A silver tabby slowly walked around the perimeter of the junkyard gates, his paws making tiny patterns in the fresh snow. It was a cold but peaceful morning, though the sun could not penetrate the grey clouds and the thick mists.

A small white face popped out of a nearby junk pile and the elder cat smiled softly as he noticed it.

“Good morning, Quaxo.”

“Hi.”

A small black paw followed by a white one and the kitten tumbled into the snow in front of the tom’s feet.

“Why are you up so early?”

The tone was gentle and a little chiding. It wasn’t the weather to be outside. And as far as he knew the little one was supposed to be staying with the tabby’s brother.

“Tugger sounds funny.”

The young tom frowned, “What do you mean? Snoring, is he?”

“No. Sounds funny.”

Since the elder cat knew it was practically useless to ask kittens for detailed information he shrugged, carefully picking the small black furball up by the scruff of his neck. It was time he had a look at whatever his brother was up to…

~

“Tug?” a silver striped paw nudged the black tom with the golden mane and leopard spots who lay sprawled on his bed.

“M-M-u-un-k-k?” The sleepy voice drawled out the word as if the speaker were drunk. Sighing, the tabby nudged his brother again.

They hadn’t talked for a while, yet he was quite sure that he would have noticed if Tugger had started to take to the bottle - or not? Since the Jellicle Ball their paths hadn’t crossed much, Munkustrap being wrapped up in his duties with the kittens and the tribe and the other tom flirting and flaunting himself at the queens.

Almost two months - hard to believe they’d been so close before…the tabby shuddered slightly.

“Munku?” a small voice piped up. He turned around slowly, facing the black kitten. He smiled encouragingly, his paw dropping to his brother’s forehead automatically when the blue eyes failed to fix on him as they drifted open.

He frowned, “Tug? Look at me…”

The other tom’s gaze wouldn’t turn to him.

“Quaxo, please go and ask Jenny to come here. And Jelly too.”

“Is he ill?”

The open, innocent dark eyes measured him and Munkustrap sighed, “I think so.” He wouldn’t lie to the kitten. He’d find out soon enough that Tugger’s body was hot and that his breathing was not merely ‘funny’, but very erratic and came in short gasps.

As soon as Quaxo’s form was out of sight, running through the snow as fast as his short legs would allow, the tabby exhaled, shuddering.

“Tug? Look at me…please…”

He wouldn’t…or couldn’t. Images flashed in front of the young tom’s eyes. A grey-white striped queen, her body warm and comforting as she curled up around him and his brother while they drank her milk. A soft laughter in his ears as he tumbled about with Tug, two balls of fur, their tails tangling as they took kitten swipes at each other with their small paws, hissing in high, wobbling voices…

“Munku, dear, what’s wrong?”

Jenny was beside him already, kneeling down and laying her paw on Tugger’s forehead. Jelly appeared in the doorway, hugging Quaxo to her chest.

Seeing the other queen’s look she took the kitten outside, babbling on about getting him some warm milk. He was squirming to get free as far as the tabby could see before he fixed his eyes on the orange cat beside him.

“He has a fever, Munkustrap.”

“Is it…bad?” He sounded like a kitten and he hated himself for it.

“His eyes are glassy, he doesn’t even seem to notice we’re here. And his temperature is…very high. I’m afraid it’s very bad, dear.”

The tabby pulled away when she tried to put her paw on his shoulder, fighting the panic that gripped him. He nudged his brother again, willing him to look at him, “Tug!”

He received no response. His bottom lip quivered, but he held back his tears. He had no reason to cry…not yet.

~ * ~

It was so cold. And he was all alone. Tugger cowered, his nose to the ground, trying to pick up Cassie’s scent. He dimly remembered that she’d taken him to the edge of the ‘yard. And that there should be someone else here with him…

“M-M-u-un-k-k?” He hardly recognised his voice, and though there was an answer he couldn’t make it out. The sound was so distant, as if the wind were howling and yet it was so still around him. He wanted to cry out, call for his mother…

A grey blur appeared at the edge of his vision. His brother? Or was it Cassie? He couldn’t turn around and he shivered suddenly. He was cold. Very cold. His paws felt numb as if he had walked a long way. And he was tired. And alone…

~

“I’ll stay with him.”

“Munku, dear, I don’t think…”

“I’ll stay with him.”

For all that the tabby was not yet more than a year old, he exuded a quiet authority when he wanted. And right then he did very much want to. The two elder queens looked at each other. Jenny sighed as Jelly shrugged and put her paw on the silver tom’s head. He moved away slightly.

“Stay with him then. But call us when you need help,” she whispered, clearly wanting to hug him, but understanding it wouldn’t be welcomed. She knew he was hurting - and that he hadn’t yet accepted the comfort he had been offered.

“I’ll call you.”

His voice was too calm. No emotion lay in it, his face was stony - a mask. The kitten that lay buried under the cool demeanour was crying, but the young tom was strong.

“Come now, Jenny. Let’s warm some milk for Tugger and Munku…” Laying her paw on the orange queen’s arm she pulled her away gently.

Munkustrap turned around very slowly to face the motionless form of his brother whose eyes were open but staring into nothingness. A tear trickled down his cheek but otherwise he remained quiet, as always…

~

Where was Cassie? He wanted to curl up to her to get warm. She always was warm. And soft and caring. Like Munk. Where was the tabby? He had to be here. Tugger’s vision blurred. Was it snowing? Everything was so bleak and white. Like snow, like mists. And it was damp and cold.

“Mummy?” he whispered. He knew she wouldn’t come. He belonged to Cassie now. And she wasn’t his mum, she was Munk’s. He was alone. And cold…a shiver ran through him as a cool tear dropped onto this front paw.

~

“Tug?” Munkustrap’s voice was eager, his sensitive ears having picked up the whisper though he didn’t catch the word. It didn’t matter, at least his brother was talking. Moving, if only a very tiny bit. It was better than nothing.

The lanky form on the bed shivered slightly. Grabbing another blanket, the tabby wrapped the black tom up tightly, brushing his paw against the damp, hot forehead.

“Please, Tug…” He couldn’t cry. He had no reason to. Not yet.

~

It was growing darker. And colder. So much colder. His mind was racing. With thoughts and images. All dark and…red. Like blood. Munk’s face, dark eyes haunted, deep scratches on his body, shivering. A blur of grey fur, his nose filled with his brother’s scent. So close and yet so cold. Why was he so cold? Munk was there, he could feel him. And suddenly, he was gone. Alone in the middle of nowhere. A white expanse full of winds that ruffled his fur. He shook in the icy gusts.

“Munk?” Where was he? A queen appeared beside him, smiling. But not Cassie. And he wanted Cassie. And Munk. The queen turned away. He didn’t care. He wanted his family. “Cassie?”

~

“Cassie?”

The word registered in Munkustrap’s sleep fogged brain, tearing him from his restless slumber, shaking him awake. He sat up slightly, gazing at his brother.

“He’s cold.” The kitten voice sounded eerily loud in the darkness. It had to be in the middle of the night.

“Go home Quaxo.”

“I’m home.”

Dark eyes met his - the little black tom was as stubborn as the tabby. He would remain, no matter what. Slipping his blanket from his shoulders, Munkustrap wrapped it tightly around his brother. Yet another bit of warmth. And Tugger was still shivering.

“He’s hot there.” The kitten softly pawed at the elder tom’s forehead.

“I know.” His voice was harsher than he liked. He wanted to be alone. And he knew that Quaxo wouldn’t leave. He cared for the ill cat. Like Munkustrap.

“You’re shiv-er-ing.” The little thing had a hard time pronouncing the long word. He sidled up to the tabby, curling up around the elder tom’s front paws since he was too small to reach around his whole body. He started purring low in his throat, even this sound a strangely high, kittenish noise.

“I’m fine.”

“No. Are not.”

Munkustrap frowned. He was tired and worried. And much as he disliked the thought of having Quaxo around he was still grateful not to be alone. Someone with him. Anyone. His head dropped to the kitten’s back, feeling the warmth emanating from the small black body. Another tear slipped free… the fur was silky to the touch, like his mother’s…

~

He wanted Cassie. Now. There were a few cats around him, queens. He recognized their faces but couldn’t care. He didn’t want them. He was cold. And they wouldn’t warm him. Body heat wasn’t enough. His eyes filled with tears. Where were Cassie and Munk? He needed them. He was so alone. And cold.

~

“Munku!” The tabby raised his head groggily, noticing with a hint of surprise that the black kitten was nudging him in the side with his little head.

“What…”

“He says ‘Cassie’. Often.”

“Who…” his mind registered where he was, “Tugger?!”

He stumbled to his paws, leaning across his brother. The trembling lips formed a word, like a broken whisper, “Cassie!”

“Who’s Cassie?”

Ignoring the black kitten, Munkustrap touched the other tom’s forehead. It was even hotter than before. Panic rose in his throat, he gasped. Tugger’s breathing was shallow, more laboured than before. Not him! Not like that!

“GET JENNY!” he hissed at the kitten. Quaxo crouched low, shivering at the tone but he complied, slipping into the darkness, melting into the shadows.

Exhaling, his stomach knotting together with fear and his heart beating hard against his chest he mumbled his brother’s name over and over again as he started sobbing.

~

There was nothing left - he was enveloped in black space. No other cats. No sounds, no lights. Not even the slightest shimmer of brightness. He strained his eyes, his ears, but it was futile. He didn’t notice he was crying, his voice broken as he screamed for Cassie, for Munk. He was so cold. He wanted them to come to him. To hold him. Tell him he wasn’t alone. That they’d be there. He wanted to be loved.

~

“Don’t let him go…please. Don’t let him go…”

Jelly cast a worried glance at Jenny, her arms tight about Quaxo who was clinging to her, his eyes huge and filled with tears.

Munkustrap was sitting at the far end of the room, backed against the wall, his body shaking with sobs as he pleaded with them.

“Take the kit. I’ll take care of them.”

“Shock?”

“Most likely. First his mother, now his brother… Is Deuteronomy back home yet?”

“No.”

Jenny mumbled something under her breath, putting another cold compress on Tugger’s forehead, motioning for Jelly to leave. Quaxo shook his head, straining to get away from her, but she held him tightly, pulling him away. This was no place for a little kitten.

“Don’t let him go…”

“I’m doing what I can Munku.”

“Don’t let him go…” the young tom was shivering. Jenny moved towards him, her heart aching as she saw him back away, even further into the wall. She reached out, noting with approval that he didn’t hiss or slap her paw away as she checked his temperature.

He was alright, as far as the physical was concerned. He was monotonously chanting his ‘Don’t let him go…’ however, and that worried her. But she couldn’t do anything, her attention had to be on Tugger.

~ * ~

Munkustrap awoke early in the morning, his body aching from the position he had adopted in his fitful sleep. He stared in front of him, at Tugger. The leopard spotted chest was rising ever so slightly, but he could hear the sharp intake of breath, the erratic rhythm. His heart pounded against his ribs.

Jenny was sleeping, huddled in the corner opposite him. The tabby got to his feet unsteadily, trudging towards his brother, dropping down beside him and pulling the blankets tightly up around the lean frame. Not shivering as much as before, Tugger’s temperature still hadn’t decreased. He was glowing, his lips forming words that never made it to sounds.

“Don’t go, Tug. Please. I can’t do without you. I need you. Don’t leave me Tug. Don’t…”

His voice caught in his throat and he struggled against the tears. His brother still was here with him. No need to cry. He had seen his mother through her last moments. And he would do the same for Tug if he had to. And then he would cry.

~

Tugger shivered. He was still cold. Very cold. And it was still dark. And he was alone. He was whispering now, his throat raw from screaming. No one heard him. There were no tears left to cry. No one came to claim him from the darkness. He just wanted it to stop. No more fear. No more pain. No longer alone. No longer being…

~

Munkustrap’s ears pricked up when Tugger’s breathing changed, becoming flatter and quieter. Time stood still. He saw his mother’s bright eyes closing, the sparkle slipping from her as she slipped from life. She’d been so young. And he was lost. Only Tug had been beside him that night. His only comfort. The only one who saw him cry.

The tabby shifted, dragging the limp body against his, his claws leaving slight tears in the rugs as he pulled them towards him harshly, wrapping his brother up in the fabric and his arms, holding him tightly.

“You won’t go alone. I’m with you. And I won’t leave. Not until…” He laid his chin on Tug’s head, letting the tears fall. He no longer hoped.

He was no longer calling to them. They had forgotten about him. He truly was alone. And just when he lost all hope he felt something on his cheek - wet and warm.

Nothing around him but those soft drops. Like blood, like tears. He wanted to close his eyes and give in to the blackness. But those drops held him back. Something, someone was there. Wherever. Near him. His paw reached out, groping about blindly. He had to find them.

Whoever was there. They were there. He knew it.

~

“Let go, Munku.”

The tabby shook his head, clinging to Tugger’s body. “He mustn’t be alone.”

Jenny sighed when she saw his eyes - bright with tears, empty and sad. He didn’t want his brother to die alone… And much as she wanted to she couldn’t give him false hope. That would be cruel after what he’d been through.

“Alright. But let me look at him, dear.”

Munkustrap looked like the kitten he had been when his mother had passed away just then - lost and alone and frightened. His muscles were tense as he held on to his brother, allowing Jenny only a little space to check on her patient.

The orange queen sighed again. She couldn’t pry him off the other tom. How much worse would it be for him if Tugger died while he was kept forcefully away? Death was harsh and she wished he had been spared seeing his mother… she shook her head. Concentrate on the now, don’t dwell on the past.

The fever seemed to have gone down a little, but that had nothing to say. There was the chance of a relapse. She didn’t tell Munkustrap. The young tom would grasp at straws. She pulled back, trying to smile at him though he was looking straight ahead, at the wall.

When she had slipped outside, a tiny black paw, followed by a white face with strangely large dark eyes stepped forward, disengaging from the shadows. The kitten slipped along the wall, unnoticed by the tabby as he curled up out of the elder tom’s line of sight, watching him as he held his brother, crying.

~

There was a hint of warmth near him. Hidden in the darkness, but he felt it. Close enough to touch if he only found the source. “Cassie?” no sound came from his throat. Was it her? Someone was there. He stumbled forward, turning around, flailing madly with his paws. “Cassie?”

~

“…and then the sun was going down. Cassie said it made your fur look like gold dotted with black. You were almost glowing in that light. No wonder the queens like you. Couldn’t resist you in the evening light, could they?”

Munkustrap’s voice was quiet, steady. He was no longer crying as he rocked Tugger’s limp body very gently. Quaxo’s dark eyes watched from the shadows that had fallen with the night, his ears flicking now and then. He felt the pain that lay in each word, the unspoken fear and silent pleas. And he kept quiet, observing. His little body was curled up tightly, as if he could stop his heart from beating so fast by tucking himself in…

~

“Come out, please!” He shivered. So cold still. But the warmth was there. Temptingly close. And he would find it. A voice drifted through the stillness, a name…Cassie. His ears picked up the sound greedily, straining to hear more…

~

“…I wanted to hate you so much. And I couldn’t. You were so small. Smaller than Quaxo is, you know. And your eyes were frightened. Cassie looked at you and I thought she’d push you away cause you weren’t hers. But she smiled at you instead. And told you to come in. I hadn’t noticed how tired you looked. And how hungry.”

Tugging the blankets tighter around Tugger, Munkustrap noticed the shivers that shook the lean frame now and then. He wanted to scream, but he couldn’t. There was no choice, no emotion left. He resumed talking, resigned to whatever fate had planned,
“I had always wanted a brother - I do remember my siblings’ scents still you know. I just didn’t know why they wouldn’t lick my nose like Mu…Cassie did. I did want to hate you Tug. But you were so small and helpless. And alone. And I couldn’t. Hell, Tug, I don’t know why I couldn’t hate you. I can’t even be angry with you. I just wanna hug you and hold you. And that is the one thing I can’t do.”

He sniffled and the black kitten raised his white face, a few tears slipping down his cheeks. He understood, for all that he would never breathe a word about what he had heard.

“Do you remember how we played tag? It wasn’t that long ago. A few months. Cassie looked after us. She’d pounce upon us when we least expected it and you’d shriek like a queen. And then we’d have a catfight. She was always laughing though. Especially when we got the better of her. We always tickled her. You on one side, I on the other. Do you remember her laugh Tug?”

Silence answered the tabby. He sniffled again, resting his cheek against his brother’s head,
“I love you Tug. Like Cassie. I wish I could’ve protected her. And you…”

~

“…Tug…” Only one word, his nickname. Only one cat who’d ever called him that. “Munk?” his voice was strained and it didn’t carry, but he was smiling. He wasn’t alone. Munk was there, somewhere. And he’d find him. He wouldn’t be alone. He wasn’t alone.

~

The black kitten met Jelly’s eyes evenly when she shook her head at him. When she hadn’t found him at her place she’d come straight to Tugger’s dwelling.

“Sleeping,” Quaxo mumbled, nodding towards the two other toms.

She smiled sadly and stepped closer, laying her paw on the lanky tom’s forehead. He was wrapped up tightly in blankets and his brother’s arms and he…was calm. His breathing was even if still somewhat too pronounced to be called normal. And his fever…

“Quaxo, go get Jenny, quick.”

The kitten gasped but on catching the happy sparkle in her eyes he jumped up, racing off in search of the orange queen.

~ * ~

“We should wake Munku.”

Gently shaking the tabby, Jelly bent forward. Sleepy dark eyes focused on her, grey paws grabbing the bundle in his lap more tightly as if on an instinct.

“T-T-ug?” his voice shook with fear, he dared not look at his brother.

“He’s recovering.”

“Not ill anymore,” a high kitten voice chimed in and Quaxo pushed past Jenny, snuggling up to Munkustrap, purring against his flank as he pawed almost playfully at Tugger.

“The fever’s almost gone, Munku. He’s out of danger.”

Jelly tried to soothe as much as reassure the young tom who was beginning to shake violently. He was on the verge of losing his composure. The two queens left in unspoken agreement. He didn’t like to have his feelings in the open.

Standing in front of Tugger’s dwelling they heard the first ragged sobs…

~

He had to have fallen asleep in the darkness…and now as he opened his eyes it was very bright and he was warm again…

“Munk?”

“Working.”

Quaxo’s voice was as high as always, ringing out clearly above the hushed morning bustle of the ‘yard and the surrounding streets.

“Ah…”

“It’s sno-w-ing.” Another long word the kitten kept stumbling over.

“Nice…”

He couldn’t remember much but he had had a very bad dream. He’d seldom felt so cold…and alone.

“Tugger, dear! Lovely to see you up!”

Jenny smiled, patting his head. He pulled away and she laughed, somewhat relieved.

“Munku left you a mouse earlier, and here’s one for Quaxo too…”

The kitten grinned, nodding, his dark eyes fixed on the tabby standing in front of Tugger’s place, his paw on his lips. He would keep his silence. If Munkustrap didn’t want to speak of how much the past days had cost him, how afraid he had been then he would respect that.

“What’re you looking at?” Blue eyes fixed on Quaxo questioningly.

“The snow,” the kitten replied, smiling softly…


The End.

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