Pretty soon, most of us tried drinking, smoking and smoking up, and we wanted to do it all the time. It was different and new. Tell, me wasnt drinking funner when you first started? Pot seemed so cool and amazing and new. Music, think about music. when i first started to get obsessed with music i was 13 and it was, and still is, everything to me. I couldnt get enough of this new thing i had discovered. Because it was all new, i was constantly learning new stuff about music and the lifestyle it presented. It became me. Now that music is everything, i dont have anything else. In a way that sucks because i missed out on some of the other things in life. not just since i was 13, but my whole life. I was constantly going against the flow. I hated sports, and loved nature. I spent all my time outside or at the library. I heard the other kids laughing and carrying on, playing their stupid games and i hated them. they all had nice clothes. New shoes. Cool hair and listened to different music than me. I liked country music. I began to hate everything and became hateful to all my peers (enemies). i do the same thing now. I hate you and i hate your life and everything that makes everything the way it is. Sometimes i wonder what life would be like if my dad had played catch with me in the back yard. If my parents bought me all the nicest clothes, if they let me watch cartoons and let me go to movies and dances, if i was allowed to have a girlfriend, or go to birthday parties of non-christian friends. If i had followed my parents lead and grew up a christian. I enjoy being the black sheep. I enjoy being miserable. And i enjoy seeing others happy, because i enjoy the hate i feel for them. Ok, anyways, i've gone way off topic.
To be "happy" we have to be constantly learning. And to be constantly learning, we need moderation to enjoy those things we love. The dreaded d-word...disipline. Why didnt our parents let us do everything we wanted when we were kids? Because we'd have nothing to do now. We'd be sick of life and probably dead. Im not saying our parents are wise enough to see this, but through the generations, people have learned from human nature. When we got old enough, to make our own choices and in that journey of overindulgance and overloading of pleasure and wanting it all at once,we got sick of it, or at least tiredly familiar with it, and now spend our days trying to find a new high or at least trying to relive the happiness and excitement we once felt. I'd much rather be a child again, discovering new things, new joys, new friends. The days were so much brighter then.
Why are we so jaded? Because we've left nothing to be discovered. We broke our limits, our barriers, and now i see why they were there. ive fast, die young. We wanted it all and we got it. Is it all so glorious? No. I now understand why Kurt Cobain killed himself Because he grew up like us. He got everything he hoped for, and found out his life had been lived. It was pointless to go on. He acheived all his goals too soon and had nothing left to live for. Whats scary is the fact that we are all in this quicksand (well some of us), this quest for "life".
Do we really know what life is? Are we rebelling against the things that really matter in our lives? Are we really that selfish? Can't we have some moderation? Inner peace won't come from the outside, no matter how much you love or hate something it wont make you feel better. When all this dies in your mind, what then? This barrage of useless shit is killing our feelings making us numb. We are numb to pain. We have taught ourselves that pain is normal. That rejection is normal. Maybe it is, maybe this world is as cruel as it seems. But maybe we brought it on ourselves. I'm not putting a big heavy on you, i'm not even dissing this culture we've created, i'm just saying to keep it real and im just questioning the real meaning of life. And why happiness is so temporary. Everyday is getting dimmer. All i want to know is when will the light finally burn out?