In our subconscious

resides a miniscule mass

of chi. This is God.

God. A miniscule mass of energy which resides in our subconscious. Affecting our actions, our purpose, our path.

Purpose? Happiness. Contentment. Enlightenment. Ideals we chase perpetually, to no avail. They are unattainable. Out of reach.

Our purpose therefore is invalid. Effort is not rewarded.

Love is impermanent. Transient. False. Perceived reality is more reliable than reality itself. As reality is affected adversely by perceptions. By press. By the state. By narcotics.

Harm is inflicted. Painful. Dreamlike. We can detach. Disperse. Divert attention from the problems that inhibit us.

Affection destroys us. Obsessive. Incessantly obtrusive. Pleasant. Gratifying. Warm and all compassing. Safe. Fragile. Fleeting. Destroys character. Depletes pride. Damages self.

The initial years (1981-1999) were dreamy. Life is beautiful. You cannot however hold onto the past as if it were a sacred cow. Nothing is sacred anymore.

Towards the close of the millenium, the seams of life began to unravel like the hem of a polyamide kookai singlet. However not even the botchy patch up job at the warehouse could save it [despite the urgent customer repair card with details of where the fault lay].

My eyes, although not faultless, have observed things that previously could not be seen. Sad things. Soul squashing things. Cruelties. Frailty. Savagery. Time rolls by without meaning. Desire to achieve and accomplish is lost. For what?

Threats that the world will come to an end. Civilisation will be decimated. But things continue. Perpetuity. One thing is for certain. Continuity. In different shapes and forms, movement will continue. The old will be replaced with the new. Not in any rash way. In a slow, unassuming way. A way which is so subtle, none will realise.

2000 commences, and at that instant, I feel quite isolated. Alone. Cheers all around.

Nothing changes. The uncertainty that engulfed me minutes ago is far forgotten.

Escapism. Must escape. Must find contentment somewhere. But where? Cling to whatever life left that surrounds me? Impossible! Worship whatever temple is in front of me?

Leave. Temporary leave from life. From ordinary life. E. Inaccessible.

Tired. Exhausted. Laborious hours converted into cash exchanged for meagre goods. 100% consumption = pure hedonism. However it is a new year. Indulgences will be a rare occurrence, providing I can abstain.

July, August, September. I peaked. However, after this sensational climax came the decay. Following the months and months of decay – the trough. Perhaps 2000 will break this depression, awake me from this suspended animation.

Escape. I need to escape.