Lau's Schemes

I probably shouldn't be telling you all of this, but once I get started in my plans, I'll be unstoppable anyways.

And this is how I am going to do it:

1. Make a crapload of money, through the lottery and investments, or find a big-ass treasure chest.
2. Buy a mountain from the government on the coast, proclaim it as an independent country, and name it GORBALD.
3. Build a wall around the base to keep those pesky Canadians out.
4. Personally select who may enter this mega cool place. If one is not cool enough to go into GORBALD, he or she may still be allowed to, if he or she asks nicely and gives me five billion dollars.
5. With all of that money, build a castle. The castle will include:
   • Nightly singing, dancing, and other gay activities
   • Jousting and swordplay every day, twice on Sundays
   • A cinema playing mostly Kevin Smith movies
   • Whatever else I can get my hands on
6. Open up a clothing line that costs millions
7. Stand outside the U.N. and make faces.
8. Take over the world:
   • Invade Canada, then take Greenland and Alaska, name them all GORBALD.
   • Make my people realise that I am bigger and better than their previous leaders.
   • Take Denmark, Poland, Germany, France and Belgium in one fell swoop.
   • Carefully adopt Sweden (they're smart little buggers), then Switzerland.
   • Take Britain and the U.S. simultaniously.
   • Eventually inherit the rest of the world, then proclaim myself CAESAR of the Earth, which I will rename GORBALD.
9. Give Bolivia to my brother Ken, who will name it HALDOR, and he will become THROTHGAR AND HIS BAND OF MRIAOCS
10. Build a wall around North Dakota, and make it my jail. Anybody who commits any crime will be sent to North Dakota and may never come out.
11. Set up an annual witch hunt.
    • Any suspected witch will be weighed to see if she weighs the same as a duck
    • If so, she will not be burned (as that is bad for the environment), she will be sent to North Dakota
    • The annual warlock hunt will commence the long weekend after, and will proceed the same way
    • A convicted witch or warlock may get out of his or her plight if he or she asks nicely and gives me five billion dollars
12. To solve disputes, a great Lineup will be formed leading to my castle.
    • Anybody with a complaint, problem, question, suggestion, comment or concern needs only to line up
    • I will personally see to everybody
    • Budgers will be sent to the back of the line, even if they had already finished telling me their issue. They will have to go all the way to the front and then tell me that their problem is that they were sent to the back of the line. I will tell them that they're at the front of the line now, so Hallelujah Alakazam I'm a miracle worker
    • If my peasants start a revolt, I will calmly tell them that they had their chance, and then proceed to TAKE THEM DOWN
13. Reintroduce the feudal system, but call it the seignuerial system just to confuse people.
14. Eliminate all tax, except make a new one on chicken. One dollar for every chicken owned, egg laid, and box of popcorn chicken sold, etc. Violators will be sent to North Dakota.
15. When North Dakota runs out of room, Manitoba will be the new open-air prison.