THEY SAID IT

I DID NOT ASK FOR A SINGLE PERSON'S PERMISSION TO PUT THEIR NAME ON THIS SITE! BWA HA HA HA HA!!!

means entered this month.

Prof. Adam:

"Man, did you forget supper, too? You have supper every single day of your life! Every day!! HOW COULD YOU FORGET!?"
"For sale on ebay, one video projector. Cords are cut... but it's completely legit, new in-box."
"Hmm, moderato assai. VERY moderate. 'Are you a good guitarist?' 'I AM VERY OKAY.'"
"Oh no! Oh no! The trumpets! Such tension! We need to resolve this! Uhhh---uhhhhh----FLUTES! The flutes save the day! Thank you, thank you flutes for coming in to resolve musical tension!"
(pausing in middle of rant to sip a coffee) "Ah... this moment brought to you by... some guy in South America."

Colleen:

"It's so silent, you can't even see it!"
"It wasn't a burp, Laura. It's called puberty."
"Now all we need is an empty bottle of whisky to make this all make sense."
"Sounds like a great musical. 'I could crush your head like a melon. But I'd rather...dance!'"
(after giving me my birthday present) "You owe me seven bucks!"
"It's a near-sleep experience."
"Now! Drink that lava lamp!"
(looking at a cheap Christmas tree with big yellow lights) "That garland is just paper...and I bet those lights are just lemons. Nuclear lemons."
"If his head was a leaf, there would be a chunk out of it."
"They do not create schisms, they create tweezums. Therefore, they are pliers." (pronounced tweez'ms)
"Noodles on the wall. There's one on my bedroom wall too. It's stuck to Ben Affleck. Unless it's a moustache."
"So Nike was a god? I can just imagine Nike leading an army. They're all like, "Uhhh, I don't wanna..." and he's like, "JUST DO IT!"
"Except it wouldn't be darts, it would be elecrical lighting bolts, 'cause Zeus is my bitch."
"I prefer not to label people as 'hicks' or 'Jews.'"
"Stop touching things! Everything you touch, it turns to juice!"

Lau:

"Imagine Charlotte from 'Charlotte's Web' was illiterate. So instead of writing 'Some Pig,' she writes 'Mm Pork.'"

"Why would you need a two-man tent in your pants, Jeremy?"

"That's me: an enigma wrapped in a lie smothered with a secret. On a bagel."
"All that will be left of me are bones and a long-overdue assignment."
"Hey leave them alone! They're trying to have a nice, quiet naked van party."
"Pointy babies aren't any fun."
"I think I'm allergic to FD&C Yellow #5."
"Those meteorologists are getting better. They've almost got it down to a science now...meterorology, I guess. Yeah."
"I want to get a white cane and stumble around until someone honks. Then I'll beat their windshield in. That's good karma."
"Sure men put women up on pedestals. But that's just so they can look up our skirts."
"If I saw Anthony and Emerson kiss today, and got hit by a bus tomorrow, I would die happy."
"Look at that speedy dealing hand! I bet you get all the ladies with those skills. Actually, who needs women when you have a hand that fast?"
"Independent candidates, male hookers...it's a slippery slope."
- "On the weekend, I watched this movie with Eddie Murphy and Judge Reinhold. And then I told them, you know, hey, get out of my house."
- "I forgot to wish Jennifer Lopez a happy birthday last year. She still isn't talking to me."
- "Oh Colleen, Shania Twain called. And she is PISSED."

Anum:

"Ugh! This book has words!"
"We could have trees representing the forest!"
"That thing...where you pump your car!"
"My mom checked my head for a forehead."
(as we were walking past a sign) "Hmm...'please leash and clean up after your dog.' Too bad I don't have a leash!"

Announcements:

"Bring your cheque on Thursday so you can get your yearbook today!"
"The school is collecting teddy bears for the holiday food drive..."
"Good afternoon, these are your morning announcements."
"Half the school came out to the gym Wednesday afternoon to see The Staff beat The Meat."
"Teacher, please accuse soccer players at two o'clock..."
"Girls' rugby: woof woof."
"ND LIVE live live...has been CANCELLED cancelled cancelled!"

Mr. Baerg:

"Hey there, hot stuff! Not you, Abhi."
"Ooh, nice euglena. Better volvox!"

Abhi:

"You're so mean, Laura! Geez, I'm only annoying."
"I'm pretty sure I could beat most of those girls."
"Well, you can't be heading towards Block A, because Block A is really more of a concept."
"Bed-head Abhi and tuque-head Abhi are the same person, just different heads."
"Have a good spring break. Not vacation! Vacation is like tea with your grandparents. Break is like... getting wasted with your grandparents."

Harmon:

"Shutthefuckup."

Bicky:

"Odin would win. He's got that gymnast's body. He'd flip over him. Ballerina shit-kick him!"
"Halfway through Cabin Fever, the director just gave up."

Brandon:

"Heather looks like she's drowning in her clothes."

Mr. Barham:

"You can get it right, don't get me wrong."
"You flip a coin. What's the probability of drawing a heart?"

Mrs. Barham:

"Don't look at me in that tone of voice."

Dylan:

"When you say Wednesday, do you mean today Wednesday, or tomorrow Wednesday? You know what I mean."

Caitlin:

"For a while, it was all eerie sayings and mist!"

Gurpreet:

"My pictures are of a banana and the island of Panama because...they rhyme."
"The object I brought to symbolize the book is..." (looks around the room) "a clock."

Mrs. Beadle:

?Hank, if you don?t bring a pen to class next day, I?m going to wrestle you to the ground in front of everyone.?
"THAT'SANANDOR!"
"Let's just scratch out that 's'...or make it into a flower so it looks pretty."
"Uh-oh, someone's dying out there. Nisha, be a dear and close the door."
"And what was receiving the whoring...uh...horrifying?"
"But when I look out and see people flipping their pens and being weird..."

Beatty:

"What's that? Huh? Turkey? Turkey? Roast beef? Fondue??"
"SA-WEET JEEESUS!"

Wes:

"Tabernacle! What dey say bout ma teeth?!"

Mr. Bisig:

"C'est le eskimo rock du Canada, eh?"
"I like those earrings because they're so whatever."
"You were still high from your oral, right?"
"Numledonpa! Just rolls off your tongue."
"Here, I'll just uncover my exclamation mark."
"Aah! La nudiste!"
"Balayez, balayez!"

Nikki:

"Why aren't I in your list of quotes? I'm really funny in the...funny thing."
"Oh, Natalie, would you mind just turning around a little so Will can pull down his pants and you can give him head?"

Mrs. Bonokowski:

"There's an exception to everything...almost."

Brett:

"If only there was NyQuil ice cream..."

Bricault:

"Shirran's a nice enough guy, he just can't do anything."
"You know when you're eating a bag of flour and it tastes bad so you wash it down with water and it turns into paste and it gets all over the floor and then you have to mop it up..."
"You smell like smells. You're Smelly Smellerson from Smellsville, Land of the Smell."
"Look, you can be born and not know who the father is, but you have to know who the mother is. Oh no, I was accidentally born in the wrong lady!"
"Hey, I swing five ways, but not THAT way."
"It's separated from its fuzzy bit by blackness."
"WHO'S JOHN NOW? THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT!"
"Yeah, okay. And mx=g."
"Where, in a room full of cupboards and drawers, could a backpack hide?"

Mr. Brown:

"Skateboarding didn't begin on the west coast, it started in Southern California."
"I don't have any feelings for clowns."
"The arcubuss could go through three or four people at a time, if they were lined up properly."
"It involved a four-legged creature, and politics."
?Austria is a very neutral county. Very positive."
"Then they had to go further out to find beaver. The British really love that beaver."
"Those wigs are fake."
"Summer tends to be different from winter."

Scott:

"Take it off, Mr. Bisig!"
(as the old man who always wandered around the school went past the window) "There goes Speedy!"

Andrew:

"I suspect my parents think I'm gay." (to get away from Shannon, Jerome hides behind Andrew) "...and you're not helping."
"SPAM?!? It tastes like death and filler!"
"Yankees suck, Paul. If you ever wear that shirt again, I swear to God..."
"What's up with Amanda? 'Hey Tom, what's going on?' 'Fuck off, Amanda.' 'What's that? You're going to the Dragon Boat Festival?'"
"Nine out of ten doctors agree: death is good. 'I tried death, and it saved my marriage!'"
"What happened to Japan? It went from 'fight for honour' to 'super happy fun ball! Seven!'"

Charles:

"If you need me, I'll be in the girls' dressing room."

Jeremy:

"Go find someone else's pants to unzip!"
"Mr. Karila's pants are glowing!"
"Stop trying to reach down my shirt, Will!"
"Stop feeling pain. He doesn't like it."
"Nelly is coming from all angles!"
"It's Chinese hat torture!"
"Muffgoat sounds like exploding corpses."
"The longer his hair grows, the stupider he gets."

Riley:

"Well why don't you just stick a big wet metal rod in there?"

Christina:

"Shut up, you fat, pubic hair, fire-crotch lizard!"

Mrs. Clarke:

"I'll put a cork in you!"
"Why are there more people on this side of the class than on that side? Is it because the door is on that side? You know I close the door. So you cannot get out. Everyone A-G on this side and H-Z on that side. Oh no! Is worse! How can it be?"
"We have quizzes in the first few chapters, then we go like there's no manana."
"With these parameters, how many different ways are there of completing the test? Well of course there is only one way to complete it, but this person is guessing. I thought that you might identify with that."
"Now what we do is a reverse-factorial. It's not actually called that. Don't tell anybody that I called it that!"

Liz:

"That's right! War...huh! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing."
"You're all kinds of white!"
"Mr. Fehr is the cutest man ever!"
"I gave up on track in Grade 7. That's when everyone retires."

Kelly:

"Novelty dance this way!"
"We made a song for you, Harmony: Harmon-eeeee! Harmon-ahhhh! Harmon-eeeee! Harmon-ah-ha-ha-ha, ah-ha-ha-harmon-eeeee! Harmony-ahhhh! Some whis-key in my pack!"
"Don't you touch my learning goggles! I need those to learn!"
"Yes, Carmen. All Asians know each other."
"Teachers don't make Christmas plans. They get plugged in for recharging."

Danny:

"Cars go fast and not in water."
"The object I brought to symbolize the book is...the book. Because the words of the book...are within...the book."

Eric the Red, or Prickus, or whatever:

"My ball fell out!"
"Whoa! Take a chillage pill!"

Kurtis:

"Our scene is called, 'Don't Count your Chickens...Before We Chop their Heads off While You Watch.'"

Stacy:

"Just tell Natalie what she wants to hear."
"I hate biology. Oh, this bone is called the tridigitusrhyzilinitrongorn! That translates into the Greek 'Middle finger, fuck you.'"

Harmony:

"How long is lunch hour?"
"I love myself."
"They search us as we get on the cruise ship? What do they think I'm going to do, poke a hole in it?"

Ms. Dillingham:

"All right, cut it out. Whoever it is that's tapping their foot whenever I put the chalk on the board...now it's time for another Socials chalk-tapping musical experience!"

Dr. Pat:

"That of course had the disadvantage of being entirely wrong."
"If you spell sulfur with a 'ph,' I won't mark it wrong. I'll probably sit back in my chair and cheer."
"I've never got my cat to stand still long enough while I waited with the test tube."
"Chalk is mostly calcium carbonate and maybe a little vanilla flavouring."
"The triangle means the reaction requires heat. It doesn't mean you go camping or nothin'."
"Take that compound and hit it with some triangle!"
"If it wasn't for H₂CO₃, every time you'd have a bag of salt and vinegar chips, you'd...die."
"Hydroscopic is the chemistry way of saying sulphur trioxide likes to get its freak on with water."
"I can't stare at my own teeth."
"E.F. stands for empirical formula. Or emergency fruitcup."
"If you wrote it like that, I would laugh. Then I would call up all my chemistry buddies. And we would laugh. And then I would cry."
"At least he's right on time for the 8:30 Newfoundland start."
"What can I say? My glass is half-full! Of titanium nitrate solution."
"The calcium hydroxide solubility blues. 'Ain't got no nitrates. Ain't got no cigarettes.'"

Mr. Fehr:

"To make a long duma short..."
"I just happen to have a three page reading assignment."
"Mussolini signed the Lateran Pacts just so he could say to the Catholic Church, 'Shut the hell up.'"
"I have good news and bad news. The bad news is, I don't have any copies of the quiz for today. The good news is...I'll read it to you."
"Laura, if I was lying on the ground, wet and shivering, would you pick me up and take me to the medical room?"
"Hitler was a neurotic turned psychotic, and probably shouldn't have been running a country."
"He said, 'We only have to kick the door and the whole rotten, stinking structure of communism will fall!' which is an example of Hitler's diplomatic way of saying things."
"It happens, in Africa, when an elephant decides to attack an ant hill..."

Mme Fox:

"Don't make fun of Gilles Vigneault in Quebec. It would be like...JIHAAAAD!"
"You're all my dream-daughters!"

Kevin:

"I don't want to tell you the date because if I get something wrong I might get shot by your dad."
"I want to be a cadaver. For science, baby! Science rules! I bet Bill Nye is going to be a cadaver. Wouldn't it be awesome to dissect Bill Nye?"
(while playing the Asian game)"I'm the saver. I'm like Jesus. I'm still winning. I'm still Jesus. Who's winning? Oh, Jesus."
(reading "Get up and Bar the Door" and trying to say "hussyfskap") "My hand is in my pussy!"
"I buy CDs out of guilt!"

Evan:

"Oh yeah, Ms. Third makes us listen to Tupac and stuff. She's messed up."

Agnes:

"I'll kill the captain of the boat, and sail across Canada..."

Grayson:

"This means you put scary stuff on our tests!"
(bulb in overhead blows)"ACT OF GOD! NO QUIZ!"

Emerson's Solution to Everything:

"Punch him in the throat and run."

Natalie:

"Brittiany, get me off!"
"Bob Marley is dead?!"
"Alex, you're just trying to be...you!"
"We can have a double Natalie party!"
"I've been waiting for years for Camille to tell me she digs me."
"I'm so delirious, I'm imagining angles. I'm hallucinating...mathematically!"
"Could you go over what form of what to use when?"

Carly:

"Please do not let me harm you. Cause I won't."

Eric J:

"Ugh! I am so mad at the person who invented effort!"
"We won't get burned up in any war! We'll all be safe in our igloos."
"My education depends on a HAT!"
"You might hate us now, but just wait. One day Nik will walk up to you and say, 'Hey Stacy,' and you two will end up having sex."
"I need an anti-girl-mad-at-me ray."
"My mom's weird. I'll come home, and she'll say: 'You smell like smoke. Have you been using the potato cannon again?!?' And I'll say: 'No, just smoking dope.' I seem to get in less trouble that way."
"I know how to make a hydrogen bomb. All you need are some toothpicks and Liquid Plumr."
"I say we should find Isaac Newton and kick his ass. But he probably has a law that says you can't kick his ass."
"But when you use a chatroom, Mike, make sure not to use any identifying phrases. Like 'friggin' A!' or 'hello my name is Michael.'"
"Bricault! How did you get your rugby jersey so clean? Oh that's right: in order to get it dirty, you have to play."
"Sleeping squirrel! That's my Native name."
"Ooh, a plug-in flashlight. A definite addition to your earthquake preparedness kit."

Connor:

(six years old, out of nowhere)"I claim this tower in the name of En-gland!"

Joey:

"Mmm, mmm, your nostrils! Flare them!"

Kandice:

"Zoophysics. Animals in motion."

Mr. Karila:

"Hot chili!"
"I can address you needs at a later time, one on one."
"What does the triangle tell you?"

Mrs. Kenis:

"Electricity is not magic."

Kevin:

(to first sub of the year) "What is this? What did you do to Mr. Vint? Take off that mask."

Chris:

"She's got the shovel-face..."

Mrs. Kung:

"They killed it, so it might be dead..."
"E. coli can be passed from person to person...through poo-swapping."
"X marks the navel!"

Mr. Kushnir:

"What question are we on? Ah yes. 2.b) Or not 2.b) That is the question."
"They stomped you. You're squished. You ain't gonna steal no more purses."
"He tripped and smashed his face into the door forty-seven times. God bless America."
"Oh Kristi. It's gotta be tough going through life being special."
"We pass a law. Tiger Woods, mini-golf, that's it."
"When I wear a suit, it's either a wedding, a funeral, or a basketball game."
"Yeah...drugs are a good thing sometimes."
"My theory is that women live longer than men because men have to live with women."
"If they kept going the way they were going, they would have lost their identity. But the Canadians had stars in their eyes. Specifically, fifty stars. With a few stripes thrown in there for good measure."
(dog walks into classroom, owner tries to call it out)"No no! Let him stay! He's raising the IQ level in here!"
"We'll talk about giant Russian women tomorrow."
"Where was I? Whips and chains."
"It's great weather. If you're a duck." (later) "Yeah, the traffic's pretty brutal in the rain. All those ducks..."
"I'm a figment of your imagination."
When he mixes his metaphors:
- "It's like brushing your teeth every day, rather than having to send in troops."
- "So the next time my dog sticks his paws over the edge of the mat and tries to build a machine gun..."

Jonny:

"Japanese boy in American world, go to the beach and look at the girls, see naked man and want to hurl."

Danielle:

"You speak grammar."

Andrea:

"Just beacuse her last name sounds like an IKEA chair..."

Nick:

"Why did they call it SALT I and SALT II? So they could join up with PEPPER? Petroleum exporting... petroleum... petroleum... exporting regions."

Mr. Lim:

"Many, many donkey years ago..."

Aaron:

"You know what I hate? Phlegm. There's nothing worse than phlegm."
"Size J? She must have to take the bra off the car and wear that. CHEVY."

Anthony:

"Can you bring him an apple, or would he be mad?"

Danny:

"If you don't buy our used cars, we'll club these baby seals! Aye, I'm Scottish!"

Mrs. Lucas:

"In the event of a real event..."
"But situations differ in different situations..."

Mrs. Lee-Wilkey:

"I just have one question to ask you. How big are your grandparents' names?"

Ryan M:

"What's that, Jake? Are you trying to grow an outline of your face?"
"I dropped my eraser. Across the room."
"They married twelve-year-olds?! But they're only, like, three feet tall... perfect."

Math Substitute:

"Sit down, sir. Uh...ma'am."

Mr. Malo:

"I'm not the new guy anymore. There's someone under me now."
"I know; it's dripping."
"What if your significant other is being significant with someone else?"
"Believe in your elf."
"'Tis possible, mayhap in a fortnight!"
"Don't breathe like you're squeezing out a kid or something. *pant pant pant*"
"Mr. Barham, you're married. Leave Felicia alone."
"Here's a bit of advice that I want you to remember for when we meet again, kid: yes, I do want to supersize my fries."

Nik:

"Move the overhead left. LEFT! LEFT! HARDER! HARDER!"
"Oh my gentle Jesus."
"It's all right; we can't all pass."
"If I had facial hair, I'd grow it out."
"...So, when's this massacre?"
"That was it?! Stupid CBC... the massacre was just the cameraman getting beat up. They couldn't even afford guns; they had to use a big rock."
"Hey Eric, wanna find out many body parts we can pierce before we contract some weird blood disease?"
(listening to a computer start up) "OOH! Star Trek noises!"

Asha:

"Ha ha ha! So funny! Makes me want to care. Fuck you."

Mrs. McKerlich:

"And then they put the stick between their legs and, well, close your eyes and let your imagination go wild."
"And Ms. Fader will be doing interesting things with her trumpet..."
"What did the percussionist get on his test? Drool."
"Everybody with blue hair play. This means you, Craig."
"How DARE you swing those eighths?!"

The Jake, or Rick Westerlund, or whatever:

"This is my friend, Vibrato. No! I mean---joystick! No!"

"My sugarplum fairies' names are Jimmy, Puffball, and Turnip. And Appletree. And Vibrato..."

"And then there was that little Mentos laugh, you know, ha-ha-ha."

"Oh man, I'd hate being on a bomb squad with Jarvie. 'Yo yo yo, Jake-o, mah homie. Help me out wit' dis bomb, man!' 'Cut this wire, Jarvie.' '...I'm not gonna cut it. You cut it Jake-o, mah homie in da crib. Yo yo, I'm black.' 'You're not black, Jarvie.'"

"^ Chicklets and daffodils and pies! ^"

(from a corner in the quiet music room) "French horn is cool!"

"Whoa, JFK must be smokin' ... common sense."

"And if you do cross the border, you must bring a shotgun. Or a handgun. Doesn't matter, really. Any kind of firearm will be acceptable. Just always remember: Don't you ever dare mess with Texas."

"I LOVE THE COCK!"
"Stay away from my wife, Bricault."
"Mr. Barker may have only been the student teacher here for a couple of weeks, and he may look a little bit greasy, but I still trust him more than Mr. Campbell."
*Watching Beatty in the wood shop hold a tape measure to his crotch and extend the tape* "Beatty! Stop thinking about Mr. Barker."
"Yeah, my Motrin pen on a chain around my neck. I was so gay back then. Back then.
"Portugal looks like a face? Come on, that's like saying Turkey looks like turkey. Wait...Does it?!"

Michael:

"It was a ghost! That or Chetan."
"Does that say 'glass' or 'gbss?'"

Mike:

"I have a fish tank and it used to have fish in it but I didn't want to change the water so I flushed them down the toilet."
"Pencils are for winners. You made a good choice."
"April Fools! Oh wait, you're seriously hurt."
"ASTRONAUT SATELLITE FORCE!"
"I want to be screwed by the government, too. Especially Sheila Copps. She's hot."
(trying to incite a danceoff with Nick)"Let's see you moonwalk, FATASS!"
"A bunch of Asian kids tried to teach me that Asian game at a convention. They were like 'hey, let's teach this roundeye Big-2!'"

Dr. Moody:

"The chief was baptised... along with his many wives..."

Helen:

"I'll name my kid CaPP and hate him forever."

Nadine:

"Unshaven men are my company tonight."
"Don't you mouth-talk to me!"

Other Jake:

"Never mind, I found the sheet. It's a stub. No one notices a stub."
"Tomorrow I'm going to set her hair on fire."
(Listening to Jason play clarinet horribly on a recording of a band concert) "What's that, a shriekaphone?"

Jarmez:

"Cruise ships are fun and for people who work hard in real jobs instead of running around in lycra and doing the fandango."
"You had to translate for me in NS though. 'Rar rar muffle hoo har lovely cheers!'"
"Paranoia tells me my dad sits in the attic cutting up spiders into dust and putting them into my shower gel. I thought it was funny at the time... kinda. Part of me did. But the other part kept trying to convince me that it might not be as crazy as it sounds. I just couldn't work out why my hands smelt of spiders when I got out of the shower."
(Seinfeld vs. Predator) "George accidently offends the Predator thus setting into motion a series of amusing misunderstandings and George's eventual death and skinning by the Predator whilst Jerry makes smart ass comments about his thermal vision and Kramer can't find his shoes."
"I suddenly had this vivid thought about how I should be employed in a campaign to glamorise vegtable fat spreads."
"The NITRO POWER does look quite cool. It's like alien technology. Romulan. I'm not joking. I'll shave with this tomorrow. I admit I'm a bit excited even though I am above this. Wow. The Nitro. Wow. It's green. I... think... OH MY FUCKING GOD!! THE ALOE VERA STRIP. Now I can be like all the other boys. This shaver completes me. But no... wait.... THE FUSION!!! I NEED THE FUSION!!!! WITH THE FIVE BLADES!!! PLUS THE PRECISION BLADE!!"
"A man needs a man's razor. A razor that don't fuck around!! Like the M3 POWER NITRO."

Ian:

(holding out a screw to me)"Hey, wanna screw?"

Mrs. Nielsen:

"She enjoys male company. What a nice way to say sex."
"(singing) We're going to the island, with Mr. White Magic. We need someone to play the virgin....and it's not going to be mee! I have proof that I'm not a virgin."

Alex (Hitler):

"Yeah, Tyler's wearing a housecoat. He always has to shower after touching his girlfriend."
"Could you possibly do that in a less homoerotic way?"
"Malo ain't got no game!"
"He was in Orgasma II: The Second Cumming."
"Sitting in a lake of gasoline until you explode. What a good way to go."

Camille:

"Avril Lavigne looks just like a rodent in eyeliner and a tie."

Mr. Odin:

"The other half of that word is on an overhead somewhere..."
"Got that entrepreneurial spirit. Everybody say hallelujah."

Hank:

"What's contraception? Oh...I heard some girls use Coke. It kills sperm. It would be sticky. Maybe they use Diet Coke, instead."
"Good video. Lots of guns, blood, explosions, old ladies...very educational. Very."
"World War Two! HOORAY!"
"The Olympics. If this fail, we all die!"

Rocco:

"Doctor Vint, duh-duh! The looove doctor!"
"All I need is a van, and I can be a pedophile!"

Stevie:

"My optometrist's equipment was too small for my mouth."

Tyler:

"Let's just say that Chris has something very special for me later...oh, I'm not telling you."
"Travis owes the world thirty-two IQ points."

Kyle:

"It's reverse stalkology!"

Herman:

"I met a monk once. I hate the bastard."
"I'VE GOT THE BIGGEST HEAD IN THE WORLD!"

Gena:

"There was a guy in a Ferrari, and he was sooo hot. So everyone was gawking at him... then he turned around... and came back the same way!"

Prof. Pyrcz:

"Does Paul Martin jump every time George Bush coughs? Or does he just like jumping?"
"Is it better to be manipulated by TV so that, growing up, your knowledge of gender roles is dictated by the Smurfs? Or is it better to be lined up and told to act in Smurf-like ways or they'll bust your kneecaps?"
"No, that's savagery! When you just trip buddy as he's going to the net, you're not playing basketball, you're playing some kind of... ninja game."

Farzana:

"My master was demonstrating this thing on me and he broke my bra."

Prof. Richard:

"When I retire, I'm going to make that my hobby: trying to get into Patrick Moore's head."
"I was just learning English when I took math in university, and the professor was from India. For years I thought x^2 was said, "x depar two!"
"I might ask some math questions like, if lawn mower emits carbon monoxide at a rate of 100 cubic centimetres per hour, how long would it take you to commit suicide..."
"It used to be so easy! You'd just go into your garage and turn the car on and you'd be dead in ten minutes! Then they had to go and introduce all those exhaust regulations and frankly it takes forever now."

Jason:

(while dangling a couple inches off the ground in rock climbing, in a really high voice)"Little more slack, Dylan, a little more! Eventually I would like to have children!"
"Ever heard of Jesus Death Metal? It's like Creed, but lamer."
"We are CYANIDE. Prepare to be CRUSHED."
"I'd figure out how much I need to live in a fair amount of extravangance for the rest of my life, and give the rest to charity."
"Whatever. I'm Italian. I can handle it."

Sana:

"Just out of curiosity, why is the word 'hickey' on the board?"

Dr. Saklofske:

"You're very lovely and I'm going to do something about that."

Ken:

"Train 48 is just a bunch of horse...things."
(upon hearing Britney Spears - Toxic) "There. She sold out. That's it for this harlot."
"TOMATO?!? What the fuck is TOMATO?"
"The Dixie Chicks are evil. They're evil, and I won't have it."

Mom:

"What a wonderful drug!"
"What is he, a Cathcart?"
"Here's a dead pencil with somebody's head on it."
"It was too ugly to deserve a name."
(keeping in mind that she works in a mental hospital) "As soon as Kool-Aid starts sending me messages, I'll check myself into work."
"Actually, you would still be short, just in a different way."
"Wow, these lights seem to brighten the room!"
"I could have been the Gordie Howe of motherhood."

Mr. Shirran:

"We'll talk about your pants later, Craig."
"Now my children have no father...no...now my children have no husband...no..."
"Jessica, you look like you can't read."

Nick:

"You're a weasel."

Small-Head Jimmy:

"Then it's all down over the up thing, you know."
"What does 'female' mean?"

Craig:

"Let's kick cancer's butt!"

Mike S:

"Anum likes to jump up and down. On men."

Kenny:

(steps over my friends' legs while we eat lunch in the hall) "Ladies galore!"

Thomas:

"Could the big powers...veto the League?"
"Thank God for non-convenience!"
"The American way is to do things half-assed. The Canadian way is to copy the Americans."

Auntie Sam:

"Don't eat that! That's the thing around the thingy-thing!"
"What we need right here is a statue of the Virgin Mary."

Will:

"Oh my God, it's getting bigger!"
"Whoa, Jeremy exploded!"
"Gum is just shooting out of Jeremy!"
"Wait until I get my hands on you tomorrow at school."
"So, what are you doing in June?"

Furious D:

"Aw, that's poo, Mr. Shirran! That's poo!"
"Don't even TRY to help me off the floor. Don't forget, I'm beating you up at 3:10. Three-oh-nine, I stop talking to you, three-oh-nine-thirty, I start beating you up, three-ten, you're dead."
"Does anyone have an eraser? Fine, I'll be forced to use my teeth!"
"Well, he lives at the bottom of the ocean, he's a sponge, and his pants are square. WHAT MORE COULD YOU ASK FOR?"
"We would be ready to present now, except that during one of our prep days, Mr. Vint was here calling us dahlings, and..."
"Calling a red beetle a ladybird is like calling the eagle a little purple beetle."

Bryan:

"Nice bandana, Anum. You look like a super-bad-ass."
"Aren't the Moffatts dead or something?"
"Didn't Champlain do something evil? No? Well what good was he then?!?"
"They went into the magical forest of danger. Full of lions and shit."

Glenn:

"Oh no! I've been sober too long."

Mrs. Thornicroft:

"And if you do not want to play volleyball, do not attend the tryouts."

Aaron:

"I was so hammered, and the streetlights through the fog...I thought God was coming down to get me!"

Jesse:

"My hand is broken from all this writing! I didn't use it at all over the holidays...*pauses to hear muffled snorts and giggles*...except for that."
"Now I realise that nobody understood a word Small-Head Jimmy just said, so let me read his paper, and we may all gain a higher knowledge of the answer to this question. 'The DNA is...yummable...and are helpful in their friendship.' There now, isn't that much better?"

Vic:

"Math 4 eva."
"Could you move that down? Your little...shadow-thing?"
"All your friends are at the beach, and you're in math class, watching the frog."
"Don't even try to armwrestle me! I'd take you down so fast...hmm."(picks up a piece of paper)"I could make a flower out of this."

Carmen:

"Oh no! I think I broke my leg! Kelly! Why did you have to throw that paper ball at me? Mr. Malo! Oh my God!"
"Everybody likes that ham."

Mr. Vint:

"You can get away with calling someone fat if they aren't, and stupid if they are."
"Oh, right! Right! Right right right! Right! Wrong."
"Oh, please don't tell anyone that I have a fake accent!"
"He's sick. He opened the window, and influenza!"
"But I can't kick the kid in the balls. That would be 'unprofessional.'"
"Screw you, hippie! I'm not doing it! And I didn't."
"Kevin is very sick...caught with a jump rope outside 7-11."
"Do you cross your heart and hope to die? I have a needle."
"You don't want jugs. Trust me."
"Why you got to live so long?"
"And I didn't have to point at him, because he's so stupid! Congratulations, Cam! Usually amoebas don't live to be seventeen."
"Justin! You can't walk around with a beer in one hand and what's-his-face in the other..."
"I touched your bum! Bum bum bum!"
"Cam! You useless pile of whatever."
"Oh, you brown kids all look the same."
"Most theatres have the green room under the stage. Being this school district, they filled it with sand. The music room wanted some storage for all their instruments...sand."

Melissa:

"Well, my friend Mel is known as skinny Mel, and that was fine, but then I realised that would make me fat Mel. That's not cool!"
"What do you mean the root word of judiciary is judge? It's Judi!"

Chris:

"Pimp my Sink!"
(going from one empty stapler to the next) "What kind of game is this guy playin'?"

Nushabah:

"I'm a girl, but it's not like I have a choice. Except surgery."
(a cardboard box was removed from a bush after about a week) "Somebody stole my box!"
"If I find out that he's not hot, I'll call you, but if he is hot, I won't call you because I'll probably be busy."
"She copied off me. But of course, I copied off her too. Neither of us really got anywhere."

Anonymous people:

(after I had told him about some lathering facial scrub I have, called "Deep Impact")"Great, the only thing I need is Elijah Wood on my face."
"I just want to beat that guy's head into a sharp wall."
"I'd break both, if not all of my legs."
"Quit smackin' my potatoes!"

Sometimes I find little pieces of papier on which I have jotted down quotes, but not their respective owners. Here are some orphaned quotes:

"Ah! You wrecked Billy!"
"Let's pretend we're in Vertical Limit or something...AAAUGH!"
"People always take advantage of me when I'm sitting down."
"Because you're magic, Harry!"
"I'm going to massacre everybody then burn down the village! Remember kids, always brush your teeth!"
"Neil Buchanan is the Crocodile Hunter of art."
"I'm spending money! Who wants my commission?!"
"Maybe Shakespeare wasn't a summer person. This woman could have been horribly ugly..."

AND THEN THERE WERE THE CONVERSATIONS, IMPERSONALS, and the bloody BRIT.

THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME