDGE JOE party.
Like you had to ask.