Domestic violence is a sad and silent crime, affecting adults and children. Statistics say that one in three women are the subject of this crime, and half of those die as a result. Many women suffer in silence without talking about it, even denying it, and others don't want to know. It is about power, control and authority. It destroys your self-esteem, self-confidence, your soul and your spirit - sometimes it costs a life...don't let it be your's!
Disagreements develop from time to time in relationships. Domestic violence is not a disagreement. It encompasses a wide range of acts committed by one partner against another in an intimate relationship. This may occur in a variety of relationships: married, separated, divorced, dating etc. Violence of a particularly injurious nature is primarily perpetrated by men against women, though there are cases where men have been abused both physically and emotionally by their partners.
Domestic violence, or abuse, is a pattern of behaviours, some causing physical injury, others not, some criminal, others not, but all psychologically damaging. Frequently, domestic abuse includes threats of violence, threats of suicide, or threats to take children from the abused person. It may also include breaking objects, hurting pets, yelling, driving recklessly to endanger or scare the abused person, isolating family members from others, and controlling resources like money, vehicles, credit, and time.
The goal of an abusive person is to establish and maintain control over his or her partner. Domestic violence is a learned pattern of behaviour whose effects, without intervention, become more destructive and sometimes lethal over time.
Never think his violence is your fault.
Domestic violence is a crime.
Abuse Doesn't have to be Violent
Domestic abuse is not only "violent", but can be emotional and mental as well ~ and just as damaging to the soul. It leaves scars long after the bruises have healed that can take years of recovery. And for the victim, it is a very lonely experience. Other forms of emotional abuse can include:-
* Controlling your money
* locking you in or out of the house
* disconnecting the phone
* making you think you are crazy
* calling you names
* making you feel degraded and alone
** To see the many other forms of abuse, please visit my pages on "Types of Abuse" and also "Symptoms of Abuse".
Why is he violent?
There are many ideas on how and why violence occurs in marriage and relationships. Particularly when the abuser can be loving at other times. So maybe it's the victim's fault? NO! That is what he wants you to think, and in most cases he wants you to believe that you caused it by provokation. Never blame yourself for his violence. Only he is responsible for his actions. A man is will almost never be abusive toward his family, friends, boss, co-workers or others....yet he chooses to be violent toward his wife/partner (or even child). The key word here is CHOICE. He can choose to control his violence ....or not ~ and in that case, HE is responsible.
* he has had a dysfunctional childhood
* he is too stressed ~ at work or financially
* he drinks too much
* he is not good at expressing how he feels
* too much is expected of him
* he can't control his anger
* something about you drives him to violence
These are excuses. HE is responsible for his actions ~ not you. And there is never an excuse for domestic violence.
Sexual Abuse in Marriage
Many think that it is your "duty" as a married woman to have sex with your husband whenever he likes, regardless of whether you feel "like it". Chances are, if he has degraded you in any way during the day, the last thing you feel like doing is "making love" to him. My ex-husband used to tell me that it was a sin if we didn't have sex at least four or five times a week! The fact remains, if a woman says NO she means "no", whether married or not. Rape DOES occur in marriages, and most go unreported due to the belief that it is the "marital duty".
In the state of Victoria, rape in a marriage IS a crime. If the victim says "no" and doesn't want to, then any further force is "sexual abuse" and considered criminal.
Statistics on Domestic Violence
Here in Australia, between one in three to one in ten, adult women experience at least one episode of domestic abuse, with 4% of relationships experiencing ongoing chronic violence. Sadly, 46% of all female homicide victims are killed by their spouse. With over 70% of Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander women victims of assault by their husbands or boyfriends, a high percentage of Aboriginal women gaoled are in gaol for killing their abusers. For more statistical information, visit Australian Statistics on Domestic Violence (DVIRC).
I'm A Survivor Too
I am a survivor of domestic abuse ~ I know the pain, the hurt, the humiliation and the worthlessness. I know the excuses, the silence and the "brave front" for others. I know the loneliness when it seems no one understands or can help. I know the fear ~ of living with the torment and the vioolence, and the fear of what would happen if you leave. I know the emptiness, and the lack of self-confidence and self-esteem. I know how it feels like you're nothing. And I know how you think that it will get better, and how it feels when it doesn't. I know what it feels like, I know how difficult it is ~ especially the decision to leave for good.
I KNOW, and so do many others, because we have lived it.
What To Do
Domestic abuse IS a crime! Please help stop it.
If you are in an abusive situation, please leave - there are women's refuges and crisis centres throughout your country and city.
* Plan your escape, so you will be ready to leave ~ keeping in mind you may have to leave in a hurry
* Keep essential things prepared that you will need ~ money, health records, first aid kit, address book, Restraining Order of Protection, memorise phone numbers of refuges and helpline make sure you know your legal rights.
* Talk to someone professionally or a support group ~ there is alot of damage that he has done to your mind, and there are others who know exaclty what you are going through
NEVER be ashamed or blame yourself
* When times get tough and thoughts of going back to your abuser seem the easiest thing to do, remember no matter how wonderful they sound on the phone or in letters, there will be retribution for your leaving in the first place.
* Believe that you are a good person and you deserve better ~ never stop believing in yourself. |
No one deserves to be abused, to be humiliated or to be made to feel completely worthless! No one is a punching bag. We all have the right to freedom to be ourselves, and no one deserves to be treated abusively or unfairly. Control ~ that's what it is about....and we can control our own lives by leaving the situation. If you are in one, YOU CAN do it. I did.
This candle burns for all those who are or have been
victims of domestic abuse ~
it will continue to burn until the abuse ends
PLEASE NOTE:
I do not claim to be an expert, nor am I a psychologist or
social worker - I am a survivor, and I know what it was
to be a victim.
