mood poems

I'm tired.
Not I just finished a 48-hour-long enduring, grueling triathlon, including, swimming, biking, and running tired.
Not I'm off of my one day fast and I've just finished a seven-course feast of all my favorite dishes and treats tired.
Not I haven't slept in over 52 hours because I was catching up on a truckload of reading, reports that needed hours of research, and never-ending math computation problems tired.
But just discouraging tired.
Tired because I thought I had my whole life planned out; become a pediatrician, get married, have a family, live happily ever after, but now I have no idea what I'm going to do.
Tired because I try to grasp every calling of possibility, because I want to be the kind of person that is capable of doing everything in life and is still looks composed and well-put-together, but sooner or later I fail in the process.
Tired because there is a constant battle, kind of like Star Wars, basically a fight between the good and the evil, going on in my head and it feels like if I don't end the battle soon my head will just burst into a million pieces staining everything around me for an eternity.

I'm great.
Not I just won the ultimate jackpot lottery and now I can buy the things my family needs and has wished for all these years great.
Not I'm finally getting all this Chemistry stuff after a semester full of anxiety and frustration because I thought I knew the chapter well, but apparently didn't, great.
Not Summer's coming and no more school and I don't have to get up early in the morning because I have to go to band and stay up late because I have to cram reading for a book review, great.
But just peaceful great.
Great because despite my busy life, full of music, drama, class, and church activities, I've managed to stay in once piece.
Great because I have now realized that I can and have made an impact on people whom I don't know that well, but God has led them to me because He knows that I'll be able to help them.
Great because God has kept me humble and has blessed me with people who love and accept me, for me, in spite of my flaws, my weaknesses, and my insecurities.

I'm scared.
Not I can't look down because I'm acrophobic and if I look down, it'll only make matters worst and I might get dizzy and just fall towards my impending doom scared.
Not I don't want to go home because I was caught shop-lifting and I don't want to get the I'm-very-disappointed-you-have-to-be-a-good-example-people-are-watching-all-the time lecture scared.
Not I refuse to walk outside where there are people who do drugs, kidnapping, murdering innocent children, like me, scared.
But just scared of what's to come.
Scared because I'm afraid of losing the people I love most, even though I've taken them for granted all these years by just going ahead and doing my "own thing."
Scared because I don't know if I'll survive college, let alone the rest of high school, since I barely made it through this year.
Scared because I can't tell if the voices in my head are good or bad and I get easily confused because I am unable to clear my thoughts and focus on what's being said to me..

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