The crew are made up of a few people I found wandering about near the harbour. What they were doing there I simply have no idea, but with the aid of a bag of pennies and a big stick, I managed to persuade some of them to be my crew.
The First Mate
Vacant
This is an important role as the First Mate caters to all the needs and requirements of the Captain. I reserve the right to be discriminatory and base my decision on looks first and capability second... ;) Grrr...
The Wheelman
VACANCY!
Nobody is the Wheelman in charge of steering the ship away from icebergs. So likely we'll crash soon, eh?
The Cabin Boy
Edd
Er well what can one say about Edd? Other pictures on this website serve as evidence that we all live a hysterical teenage life we would rather bury under the patio with Trevor Jordache (come on.. think... it's was 1994...). Older, wiser, and committed to fulfilling menial tasks. Well done Edd. (Well no bugger else volunteered)
The Lookout
Jules spends all day and night sitting in the crows nest, although I don't think she's waiting for a glimpse of land. The crows don't like it, but they have no choice in the matter. Land is rarely seen, so Jules has amuses herself by playing rudely with some maltesers and a spoon, and depending on whether it's in season, a Cadbury's Creme Egg.
The Cook
Bron.
The cook is an essential part of the crew on board this fine vessle. Unfortunately
she's a bloody vegetarian, so the chances of the crew dying of malnutrition
and lack of iron are high. As I am being poked with a stick as we speak, i should
mention that Bron is one of the best cooks I have ever come across. She has
fed me on many occasions, and I am still alive - which must stand for something.
She is afeared of no recipe, but just don't ask her to make pizza base in a
bread maker..... But don't ask her to make anything with Asparagus -it might
be out of fucking season... ;) She has also decided she has enough free time
on her hands to undertake the role of The Cheese Toaster.
I'm still only paying her one wage tho.
The Ship's Animals
The "Spanking Kipper has
two resident animals. The ship's dog, and the ship's mouse.
The Doggy is possibly the laziest creature on board, and spends most of it's
time asleep. Yes, it is unconventional to have a dog instead of a cat, but I, the
Captain, couldn't afford to buy a tin of Whiskas, whereas I could get a bone
from the butcher free of charge. ahem
The mouse is quiet and eats cheeseburgers all day. Well, what else did you expect
a mouse to do?
The
Padre
Liz is the Padre on board the
"Spanking Kipper", and swims alongside offering guidance when
needed. There is no possibility of drowning, and quite frankily the moral fibre of the crew leaves a lot to be desires. Redemption is our only option.... Lord save us in the form of a bewildered Wuthering Heights devotee....
The Surgeon
The surgeon on board the
ship is the mysterious "Laura". Nobody knows who or what Laura is, because Laura skulks
around in the surgery all day, and only comes out at night wearing a dark cloak
and a phantom of the opera mask. Strangely, bizarre noises can be heard coming
from the surgery in the middle of the night, however, i think this is because
Laura has taken her title a little too literally.
The Figurehead.
The figure head is currently undergoing restoration for acid rain damage.
The Bee Spanker
Now, this may seem like a silly post to you and I, but the job Lou does is of vital importance. There is a large colony of bees on board, most of which are extremely badly mannered, always out on the pull, drunk out of their tiny bee minds on Fosters lager. It is at this stage that Lou comes along and spanks the life out of them to create some order and peace. And the bees don't sting her, cos they respect her authority (and so do I for that matter)
The Sexual Disorders Therapist
The lovely Anne has decided that this is the role she should burden herself with. Imagine all those late nights listening to confused laydees trying to decide which side of the fence they want to sit on, and Anne giving them a helping hand.....
Cunning
Linguist cum Muso
Katy has bravely volunteered for this position given her ability to get her mouth round many foreign tongues, and wanton musical aspirations. Hopefully she will seek to keep us entertained through many a dark night with her talents.
Ships Screw
(Picture unavailable at time of going to press)
Mel has decided that it is her calling to become a 'Screw' (clearly, the influence of 'Bad Girls' is not to be ignored). The sinister noise of rattling chains and clanking keys can oft be heard in the dead of night, and I always just assume that she's just amusing herself by scaring the crew in a good old fashioned Ghost Ship Stylee. However, pictures recently obtained by the News of The World clearly show her penchant for chains extends outside her work life... One day I may pluck up the courage to ask her if she is indeed a good screw...
Toilet
Ben has volunteered himself for the arduous task of being ship's toilet. He is, it would seem, perfectly suited for this position. "Please Jo, remember the days aboard the Bulls Head, and the Junction and The Beer Emporium? Remember how good I was at taking (Talking it too - Jo) all the shit? Well....."
The Broom (Upgraded from 'Brush' after the 2005 re-org)
The new ships broom has many many important functions to fullfil on the 'Kipper,
all of which involve sweeping in one form or another. The best job of all, however,
is sweeping out the toilets, which regularly overflow due to the high quality
food bestowed upon the crew by the cook.... IN her own words "I feel that I have many appropriate skills that make me the ideal candidate for this post including extensive experience of sitting in a cupboard and doing nothing. I have wirey hair that is perfect for the functions of a broom. I feel that my understanding of this role could be advantageous. For example, there is a common belief is that a broom and a brush hold the same role: they do not. Brush is a verb. Broom is not. Therefore on a slight technicality, I could successfully continue my long and successful career of shirking work. I reflect upon my practice frequently, and have observed that in instances where the ship appears to be sinking, I am always the first to jump."
Sounds like a worthy crew member to me!
Interior
Designer
VACANCY!!!
Our interior designer needs to be able to... "have the style knowledge of Lawrence from
Changing Rooms and can turn your household into a neo-classical waitrose/sauna
on a budget of 36p"
Small person Arranger
Little One has requested
this Illustrious position....(In her own words....)
"I am applying for the post of *ahem* 'small person arranger' I am interested
in said post on the basis of several facts that I will divulge. The first is
this. I am a small person. This in itself gives me an inside track on the 'small
person' aspect of this post. I can fit anywhere, in things, under things, and
up things. This can be advantagous in itself being the lifestyle on board can
be quite cosy. Moving on to the whole title of 'small person arranger' and the
duties that one has to perform. This means one of two things I am a small person
and I arrange things and/or, I 'arrange' the other small people on the ship
(I am also multi talented and can arrange tall people as well as long as a box
is provided). I am very good at arranging and can arrange a multitude of things,
arrange flowers, arrange people, arrange rooms, arrange clothes, arrange parties,
arrange a mean barcardi and coke and much much more."
I suppose your wondering
how you can become a member of my crew...
Dentist
E-Mail me capt_jo@yahoo.com with the title
Chiropodist
Paul Daniels Murderer
Sheep Shagger
Hotdog Vendor
Virtual reality Console
Formula One Driver
Economically Disadvantaged Person
Bus Conductor
"Capt Jo - Oh let me sail on your ship with you" and state your case...