Real jokes!

Frank was a man who believed in the deeper meaning of numbers. He was born on May 5, 1905, and was fifty-five years old. He had five children, and he lived at 555 East 55^th Street. For the past five years, he had earned $55,000 as an executive at Sak's Fifth Avenue.

On his fifty-fith birthday, Frank went to the track and was astonished to find that a horse named Numero Cinco was running in the fifth race that afternoon. Five minutes before the race began, he went to the fifth window and put down five thousand dollars in five-dollar bills on Number Five.

Sure enough, the horse finished fifth.

An avid golfer hits his ball into the woods. As he goes to look for it, he stumbles upon a leprechaun who is brewing a mysterious concoction.

"What are you making?" asks the golfer. "It smells wonderful."

This is a magic brew," says the leprechaun. "If you drink it, your golf game will improve remarkably, and you'll never be defeated."

"Well, then, let me have some," says the golfer.

"Have as much aso you like," says the leprechaun. "But I must warn you, there is one serious side effect. It will almost certainly diminish your sexual desire."

"I can live with that, " says the golfer, and gulps down a full cup.

The brew works. Just as the leprechaun predicted, the golfer defeats all challengers and within six months he's the undisputed local champion.

The golfer is delighted, and one day he goes back into the woods to thank his benefactor.

"It worked," says the golfer. "It really worked! I'm the best golfer this club has ever seen."

"Yes, but about your sex life?"
asks the leprechaun.

"Pretty good," says the golfer. "I've had sex three or four times in the past six months."

"That doesn't sound so great to me, " says the leprechaun.

"Actually," says the golfer, "it's not bad at all for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

A passionate golfer dies and is greeted by St. Peter. "Your life has been exemplary," says St. Peter, "but according to our records, there was one time when you evidently took the Lord's name in vain during a game of golf."

"Let me explain," says the man. "It happened about a year ago. I was playing in our club tournament, and I was doing beautifully. When I came to the eighteenth hole, all I needed was an easy par four to win the trophy. My tee shot was long and true, but it landed in a rough clump of grass."

"Is that when you took the Lord's name in vain?" asked St. Peter.

"Not at all. I knew that if I hit the ball just right, I could probably reach the green. And I did, but the ball bounced back and ended up in a trap."

"I hate when that happens," said St. Peter. "So that's when you took the Lord's name in vain?

"No, although I was certainly frustrated. I checked all the angles, and shot very carefully, and the ball ended up maybe eleven inches from the cup."

"Oh, no," said St. Peter, "don't tell me you missed the goddamn putt!"

Broder walks into a bar with a dog on a leash. "Bartender," he says, "I'll have a scotch on the rocks, and a whiskey sour for my dog."

"I'm sorry , sir, but we don't allow dogs in here."
"Just a minute," the dog says, "I'm not used to being treated this way. Maybe you've never seen a talking dog."

"Don't give me no talking dog mister," the bartender tells Broder. "You're not the first ventriloquist we've had in here."

"Wait, you've got it all wrong," says Broder. "I'll go across the street to get a newspaper, and I'll leave the dog here. Then you'll see."

When Broder is gone, the dog says, "Hey, pal, what happened to my whiskey sour?"

The Bartender is astonished. "Sure, right away. It's on the house. I can't believe this. Say, would you do me a favor? Here's ten bucks. My wife works in the restaurant next door. Would mind going in and ordering a coffee to go? This will make her day, and you can keep the change."

"Fine," says the dog, who takes the money and leaves.

A moment later, Broder returns to the bar. "Hey, where's Oliver?"

"He can talk," says the bartender. "I gave him ten bucks to surprise my wife. Here, I'll go with you."

As they leave the bar, they see Oliver in an alley, having his way with an attractive French poodle.

"Oliver, I can't believe it," says Broder, "You've never done this before."

"Hey," says the dog, "I've never had money before."

One evening, Dr. Watson paid an unexpected call on Holmes.

"Is he expecting you?" asked the housekeeper.

"No," said Watson, "but I just need him for a moment."

"I don't know what he's up to," said the housekeeper, "but he left very strict instructions not to be disturbed until nine o'clock."

"I'll wait downstairs in the library," replied Watson.

A few minutes later, Watson heard the unmistakable sound of girlish laughter coming from the detective's bedroom, followed closely by shrieks of excitement from Holmes.

As nine o'clock approached, Watson could barely suppress his curiosity. Finally, Holmes came down the stairs, accompanied by a pretty, dark-haired young girl in a school blazer and a plaid skirt.

As soon as she left, the good doctor cried out, "Holmes, just what kind of schoolgirl was that?"

"Elementary, my dear Watson."

Sherman gets a call from his doctor with the results of his blood test.

"I've got bad news and some worse news," says the doctor. "The bad news is that you've only got twenty-four hours to live. "

"Oh, no," says Sherman. "That's terrible. How can it get any worse than that?"
"I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."

LAWYER JOKES

A man asked a lawyer what his fee was.

"I charge $50 dollars for three questions," the lawyer replied.

"That's awfully steep, isn't it?" the man asked.

"Yes," replied the lawyer. "Now what's your final question?"

Why was the shipwrecked lawyer allowed to swim safely through shark-infested waters?

Professional courtesy.

A lawyer arrives at the Pearly Gates and is greeted by St. Peter.

"There must be some mistake," says the lawyer. "I'm only fifty-four. I'm too young to die."

"That's odd," says St. Peter. "Because according to your time sheets, you're eighty-nine."

Why is it that California has the most lawyers and New Jersey had the most toxic waste dumps?

New Jersey had first choice.

The gate breaks down between heaven and hell. St. Peter comes to examine the damage, and then he calls the devil. "That darn gate broke again," he says. "It's your turn to fix it."

"Forget it," says the devil. "My people are too busy.

"But we had a deal," says St. Peter, "and if you don't honor it, I'll have to sue you for breach of contract."
The devil laughs. "Sure you will. And just where do you expect to find a lawyer?"

Two scientists are discussing their latest research in behavior modification.

"We've started something new," said the first man. "For some of our more dangerous experiments, we've started using lawyers."

"Lawyers?" says his colleague. "We've always used rats. I've never heard of using lawyers."

"Well, you know how it is," says his friend. "You get so attached to rats."

What's the difference between a dead snake lying in the road and a dead lawyer lying in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the snake.

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

His lips are moving.

The Pope dies and goes to heaven. As he enters the gates, he sees a sign explaining that everybody there will be treated equally, without regard to his position on earth. The Pope smiles. He's a modest man, and this, he thinks, is just as it should be.

Later, as he is standing in line at the cafeteria, a man in a white coat with a stethoscope hanging out of his pocket suddenly cuts in front of him and grabs a tray.

The Pope is horrified. He rushes over to St. Peter and points to the offender. "I don't understand," he says, "I thought everyone here was supposed to be equal."
"Oh, don't worry about him says St. Peter. "That's God, and every now and then he thinks he's a doctor."

"It was horrible," the man was telling his psychiatrist. "I was in Brazil on business, and I wired my wife that I'd be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don't get it. How could she do this to me?"

"Well," said the psychiatrist after a long pause, "maybe she didn't get your telegram!"

Lillian and Esty, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrivial in their building--a quiet, nice-looking gentleman who keeps to himself.

Esty says, "Lillian, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him? He looks so lonely."

Lillian agrees, and later that day, at the pool, she walks up to him and says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely."
"Of course I'm lonely," he says, "I've spent the past twenty-five years in prison."
"You're kidding! What for?"

"For killing my third wife. I strangled her."

"What happened to your second wife?"
"I shot her."

"And, if I may ask, your first wife?"

"We had a fight and she fell off a building."

"Oh, my," says Lillian. Then, turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, "Yoo hoo, Esty, he's single!"

Hal and Sue are invited to a fancy Halloween party, and Sue rents costumes for both of them. She has been looking forward to it all week, but on the day of the party, Sue comes down with the flu and tells Hal to go alone.

Hal gets into his gorilla suit and drives off. After a nap, Sue wakes up feeling much better. Realizing that Hal hasn't even seen her costume, she decides it might be fun to show up at the party to see how her husband acts when she isn't around.

When Sue arrives, she spots Hal, who is dancing seductively with a series of attractive women. And when the gorilla notices Sue, who is dressed as Cleopatra, he immediately leaves his current partner to be with her. After some hot and heavy dancing, he suggests they go outside for a little walk. Sue agrees, and they soon find themselves making love in the woods. A little while later, Sue leaves the party and drives home, wondering what Hal will have to say about the evening.

Two hours later, Hal returns and finds Sue sitting up in bed reading.

"How was it, dear?" she says.

"Oh, the same old stuff. You know I never have a good time when you're not around.

"Didn't you even dance?"

"No," he says. "In fact, I spent the entire evening playing cards in the den with two other guys. But the guy I loaned my costume to? He had a hell of a time."

Wilson survives a shipwreck, along with Dennis, his fox terrier. After three days of floating on a life raft, they wash ashore on a deserted island.

Exploring the island, they soon come to a valley full of wild sheep. Wilson has never been attracted to animals, but he's so lonely and frightened that he finds himself looking longingly at one of the lambs. But as soon as he approaches her, Dennis starts yelping loudly until the animal runs away.

The next morning, consumed by thoughts of the lamb, Wilson gets up early and tiptoes back toward the valley. He soon finds the lamb, but once again, Dennis comes running over and scares her away.

Weeks pass. Wilson and Dennis are walking along the beach one morning when they stumble across a beautiful young woman lying on the sand. Wilson sees that she is unconscious, so he immediately begins to give her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. She eventually comes to, and asks, "Where am I? What happened?"
"You must have survived a shipwreck," he replies. "You were unconscious, but I guess I reached you in time."
"I just don't know how to thank you," she says. Giving him a long, tender kiss, she looks in his eyes and says, "Please, let me express my appreciation. I'll do anything you want. Just tell me."

"Well," says Wilson, "actually, there is something. Would you mind looking after Dennis for a couple hours?"

After his annual checkup, Bob is shocked to learn that he has somehow contracted a rare disease and has only twelve hours to live.

Arriving home in utter dispair he tells his wife the terrible news and begins to cry. Overcome with grief, Helen hugs him tight and says, "Honey, I'm going to give you a night you'll never forget!"

Whereupon they go to bed early and make passionate love with an ardor they haven't felt in years.

When they're done, Bob turns to his wife and says, "Honey, that was wonderful, the best we've ever had. Can we do it again?"

This time it's even more passionate. Later, as Helen is about to doze off, Bob gives her a nudge and says, "Honey, come on. How about one more time?"
"That's easy for you to say. You don't have to get up in the morning."

A man and a woman meet in a bar.

"You're place or mine?" she says.

"Hey, if it's going to be a hassle, forget it."

Two old friends make a pact that the first one to die will do everything possible to make contact with the other. The following summer, Mel dies of a heart attack, leaving Dave lonely and depressed. A month after the funeral, Dave picks up the phone and it's Mel--just as he promised.

"Mel, old pal, it's great to hear from you. Boy, I really miss you. Tell me, what do you do all day?"

"Dave, you're not going to believe it. In the morning, I get up for a big breakfast, and then I screw. After that I go out and lie around in the sun, and screw some more. Then it's time for lunch. Then, in the afternoon, a nap and then more screwing until dinner. Then one last screw before I go to sleep."
"Mel, that's remarkable. I had no idea heaven would be like that."
"Who's in heaven? I'm a bull in Wisconsin!"

"I'm so upset, I had to shooot my dog."

"Was he mad?"

"He wasn't happy."

A dog walks into a Western Union office to send a telegram. When the clerk hands him a form, the dog takes a pen in his teeth and slowly writes, "Bow wow wow, bow wow wow, bow wow."

The clerk reads it, counts the words and says, "Are you aware that there are only eight words here, and that you can send ten words for the same price? Perhaps you'd like to add another 'bow wow'?"
"I could, " said the dog, "but don’t you think that would sound just s little ridiculous?"

Frank Perdue is granted a private audience with the Pope. "Your holiness," he says, "I've heard that the Church has suffered from financial reversals, so I'm here with a proposal that can benefit both of us. I'm prepared to donate a hundred million dollars to the Church, provided you make one small change in the Lord's Prayer. Where it says, 'Give us this day our daily bread?' Well, I'd like you to consider changing just the end of that line to: "Give us this day our daily chicken.'"

The Pope is taken aback. "That's a most unusual request," he says, "but it's certainly a substantial kindness that you're offering the Church. Let me discuss your offer with the College of Cardinals, and I'll be back with you in a few days. "

As soon as Perdue leaves, the Pope convenes an emergency meeting of the Cardinals. "Boys," he says, "I think we're going to have to review the Wonder Bread account."

Three Jewish converts to Christianity arrive together at the Pearly Gates.

"We're running late today," says St. Peter, "so I'll just ask you each one question."

"Tell me, why do we have Easter?" he asks the first man.

"That's easy," he replies. "That's when Jesus was born."
"I'm afraid not," says St. Peter. "I can't let you in."

Turning to the second man, he says, "Do you know why we have Easter?"

"Certainly," he replies. "That's when Jesus split the Red Sea."
"I'm sorry," St. Peter replies, "you'll have to do some more studying."
Turning to the third man, St. Peter says, "And you? Why do we have Easter?"

"Easter," he says tentatively, "is when Christ was reborn."

"Excellent. Please continue."

"He was in the grave for three days."

"Very good. And then?"

"And after three days he comes out, sees his shadow--and that means we'll have six more weeks of winter!"

And then there was the society of Dyslexic Theologians. They argued constantly about the existence of Dog.

A traveling preacher finds himself caught in a tremendous rainstorm. Within a few hours, the motel he's staying in is flooded. As the water rises, the preacher climbs to the roof and starts praying.

Just then a coast guard rescue party floats by in a rowboat. "Let's go, mister, into the boat."
"I'll stay here," says the preacher. "The Lord will save me."
An hour later, a second boat reaches the motel. "Sir, you better get in. The water is still rising."
"No thanks," says the preacher. "The Lord is my salvation."

Toward the evening, the motel is almost completely under water, and the preacher is clinging to the satellite dish on the roof.

"Hey, buddy, get in the boat! This is your last chance."
"I'm all right," says the preacher, looking toward heaven. "I know the Lord will provide."

As the boat departs, the satellite dish is hit by lightning, and the preacher is killed.

When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, he is furious. "What happened?" he shouts. "I thought the Lord would provide!"
Within second, a thunderous reply is heard: "Gimme a break, pal. I sent three boats!"

The time has come for St. Peter's annual three-week vacation, and Jesus volunteers to fill in for him at the Pearly Gates. "It’s no big deal," St. Peter explains. "Sit at the registration desk, and ask each person a little about his or her life. Then send them on to housekeeping to pick up their wings."

On the third day, Jesus looks up to see a bewildered old man standing in front of him
"I'm a simple carpenter," says the man. "And once I had a son. He was born in a very special way, and was unlike anyone else in this world. He went through a great transformation even though he had holes in his hands and feet. He was taken from me a long time ago, but his spirit lives on forever. All over the world people tell his story."

By this time, Jesus is standing with his arms outstretched. There are tears in his eyes, and he embraces the old man.

"Father," he cries out. "It's been so long!"

The old man squints, stares for a moment and says, "Pinocchio?"

BLONDE JOKES

"Pamela Anderson, I'm going to tell you a blonde joke."

"But I'm blonde."
"That's okay, I'll tell it slowly."

An airplane piloted by two young blonde women, lands on the runway with great difficulty, stopping just short of an accident. When they arrive at the gate, the captain wipes her brow and says "My God, that's the shortest runway I've ever seen!"

"You're not kidding," says her co-pilot, looking out the window. "But it sure is wide."

Blonde guys are stupid too. When the rape victim was brought into the room, what did the blonde guy in the police lineup say?

"That's her, alright!"

And then there's the blonde who tried to get an abortion because she didn't think the baby was hers.

 Why do blonde girls have bruises on their belly buttons?

Because blond guys are stupid too.

What do you get when you turn three blondes upside down?
Two brunettes and a redhead.