She said it was something different, and fool that i was at the time, I believed her. I knew better than to believe anyone, but there was something about her. Something that made you want desperately to believe everything about her. Not because you wished it to be true, but because it was such a beautiful lie. It was all stunned curiosity that put me there. Maybe I loved the ache. It was there through the whole thing. The ache that comes when you're seeing the thing it seems your eyes have been waiting for, and knowing that it's all illusion. Like being mocked by your own dreams. It's an ache that falls very deep in the mind. Just the type I'm drawn to.
So what must I do? Although it may be illusion it still may be a reflection of some sort of real I've been searching for. So do I attempt to understand what i see despite knowing that nothing will come of pursuing an illusion?
It's obvious that anymore illusion is no longer based on reality, but that reality is based on illusion. Everyone is chasing the dream. Dreams are illusions of the mind. We place them in reality until they become a new reality. It has become the general illusion that we are all chasing something, but really we are the chased. We're all running to escape things we don't want to understand. Turning instead to reach for the illusion. Burying ourselves in it's hollow world.

I claim to be alive when i say i can see. I never much liked the hollow feel. But at least the ache was real while it lasted.


9/27/99