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» CHAPTER FOUR «

~ Present Day ~

 The screeching of a seagull snapped AJ out of his reverie. He flicked away his cigarette and looked out to sea once again. It was a grey overcast day that matched his mood.

’I haven’t exactly come a long way since that day’ he thought bitterly. ‘Nothing’s the same.’

Indeed, that was the truth. In the past five months, everything had changed. AJ no longer sang with the Backstreet Boys. Actually, he never sang at all. His voice had changed. Instead of having the deep, beautiful voice that he used to have, it now came out sounding very rusty. AJ had also pushed everybody away, not wanting to see anyone who reminded of him of the time he had been with Mya. He really didn’t know why he was still alive.

’And the worst part about this is that it’s all my fault that she’s dead. If I hadn’t convinced her to go in the limo with me, she’d still be alive!’ he thought in anguish.

"It’s my goddamn fault!" he screamed into the wind. He felt like he was falling into darkness, never reaching the bottom, slowly going crazy from grief and guilt.

"I can’t go on like this. This isn’t a life, it’s a living death. Mya, I want to see you and talk to you and hold you again. I can’t get over you. Who am I even talking to?" AJ put his head in his hands. Then he looked down at the razor blade he had in his lap. He picked it up and studied it thoughtfully, watching the way it caught the light.

’This can release me. I won’t have to deal with it all anymore. What am I living for anyway? I’ll never be up on stage performing again. My gift is gone. I’m not even half of what I used to be. I’m broken. My angel went back up to heaven and left me. So why not?’

AJ couldn’t find a reason why he should keep living. In his mind, staying alive was just delaying what should have happened awhile ago. ‘But can I do this?’ He thought about it for awhile more, and the conclusion he came to was a definite yes.

’I’ve been through so much pain already, what’s a little more?’ he thought as he shakily brought the blade up to his left wrist.

In a matter of seconds it was done. AJ braced himself against the pain, but when it came it felt far away, like it was all just a bad dream. But in this case he wouldn’t be waking up.

AJ felt a kind of peace as he watched the blood from his wrists trickle onto the ground, as if it were taking his emotional pain away as it went.

After awhile, AJ’s vision blurred and he felt himself fading. Everything gradually grew dark as he closed his eyes and drifted into a sleep from which there was no waking, leaving all of the physical and mental pain behind.

¤ Chapter 5 ¤
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