JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA
1997 Warner Bros. Pilot a made for TV movie
After the disaster that was "Batman and Robin", DC Comics tried to regain face
with a live-action television pilot of their popular super team, the Justice
League of America. Unfortunately, the finished product only made matters worse
and was quickly shelved, never to see the light of day. But eBay shoppers and
convention attendees can easily obtain this failed effort, and at the very least
satisfy any curiosity about how the team looks in flesh and blood.
The Justice League of America pilot, was so awful, it was locked away, never to
be seen by mortal eyes. Fortunately for us bootlegs of this pilot for a t.v.
show that never happened are available at most comic book conventions, and it
represents an important piece of comic book history.
The main plot is that New Metro City is being terrorized by the evil Weatherman.
Luckily, the city is protected by a group of people so heroic, they don't
realize how terribly lame they look in their uniforms (well, heroic or stupid).
The heroes, the Justice League of America (although they only protect Metro City
and seem to completely ignore the rest of the country) are just normal joes,
trying to live their lives as normal people until the need to dress up and use
bad special effects arises.
The citizens of New Metro live under the protection of several powerful heroes:
Martian Manhunter, The Flash, Green Lantern, Fire, and Captain Atom. Our heroes
are needed when a mysterious super villain known as the Weatherman (Miguel
Ferrer) attacks the city using meteorological means. Can the team stop the
villain in time, all the while helping a woman to discover that she has super
powers of her own?
Credit should be given to David Ogden Stiers and Miguel Ferrer, as Martian
Manhunter and The Weatherman, respectively. As veteran actors, they know a
turkey when they see one, but it never dawns on them to phone in their
performances. Both are excellent in a show that simply doesn't warrant such
excellence, and their work ethic should be applauded. The rest of the cast just
meanders through their roles, delivering lines blandly and without enthusiasm.
Superheroes ought to inspire excitement, but this team is so dull they only
inspire drowsiness.
The script credited to Lorne Cameron and David Hoselton is poorly written and
frequently borders on the absurd. TV pilots are supposed to showcase the show's
strengths in order to attract new viewers, but if this is the best they can come
up with you'd shudder to think what subsequent episodes would have been like.
The writers also manage to emasculate the heroes, forcing them to recite
wince-inducing dialogue.
Helmer Felix Enriquez Alcala doesn't contribute much either; he seems to have
realized he was in charge of a sinking ship and didn't see much point in
expending any effort. He does the bare minimum, moving the production from one
scene to another, but any attempts to quicken the pace or add any visual
flourishes are absent. Film director Lewis Teague also tried to lend a hand, but
couldn't find a way to salvage things and wisely requested to remain
unaccredited.
Great special effects and costumes can mask a multitude of sins in a bad comic
book film. Too bad "Justice League of America" doesn't have either of those. The
effects by Digital Magic and Vision Crew Unlimited are amateurish and hardly
believable. The costumes are equally bad, looking like something the producer's
Mom made in an effort to save money. It's sad to see that while the show lacks
any substance, the producers cared so little they couldn't even be bothered to
add any style.
There really aren't enough words in the English language to express just how bad
"Justice League of America" is. It joins "Catwoman" and the aforementioned
fourth "Batman" film in the pantheon of trauma-inducing efforts. Although the
CBS network, horror stricken at what they created, shelved this pilot, it is
still available on eBay and at comic book conventions. Only the most curious or
die-hard comic fans should consider purchasing this.
Be warned: no matter how low a price you pay, you've paid too much.
A friend wrote me this:
I finally got a copy of the pilot CBS made for the live action JLA show... And
wow how awful that piece of crap is. It's hilarious, and it's not supposed to
be. They even randomly added new characters to it. The special effects even suck
for '97... Seriously, it made Lois and Clark's special effects look like War of
the Worlds.
Another review:
Justice League of America: Proof that if there were superheroes in the world, we
wouldn't be able to stop laughing at them.
Dear God. I really want to know what's going through the heads of the people who
pitch these shows. Really. The facts: In 1997, CBS had a pilot for a show called
"Justice League of America" put together. Just in case you're completely
geek-deficient, the Justice League was an organization of most of DC Comics'
strongest characters mixed in with some of their most lame. Sure, Batman,
Superman, and Wonder Woman are on the roster (hopefully, you've at least heard
of THEM). Yet also on the roster are Vibe, Power Girl, Booster Gold, & Gypsy. If
your response is "WHO???" then you're a normal, well-adjusted human being who
was lucky enough to not read too many comics. The Justice League of America show
decided to walk the middle ground: featuring superheroes that there was no way
in hell for a normal person to know about AND characters that you might have
heard about. The Flash & Green Lantern are the most recognizable members. After
that, you've got The Atom, Fire, & Ice. Fire AND Ice? Isn't that clever? :sigh:
I've got more to say but I think the best way to explain this particular
trainwreck is to just inform you of what I've learned by watching this.
Lesson #1: Mascara does NOT count as a costume.
Saying the costumes are terrible in this show is a bit of an understatement.
You'll see them as this article unfolds, but look up at "Fire" there. What is it
about the DC universe that makes people so easily confused by retarded costumes?
Clark Kent just has to take off his glasses to look like Superman....apparently
Fire just has to put her hair in a scrunchie and lather her face in mascara to
completely fool everyone. What's even funnier is how Fire's earrings give away
her secret identity at one point....but not the fact that she's not wearing a
disguise of any sort. Man.
Lesson #2: Do NOT base your superhero show on reality television (or FRIENDS for
that matter).
What do I mean by this? The show Justice League of America is about
superheroes....and their daily lives. A lot of people have said that this show
tried to be like Friends, and while I don't know if that's true, I do know that
the show does have a lot to do with MTV's old show The Real World. As the
episode progresses, we the audience keep getting exposed to these weird
interview clips with the characters telling us how they felt at the moment or
something like that. This brings up the major flaw of the show.
Justice League of America is NOT about action. It's not really about
superheroes. It IS about their daily lives. Over the course of the episode, you
get to watch how the Green Lantern can't keep a girlfriend, how The Flash can't
keep a job, & how desperate Fire is to get an acting career. There's even a
sequence revolving around how they can't fix their television. The actual story
of the pilot seems to circle around Ice, or namely, this woman who gets
superpowers and gets invited to join the League but doesn't have faith in
herself, and, well, pretty much plays the squeaky shy mouse of a girl for an
hour and half. The show is played for laughs. This is a bad move, mainly because
it's not that funny. So yeah, this show's a sitcom with people wearing rubber
suits.
Fire dressed as a banana! How could this not be comedy gold?
There's also a weird subplot about how Fire is getting stalked by a 22-year-old.
She calls his age ridiculous and says he's way too young and immature for her
(Fire's age isn't mentioned but she looks to be in her late twenties). What's
kind of interesting here is that they kind of go out of their way to make people
that are 22 seem retardedly young. Of course, by young, they mean goofy and
stupid. Which is sort of a bad move. I mean, if you make a television show
that's based off superheroes with goofy powers and bad costumes, who do you
think is going to watch it? It's sort of like if the show "The Price is Right"
changed their theme to include the lyrics "Screw You Old People, Hurry up and
Die". I guess what I'm saying is, if you're going to make a show targeting a
specific demographic, don't go out of your way to make that demographic look
bad. Think I'm exaggerating? How many 22-year-olds treat their local ice cream
truck driver like a bartender as they down ice cream to drown their sorrows?
Sorry, I'm sort of bitter. Let's move on.
Lesson #3: If your group has a mentor, do NOT choose the tubby fat alien.
John Jones (spelled J'on J'onzz, you know, because he's a Martian) is the
psychic shape-changing alien who's the Yoda of the group. The less said about
him the better. Suffice to say there's a chubby fat bitch of a green alien
training and giving orders to the Justice League.
Lesson #4: Heroes do NOT threaten to dismember the bad guy with a chainsaw.
The Green Lantern has a magic ring that can create any object that he wants.
Over the course of the show he creates a whip, a helicopter, a key, an umbrella,
and a freaking CHAINSAW. When the Weatherman (don't ask...there's a rogue
meteorologist running around creating tidal waves and hurricanes all over the
place) won't give up his "weather control device," the Green Lantern pulls a
chainsaw out of his ring and starts waving it around at him. Jesus. I thought
the good guys weren't allowed to threaten to disembowel people with industrial
equipment. Guess I was wrong.
By the by, you might have noticed that the Green Lantern....isn't green. Since
the character Fire's costume is green (because we all know that fire is best
denoted by the color green), the Green Lantern is technically the Teal Lantern.
Wow. You'd think that if you had a hero with a color in his name, they wouldn't
screw with that particular part. Lame.
Lesson #5: The Atom sucks.
If I got superpowers and the only thing I could do was to shrink myself, I'd
feel profoundly ripped off. It's got to suck having a costume that makes him
look like some sort of chunky He-man action figure (and the power to make
himself the same size as a chunky he-man action figure). Also note how The Atom
is riding on Fire's shoulder in that second picture. So very lame. But not as
lame as how the show introduces Atom's powers. You see, there's an evil
hurricane plaguing the city and all the heroes are out saving the day. The Flash
creates counterwind to stop it, Fire frees some trapped construction workers,
and the Green Lantern saves a child from being crushed. What does the Atom do?
The Atom helps an old lady who's cat is stuck under her porch.
Let's ignore how this is a terrible special effect. Let's focus more on the fact
that while everyone's out saving the day, the Atom is prowling around a suburban
neighborhood desperately searching for someone that needs the help of a man who
can shrink. Jesus Christ, how often is that going to be necessary? "OH NO, I
dropped by pencil behind the fridge!" The Atom: "I'll save you!" My pet theory
is that this old lady with her cat was actually bribed by the other members of
the League so that the Atom could have something to do. Oh yeah, and there's one
more thing:
I can't believe there's actually a scene where the Atom limbos under a security
beam. In fact, I'd like to think it never happened.
Lesson #6: Don't trust the Flash with your kids.
When a Tidal Wave of Doom is coming to the city, the Flash starts offering kids
"piggyback rides to freedom". If you looked outside your window and saw a man in
a red spandex/leather suit carrying off your kids, what the hell would you
think? It also doesn't help that the Flash apparently is really good at watching
people from the bushes....which is kind of impressive, since a candy apple red
spandex suit isn't exactly what I'd call "camouflage."
I don't really know what else to say about the torture that I had to put up with
to watch this. I've been on a "superhero" movie kick lately, and, well, I
couldn't resist sharing what I saw here with you. Keep in mind that while this
review has LOTS of pictures of people in costumes, know that for about 90% of
the show, no one's in a costume doing anything. It's a whole lot of nothing
revolving around getting a job and keeping a girlfriend while saving the earth.
Of course, while this is going on, the Atom just can't stop bragging about that
cat he pulled out from beneath the porch. There's a lot of talk online about why
this show wasn't produced, ranging from "OMG THEY DIDN'T FOLLOW THE COMIC BOOKS
AT ALL" to "WHY DIDN'T THEY USE THE WALLY WEST FLASH INSTEAD OF THE BARRY ALLEN
ONE?" So yes, only the most hardcore of the geeks care. I think this wasn't made
into a show because it just wasn't that good. Like, at ALL. Sorry, comic book
fans.
The Characters:
Ice/Tori Olafsdotter - Woman who gets Ice powers by spilling dried ice and
water, um, I mean chemicals all over her. In the comics Ice is dead. (Which is
strange 'cause the unwritten rule is only Bucky stays dead.) Too bad this ain't
comics.
Flash/Barry Allen - A super speedster superhero loser who always almost gives
away his identity but luckily for him everyone in the movie is stupid. In the
comics he was intelligent and bravely sacrificed his life to save the multiverse.
(Also still dead. It would have ruined the story otherwise.) Here he is the poor
man's Woody Harrelson.
Green Lantern/Guy Gardner - In the comics he was one of the stupidest
character's and was once thankfully knocked out by Batman in one punch. (Guy
started it.) Here he's the coolest member, but I use the term loosely here. His
ring can make any object he imagines except it's green. (And he keeps using lame
stuff here too.)
Fire/B.B. DeCosta - Has pyrotechnic powers and is a struggling actress. I think
I know why. I think she's dead in comics too.
The Atom/Ray Palmer - In the comics he is described as "the world's coolest
professor." Here he's the Urkel of heroes.
Martian Manhunter/J'onn J'onzz - Founder of the League. I wish they'd stop
turning these cool characters crappy!
Weather Man/Prof. Eno - Lame knock off of the Weather Wizard. (Who wasn't that
great anyway.) His costume looks like a chrome surgeon and talks like a panicky
Darth Vader. I keep expecting him to say: "Luke... I am your Doctor." (GROAN.)
Defeated by Juicy Fruit. Makes sense.
Martin: Creepy stalker guy.
The Plot:
JLA writer Mark Waid (Not half as weird as JLA writer Grant Morrison.) once
called this unreleased TV pilot "80 minutes of his life he'll never get back."
Well said. The story: some geek called the Weather Man (Weather Wizard was a bad
name, but at least a Wizard is more threatening than a guy in front of a weather
map.) is threatening New Metro (The poor man's Metropolis.) with cloudy weather,
but his weather is defeated by the Justice League (Who wear costumes that Joel
Schumacher would laugh at.) who don't really need civilian identities 'cause
they don't have non-hero friends. Soon they discover a young woman who freezes
everything she touches and can't control her power. (How come her clothes and
purse don't freeze?) The JLA is planning to let her join after they decide she
isn't the Weather Man (I thought her being a woman would give that away.) and
introduce her to the Martian Manhuter (Who claims Mars is much hotter than
Earth. Either that or he's not from Mars. But then why the name? AAARRRGGGHHH.)
and there's a subplot about a stalker. They beat the bad guy, but he's already
escaping (Shouldn't the cops look him over for weapons?) and Ice freezes a tidal
wave. There are interviews with the characters between scenes to remind us they
are people too. (Or to remind you this sucks. One of the 2.) Thank God it never
made it to TV.
Things I learned from the film:
- Heroes steal invitations, sneak into builldings and kidnap people.
- Heroes watch "Touched By An Angel.&qquot;
- Every mechanical problem can be solved byy gum.
- Heroes aren't afraid of using their powerrs in public.
- Mars is very hot.
- Earrings are the only sure way to figure out secret identities. Forget build,
face, voice, haircut etc.
-When a wall falls pyrotechnics go off.
- Walls are put up before construction frammes.
- The ill tempered and ominous guy is neverr the villain.
Stuff to watch for:
3 mins - Does the Flash have a pager in his ear? There's a beeping sound and he
touches his ear.
4 mins - That's the Weather Man? Looks like a surgeon performing in Vegas!
6 mins - Those are some intimidating violinists.
7 mins - Really bad joke: girl in a banana costume says she's "Gotta split"
8 mins - Despite being caught in a hurricane that kid seems happy.
9 mins - A wall falls and completely unexplained pyrotechnics go off.
10 mins - During the Hurricane the Atom uses his power to get a cat from under a
house. Aren't there people to save? Isn't a cat safer under a house than outside
during a hurricane?
16 mins - After Flash cleans his house and makes him diner Guy says he doesn't
know what to think. How about "Thank you" you jerk.
17 mins - Angry red herring suspect. Just like on Scooby Doo.
21 mins - RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A ROLLERSKATER!
22 mins - Gum fixes TV. (Plot point.)
26 mins - Flash delivers mail. Reminds me of that mailman joke from Double
Dragon.
29 mins - This guy's creepy! He's stalking you!
32 mins - Very fake Hail
36 mins - GL just stole something! Flash, out of costume, uses his speed power
and no one notices!
43 mins - Was that limbo under the infrared light necessary?
55 mins - The guy's a stalker! Get a clue!
59 mins - Underwater Spaceship base! It's like watching Seaquest only it's more
annoying than that dolphin's voice.
61 mins - Wait, he scoured the universe for heroes and didn't stop at Earth
first? It's the nearest freaking planet to mars.
69 mins - HE'S A STALKER!
70 mins - So she figured out Fire's ID from the earrings? Is everyone stupid?
76 mins - Gum used to fix control panel. (Told ya.)
77 mins - 300 degrees is a beach day on Mars? Does Mars ever get that hot? There
are beaches on Mars? I doubt it!
83 mins - Cops didn't search him for weapons? They don't see him cutting through
the cuffs?
LINKS
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0118365/
http://xoomer.virgilio.it/amasoni2002/shl/dc/justice_league_of_america_(1997).htm
http://captain.custard.org/league/php/liveaction.php?mode=show&id=la37
http://www.oocities.org/TheTropics/1185/jla_pilot.html
http://www.revolutionsf.com/article.html?id=1311
http://www.cinefile.biz/jla.htm
http://www.oocities.org/sideorderofninjas/reviews/justiceleague.html
http://www.beyondhollywood.com/reviews/jla.htm#MOVIEPICS
http://www.cultdvdzone.com/view_product.php?product=JUSZ27Z56
http://www.ohthehumanity.com/review.php3?ID=416
http://www.headinjurytheater.com/article24.htm
http://quicksitebuilder.cnet.com/rob_63/id10.html
http://www.oocities.org/hkc4now/JLA.html
