Car trouble||Close examination||Cynic's Approach to Love||Deduction||Distressed||Kisses in The Dark
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My wife came home yesterday and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is." I asked her what it was and she told me it has water in the carburetor.
I thought for a moment, then said, "You know I don't mean this badly, but you don't know the carburetor from the accelerator."
"No, there's definitely water in the carburetor" she insisted.
"OK, Honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?"
"In the lake."
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A: In this scene, a lawyer cross examines a doctor about a victim's death.
Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No"
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No"
Q: "So then it is possible the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No"
Q: "How can you be so sure, doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient still have been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
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If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it orgave birth to it!
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Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip.
They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?
"Well, I see thousands of stars."
"And what does that mean to you?"
"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. Whatdoes it mean to you, Holmes?" "To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically the blonde screams back at the husband, "Shut up! You're next!"
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There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.
Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.
The Englishman was thinking: "The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead."Claudia Schiffer was thinking: "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it."
And the Irishman was thinking: "This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English bastard again."