Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted

Two oranges walk into a bar and one says to the other "you're round."

A piece of string walks into a bar and the barman says: "We don't serve pieces of string in here. are you a piece of string?" The piece of string replied "no, i'm a frayed knot".

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc. Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off"

I went to a seafood disco last week.... And pulled a muscle.

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "dam"

A dyslexic drunk went out and choked on his own vimto.

A man walked into a chip shop with a cod on his shoulder. "Do you sell fish cakes" "he asked. "Yes we do" replied the chip shop man. "Well do us one for him,"pointing to his shoulder "Its his birthday".