Greetings! I'm the Sorting Hat. I'm sure you know my name
Or if you don't, it makes no odds, I'll sort you just the same.
You think your fate's your own? You think there's choices to make?
You're twelve years old! And now I choose the course your life will take
And what a joke to put you in a house that you deplore!
It's likely that I'm biased - I belonged to Gryffindor.
So, step up, little friends, and listen to my voice!
Be pigeon-holed and labelled by my thinly thought-out choice!
Will you be a Gryffindor, and never act with prudence?
Will you be a Hufflepuff, all slow and steady students?
Maybe you're a Ravenclaw; no action and all vision,
Or soon to be a Slytherin, and so end up in prison.
Is it slow and stupid Hufflepuff,
Or boring, bookish Ravenclaw?
Low and slimy Slytherin,
or arrogant, over-sexed Gryffindor?
Oh, come along, my first years! Don't look at me like that!
You know I always get it right! I am the Sorting Hat!
Though you'll never know, I'm sure, for all your pride and glories,
How the other houses see you, or the part you'll play in stories.
Ravenclaws, are wise, it's said, but mainly ineffectual,
Gryffindors, to judge by fics, are mostly homosexual.
Hufflepuffs are secondary, so they always die,
And Slytherins so angsty that it makes you want to cry.
Is it dead and loyal Hufflepuff!
Or wise and pointless Ravenclaw?
Moaning, whinging Slytherin,
Or three-in-a-bed romp Gryffindor?
Oh, years from now, when all is done, and all the stories read,
The Ravenclaws forgotten and the Hufflepuffs all dead.
The Slytherins all occupied with voices in their head,
(And Gryffindors are all shagged out from weekends spent in bed)
The Sorting Hat will still be here, and still I'll sing my song!
I sorted generations, and I never got it wrong,
Or did I? You may wonder. You can wonder till you're dead
If my whim or passing fancy put you somewhere else instead
And now my song (I know it's long) is nearly good and done.
Well, it's only once a year that a hat gets any fun!
So come! And sit, and I will shout your destiny, your fate,
Or just shout what I fancy if I can't be arsed to wait.
Is it late, lamented Hufflepuff!
Or What's-her-name the Ravenclaw?
Or Slash-your-Wrists the Slytherin,
My place or yours? The Gryffindor!
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