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回應本主題
作者: 子琴
留言時間：2001/04/30 09:34 Top 上一篇 下一篇 Bottom
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幾年前，澳洲家庭法院修改兒童有關的法律，將以前的”監護權”觀念修改為”撫養權”，並強調是”撫養責任”而非”撫養權利”。這項改變旨在教育為人父母：孩子不是物品，愛孩子不是佔有他，而是對他盡父母的責任。
我看過很多父母在離婚時爭取孩子，都抱著像在爭取”物品所有權”的態度在爭取。所有權的觀念就是佔有，跟撫養責任大異其趣。
在我自己離婚爭取孩子的過程中，聽到太多這類所有權觀念的錯誤意見。許多朋友出自好意，勸我說：”別爭了!你把孩子給他，他就會把扣住你的錢還給你。把錢拿回來比較重要!孩子是你生的，永遠也是你的!”或者說”你已經有兩個孩子了，他一個也沒有，還是把這個孩子給他吧!” "
等到澳洲法院將撫養權判給我以後，又聽到類似錯誤的觀念：”都判給你了，他那樣無情無義，為什麼還要給他看孩子？”
而在聽說孩子的爹連孩子的撫養費都不肯付時，很多人都立即打抱不平說：”那幹嘛還給他看孩子？別給他看了!!”
但是我卻不這樣認為。澳洲法院也教育作父母的：養育孩子應該以孩子的利益為前提，而不是以父母的利益為前提。父母之間的爭執若無法避免，起碼盡量不要影響孩子的權益。孩子有權利接觸父親根母親，這不是擁有撫養權的一方可以憑一己之好惡去禁止的。
因此，我總是鼓勵孩子多跟她父親接觸。不過，閒話又來了，我朋友向我轉述：”他跟我們說，你就是要拿孩子來跟他要錢。”這種錯誤的假設又是將孩子物品化，工具化，令我不敢茍同。於是，我尊重孩子的感覺，有時孩子不想見父親的時候，我也尊重她的決定，不再責備她。
讓孩子跟父母雙方都維持良好關係，對孩子最好。而且千萬不要讓孩子覺得自己是父母需索對方的工具，這對孩子心理傷害很大。澳洲法院在判定孩子問題時的最重要原則就是---”孩子的最佳利益”。
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221 |
回應本主題
作者: Candy
留言時間：2001/04/30 15:29 Top 上一篇 下一篇 Bottom
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問題學生來自問題家庭,問題家庭造就了問題社會.我離婚已過八年,一直以為"只管往前走不必回頭看,因為曾走過的路只是為了走下條路而準備".但慢慢驚覺到,只要在婚姻的過程中留有下一代,就必然的要經常回頭望又必須更謹慎的踏出每一步.11頁217的明妙所寫~對於我自己~內容像是幫我寫的一般,確實!恩情易忘,仇恨長存.以醫學的觀點來說,仇恨會讓人體的免疫系統降低,對身體狀況的負面是糾纏不清的,放下愁恨才能在處理不良婚姻過程中踩贏第一步.臺灣的法律經過這麼許多年修訂,雖然對兩行平權及下一代的考慮有改善,但是阿!法官老的比年輕的多,男法官比女的多,拆人姻緣有損德的刻板觀念仍普片認知的社會大環境下,女人與小孩若無堅強的毅力,光是周邊人的口水就已淹死,還能有多少力氣爭所想要?我倒是建議有婚姻問題的當事人,若彼此已有溝通障礙,應尋求局外人共同探討,雖說多人多意見,但比一個人在死胡同轉不出來好!網上對談是相當有意義的,有這麼許多識與不識者來協助,分析又指導的,像是多了一大家族的人在旁為當事者加油打氣!不過,最終的決定者是當事人自己,只有自己最了解實情,也唯有自己可伴自己一生ㄛ!
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回應本主題
作者: 明妙
留言時間：2001/04/30 16:17 Top 上一篇 下一篇 Bottom
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非常激賞子琴如是論點.
我們冀望法律給予正義的支持, 但受害者常陷在痛苦的漩渦裡, 無法提供修法單位訊息, 使其在修法時能面面俱到. 既得利益者為了維護利益卯足力量爭取, 如此循環法律常常是無法給予受害者最佳的保障.
無論選擇離婚與否, 跳脫痛苦和怨恨的漩渦, 學習子琴轉化悲傷為力量; 參與修正婚姻相關法律, 造福後人, 如此有意義的人生必能快樂.
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回應本主題
作者: 子琴
留言時間：2001/05/02 00:56 Top 上一篇 下一篇 Bottom
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>>>女人與小孩若無堅強的毅力,光是周邊人的口水就已淹死,還能有多少力氣爭所想要?
真是一點也不錯!
不只在台灣,海外台僑圈也是如此.人言可畏!
唉! 這也是我希望結合"同病相憐"者,彼此鼓勵,彼此加油的原因.
大家加油!!
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224 |
回應本主題
作者: 子琴
留言時間：2001/05/03 11:17 Top 上一篇 下一篇 Bottom
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我朋友最近又有新狀況：
那名外遇第三者老是打電話到她公司及家裡說一些有的沒的，說我朋友的先生很愛她，要求我朋友放手，簽字離婚。
我朋友上次在先生來看小孩的時候跟他再提一次可以簽字離婚，但她先生仍是一個字不響，然後說了句：”別裡她！”
很顯然，我朋友的先生並不積極想跟外遇的那位結婚。(也可能他們誰都不願吃虧先離婚，都在等對方先離了自己才來考慮要不要離---這種例子也很常見)----但他可也沒說要跟我朋友重修舊好。
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回應本主題
作者: Elvis
留言時間：2001/05/03 20:36 Top 上一篇 下一篇 Bottom
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「莎莉」再接到第三者的電話的話，是不是該說，妳先離了，我先生就會簽字了？莎莉先生跟他的女友，兩個果然都是精明的生意人，也都是偏執的控制狂，外遇犯到這種女人，萬一懷孕了，莎莉老公就吃不完兜著走了，哈哈哈。
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回應本主題
作者: Elvis
留言時間：2001/05/03 20:44 Top 上一篇 下一篇 Bottom
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對不起，老編，控制不良，多送出一篇，請刪除。
我覺得，莎莉何必跟著人家起舞呢？縱然妳自己也想趕緊跟無情郎君切乾淨，可是，不要應第三者之逼而放啊，這不是趁了這種控制狂的意嗎？而今，第三者急了，就把球丟到她那裡去嘛，跟她說，妳一簽字離婚，我先生就會簽了──或是跟她說，我何必，妳要我離婚，我就離婚嗎？妳誰呀？妳能幫我爭取較好的財產分配嗎？小心我告妳妨害家庭兼精神騷擾──其實，我印象中，報端曾經披露，離婚官司裡，確實有第三者不耐枯候，電話糾纏，結果給法官判賠一筆精神賠償給元配的。
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回應本主題
作者: 子琴
留言時間：2001/05/05 09:08 Top 上一篇 下一篇 Bottom
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我朋友在考慮要不要告訴那女的先生(哈利)。
她說上次見面雙方說好要互通訊息的，但之後倒沒什麼聯絡了。
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回應本主題
作者: Amy
留言時間：2001/05/07 05:06 Top 上一篇 下一篇 Bottom
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A bunch of bulls.
I think that it is of no use for your friend to either contact Harry or to keep press her own husband for answer or relief because there is none. Obviously that both your friend's husband and his mistress are not having "fun" and that they are definitely not prepared to get into any legal proceeding regarding divorce. Therefore, instead of being bothered by all these phone calls and unnecessary harassment, I would advise your friend to actually think about what she is going to do with her unfaithful husband and her own life.
It is obviously that, except for your friend, none of the other members wants to or actually is capable of getting a divorce at this juncture. My prediction is that as long as this predicament persists, probably her husband's affair would come to an end sometimes down the road and he would probably craw back to her and his family, pretending nothing of this magnitude ever happened. It is hard to tell what he is really thinking at this point. Nevertheless, if he is a womanizer, this incident would not spell the end of her potential affairs.
And once a while the spark between him and that woman (or other woman) would ignite, but would not last for long. Actually these scenarios are not detrimental for your friend, given the fact that both her financial stability and the legal judgement in a divorce case in Taiwan are not in her favor. Nevertheless, what is of crucial importance is her expectation regarding her marriage and her family life.
I can't suggest that she would held this incident over her husband's head as another kind of Scarrlet's letter. The point is, from a positive and constructive perspective, how is she going to proceed her marriage if she could not bring a closure or making any sense out of this incident.
She needs to ask herself at this point that what is her expectation of family life. Can she survive without an unfaithful husband and a loving draught whom might not be able to live with her once she decides to divorce her husband? Can she survive social criticism and self-guilt? Can she back to the dating circle? So on and so forth.
And up to this point, we actually don’t quite know much about the psychological and mental status of your friend.
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回應本主題
作者: 子琴
留言時間：2001/05/08 10:07 Top 上一篇 下一篇 Bottom
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Amy and Elvis 的分析均極具啟發性。
可是too late....我朋友已去打電話給哈利告訴他此事，結果呢？後悔極了！(早點看到Amy的勸告就好了..ˊ︿ˋ)
哈利頗不耐煩，叫我朋友不要再騷擾他跟他太太，說：”妳跟妳先生不好是你們家的事，跟我太太無關。最好妳也能管好妳先生，叫他不要再繼續糾纏我太太！”
不知這名偉大的女人怎麼跟她先生洗腦的？居然可以將謊言編派得如此逼真？(聽說也是台大畢業的！)
我朋友又羞又窘！恨不得把那女人打給她的電話錄音下來，以示清白。被冤枉的滋味真不好受！
我嘆口氣告訴她：妳不是她的對手！
我朋友哭了！她很久沒哭了......
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回應本主題
作者: 明妙
留言時間：2001/05/10 06:33 Top 上一篇 下一篇 Bottom
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並非 Harry, 兵不厭詐.
知己知彼, 百戰百勝.
唯有心靜, 方生智慧.
恨毒會令人迷失.
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回應本主題
作者: 明妙
留言時間：2001/05/10 15:31 Top 上一篇 下一篇 Bottom
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請這位朋友不要哭, 妳只有失去一點點, 有捨才有得.
妳當慶幸在年輕時遭逢挫折, 人生還有那麼一大段, 將來妳反而因此懂得避開路上坑洞. 或許老公回頭金不換; 也有可能會有更好的第二春; 也或許恢復單身. 但妳將經此而增長智慧, 真是賽翁失馬焉知非福, 跨過此關, 柳暗花明又一村.
對著鏡子笑一笑, 抬頭挺胸走一走, 抹點芳香精油, 振奮精神, 妳會發現天外有天. 感情只是人生的一部份, 沒有了生命, 一切歸零.
為何妳這麼相信對方? 數年前, 為了幫助同學, 我打電話給”那一位”的助理:
「請轉告你的上司, 她如果對性事那麼需要, 請她重操舊業, 不要搶人家的先生」. ”那一位”抓狂地找同學老公鬧, 最後有太多可以鬧的, 新人不若故人姝,
同學老公現在是鑽石不換的另一半.
我呢? 年華老去, 喪失工作能力, 這時候老公外遇, 進一步設法要剝奪財產, 我簡直不知要如何活下去. 曾是那麼親密的伴侶, 可以仰賴的丈夫, 變成如此的陌生, 不能吐真言. 現在我這麼地需要他的扶持, 可是性慾如此的呼喚他離我遠去.
朋友說要這樣要那樣才有活路. 但只有自己最明瞭. 我的方法是在佛堂盡情地哭, 打開師父的音樂, 得到慰藉, 得到力量, 看書得到智慧. 用感恩的心再出發. 畢竟我尚未病入膏肓, 我還有眼睛可看, 有腳可以走, 有這麼多的親情和友情.
我還有理想待完成, 我反而生出堅強的意志力, 我要更努力活下去, 以前為孩子而活, 現在要為自己和老公而活, 我要讓他了解, 棺材是裝死人, 不管男女老幼, 有病或無病.
我也非坐以待斃, 我將尋求法律保障我的麵包, 就學潘勛之貼文, 好整以暇.
”那位” 可能期待我能早死, 等不及就只好擺出條件請我走路.
人生本是一場空.
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回應本主題
作者: Elvis
留言時間：2001/05/11 03:47 Top 上一篇 下一篇 Bottom
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莎莉實在是不懂「待人接物」的基本道理，最簡單的底線給她弄擰了，難怪可以給外面的女人跟她老公耍的團團轉，不必台大畢業，如果莎莉一直這樣糊塗下去，連她公司的工讀小妹都可以修理她。
要離要合，莎莉的對象都是她先生，難道今天那個女的說，我不愛你先生了，莎莉就要收回這根雞肋嗎？今天人家說你趕快放手，莎莉就趕緊跟先生商量，我們趕快離婚吧；或是，第三者的先生電告，欸，妳先生還是跟我太太在一起，莎莉又要大哭一場嗎？還是想清楚，堅定跨出第一步，甩掉別人夫妻，告訴那個準前夫，這個婚姻我受夠了，證書在此，趕緊簽字。失去金錢、房子，又怎麼樣，像明妙說的，還年輕，轉身就又是一條好漢，即使不年輕，只要想從頭開始，柳暗花明，又有誰知道呢？
最近才讀到一個太太為了子女，死守婚姻的故事，苦哇，而且最後也失去子女的尊敬，因為老爸踐踏老媽，老媽又委屈吞忍，家裡烏煙瘴氣，莎莉不想步上這樣後塵，婚姻守不住了，就趕緊善終吧。準前夫多行不義必自斃，莎莉到時候不要又哭哭啼啼的借錢給他就好。
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回應本主題
作者: 子琴
留言時間：2001/05/13 20:57 Top 上一篇 下一篇 Bottom
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我朋友正在裝電話錄音，她說要蒐證，不論是為表明自己清白
或為了將來申請判決離婚之用....
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回應本主題
作者: Amy
留言時間：2001/05/14 05:19 Top 上一篇 下一篇 Bottom
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Today is "Mother's Day". Umm, Mother's Day. What is the difference between a "good" mother and a "responsible" mother?
Couple of years ago, Christine, the then Chair of my department, held a annual party in her mansion. She was a widely respected public policy expert on school desegregation and her hubby was a "invisible man", in her eyes. He cooked, he cleaned, and, in fact, he was a famous architect. The reason why Christine perceived him as a "nobody" was actually stemmed from the fact that his introvert personality, in her views, could not compliment her social and academic presence. In other words, although they lived under the same roof, they did actually belong to two different worlds.
During the party, I heard repetitively that Chris said " I love you" to her daughters. In the end of the party, everybody chewed down all the gourmet food that her hubby prepared and congratulated him on his hospitality, Chris approached him, whispering a gentle "thank you" in his ear and walked away.
Two days later, rumors had it that they had filed divorce and when I saw her down the hall way, she looked "relieved." My curiosity forced me to confront her head on, asking explanation for the sudden decision. She sat me down and said in her usual ton, "Amy, you know I love my daughters, although I never feed them because I don't know how to cook like their dad, clean the house like their dad and be their for them like their dad."
She said," My husband is a decent person. But you know something? The day when my daughters came to me, asking why dad and mom were so psychological distanced from each other. I knew that it was time to get our divorce underway so that my daughters would understand that divorce happens to nice people too." She said," we are from very different environments. We have tried to work our differences out. It just happens that the result is not what we had expected all these years.”
When she walked me out of her office, she said “ You know, I might not be a “good” mother in a conventional sense that mother is the who feeds you when you are hungry; clothes you when you are cold; cuddles you when you are sad. But I am definitely a “responsible” one. And my girls will remember that.”
After so many years, I still remember the importance of being a responsible mother when things do turn south.
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回應本主題
作者: 平埔族人
留言時間：2001/05/17 10:27 Top 上一篇 下一篇 Bottom
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我的看法是
問孩子
由孩子投票
如果孩子還小
忍耐
等孩子長大
再問
問了就按此辦理
誰也不要有話說
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回應本主題
作者: 明妙
留言時間：2001/05/17 15:38 Top 上一篇 下一篇 Bottom
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「我們不應由逆境的障礙來阻礙或支配我們。」
由於社會倫理的變遷, 會讓我們無法堅持某些理想. 一失足成千骨恨, 用包容的心出發, 會讓我們愉快一點. 忍耐也要有智慧, 否則會鬱抑成疾, 而離婚並不等於遠離煩惱. 為追求理想必須慎重規劃, 然後無怨無悔, 努力以赴. 魚與熊掌不可兼得, 有得必有失. 我曾浪擲青春於爭取離婚, 不肯妥協. 因為我全心充滿怨恨, 因此喪失理智, 沒有智慧, 自食苦果.
前些日子, 我總是病奄奄地躺在沙發上, 最後我鼓起精神, 變換髮型, 將唇上色, 穿上亮麗衣裳, 對鏡一笑, 頂著陽光出門, 欣賞街景, 旁眼看看人間汲汲營營百態, 發現, 我們可以從容不迫, 快樂面對人生的.
雖然我尋求法律保障麵包, 但我只不過是要知己知彼, 瞭解手中的牌而已, 我不掀牌. 心中無恨是最大的保障. 所以現在我能夠輕鬆自在, 用心體會接觸大自然. 我不需要錄音或聘偵探, 我努力於心不為外境所轉.
我真的是從痛苦的婚姻覺醒的, 雖然這條路崎嶇難行, 但這種柳暗花明, 美不勝收的感覺是筆墨難容的. 真的是心胸舒暢.
老公離或不離婚, 我還是要照樣的過日子, 珍惜今天, 把握今朝. 以上是我學習了20年的心得, 盼以此分享.
祝福這位朋友早日走出陰霾.
另記:
母親節, 有位異性朋友, 刻意穿著, 灑了香水, 提了蛋糕來祝我: 母親節快樂, 第六感告訴我, 有問題, 果真沒錯. 告訴朋友, 我有受辱的感覺. 她說她已見多了,
太空家庭, 許多耐不住寂寞的男男女女, 或跳舞太過近距離的肢體接觸, 久了就成問題, 或世風日下…… 根據她的經驗, 女性通常比較把持不住, 因為有時無法堅持到底. 男性與女性的生理與心理又有差距, 婚姻是一門艱深的學問. 必須努力耕耘. 苦苓的書: 對不起, 老公借一下, 蠻可看的.
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回應本主題
作者: 明妙
留言時間：2001/05/18 02:44 Top 上一篇 下一篇 Bottom
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東西方女性皆不希望有外遇, 轉貼剪報:
Dear Ann Landers:
My first marriage ended because my husband cheated on me. I was furious with him and angry with the other woman for making herself available to him. Now that I have walked a mile in the other woman’s shoes, I see things differently. I became friendly with a married couple and discovered that her husband and I liked the same books, music, movies, and so on. We ended up having an affair. After that, I understood how easy it is for such a thing to happen.
I have some advice for the wives who read your column, and I hope they will listen. While your husband may be giving the best of himself to his girlfriend and leaving his socks on the floor for you to pick up, there is more to it than that. I am giving your husband the admiration and unconditional love he needs. He tells me he can’t impress you anymore. You see him as the bread-winner, the guy who does the yard work. I see him as my knight in shining armour.
We laugh over things you have no time for. I never ignore him because the baby is crying or the dishes need washing. He shares sorrows with me that he would never burden you with because you have so much other stuff to deal with. I don’t compare him to my sister’s husband who earns six figures, or my friend’s husband who just bought a beautiful four-bed-room house.
I think everything he does is wonderful. I don’t make him feel inadequate because of what he doesn’t have. To me, he is still sexy, even though he is older, grayer and has put on a few pounds. He doesn’t have to change anything about himself. I love him just the way he is.
Married women should remember that all males have fragile egos, and tearing them down accomplishes nothing. I build my man up, and he loves me. I am.
-The Other Woman in Wisconsin-
Dear Other Woman,
I hope the wives in my reading audience will pay close attention to what you have written. While I don’t approve of your affair, you have given my readers some real insight, which is more valuable than anything I might say. Thank you.
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