THE CLEAN POO
The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo in the
bowl, but there's no poo on the toilet paper.
THE WET POO
You wipe your bottom fifty times and it still feels
unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between
your bottom and your underwear so you don't ruin them
with those dreadful skid marks.
THE SECOND WAVE POO
This poo happens when you've finished, your pants are
up to your knees, and you suddenly realise you have to
poo some more.
THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE POO
Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Poo". You
have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple
and practically have a stroke.
THE CORN POO
No explanation necessary.
THE LINCOLN LOG POO
The kind of poo that's so enormous you're afraid to flush
it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with
the toilet brush.
THE NOTORIUS DRINKER POO
The kind of poo you have the morning after a long night
of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark
left on the bottom of the toilet bowl after you flush.
THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD POO" POO
The kind where you want to poo, but even after straining
your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped
and farting.
THE WET CHEEKS POO
Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that
comes out of your bottom so fast that your cheeks get
splashed with the toilet water.
THE LIQUID POO
That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out
of your bottom, splashes all over the side of the toilet
bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your
tender poop-chute.
THE MEXICAN FOOD POO
A class all its own.
THE CROWD PLEASER
This poo is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that
you have to show it to someone before flushing.
THE MOOD ENHANCER
This poo occurs after a lengthy period of constipation,
thereby allowing you to be your old self again.
THE RITUAL
This poo occurs at the same time each day and is
accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.
THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS POO
A poo so noteworthy it should be recorded for future
generations.
THE AFTERSHOCK POO
This poo has an odour so powerful than anyone entering
the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.
THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" POO
This is any poo created in the presence of another
person.
THE GROANER
A poo so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
THE FLOATER
Characterised by its floatability, this poo has been
known to resurface after many flushings.
THE RANGER
A poo which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to
engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often
the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of
toilet paper.
THE PHANTOM POO
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will
admit to putting it there.
THE PEEK-A-BOO POO
Now you see it, now you don't. This poo is playing
games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.
THE BOMBSHELL
A poo that comes as a complete surprise at a time that
is either inappropriate to poo or you are nowhere near
pooing facilities.
THE SNAKE CHARMER
A long skinny poo which has managed to coil itself into
a frightening position - usually harmless.
THE OLYMPIC POO
This poo occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any
competitive event in which you are entered and bears a
close resemblance to the Drinker's Poo.
THE BACK-TO-NATURE POO
This poo may be of any variety but is always deposited
either in the woods or while hiding behind the
passenger side of your car.
THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN POO
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a
gift from God when you actually CAN'T poo.
PREMEDITATED POO
Laxative induced. Doesn't count.
POOZOPHERENIA
Fear of pooing - can be fatal!
ENERGIZER vs DURACELL POO
Also known as a "Still Going" poo.
THE POWER DUMP POO
The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your
pants down when you're done.
THE SPINAL TAP POO
The kind of poo that hurts so much coming out, you'd
swear it's got be coming out sideways.
THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY BOTTOM" POO
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Poos.
The shape and size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer
can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some
time afterwards.
THE PORRIDGE POO
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps
on coming. You have two choIces: (a) flush and keep
gong, or (b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit
there helpless.
THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" POO
When the bag of Dorritos you ate last night lacerates the
insides of your rectum on the way out in the morning.
THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" POO
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of
course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous
bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the
door and enjoy the show as they run out gaggin and
gasping for air.