RAMBLINGS

Monday 27th May 2002 - 4:40pm

Fucking hell, Cool Cat is getting on my nerves with his constant parading of his "official" Bromley website every chance he gets. It's perfectly obvious that he's trying to get people off BTN and onto his site. Well, I've stuck him a link on the front page so he can do what he wants as far as I'm concerned. People might post if they stopped thinking he was such a fucking twat... ANYWAY! Here's some good tips to make your life a little bit easier!

Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).

Color coordinate your pet with your furniture & carpets. That way, the hair won't show if you don't regularly sweep it up.