Ray came over this afternoon.

He was sitting on the couch and I was in the bathroom drying my hair. He said that he was thinking about going home to Israel for a month or two to visit his family.

we'd get married there and come back here to live he explained.

He came over a few minutes ago and brought it up again.

I told him that he didn't want to marry me. "why not?" he said.

He waited patiently playing with a flashlight as I sat across from him, tears pouring down my face. Finally I said, "because I don't want to marry a man who doesn't love me."

"Who's to say I don't."

He told me at the beginning of our relationship not to fall in love with him because he'll have to go back home and didn't want to hurt me. I've never asked him if he loves me, even though he's asked me that question several times. I was so tempted to ask him.

But I didn't.

I didn't want to hear the answer. Postive or negative, truth or lie, I didn't want to hear it.

"Do you love me?" he asked

"You told me not to."

"Do you love me?" he asked again

"You told me not to."

"Do you love me?"

"I don't know. I care very much for you. I care that you miss your family."

but do I love him?.... I don't know, I've never been in love before. Thought I was, but they weren't healthy relationships, never were, no matter how much I tried to convince myself otherwise.