Funny as days turn into months and time turns into years I wonder the tales my life will leave. When I leave this life will you know the love that burns in me? As I kiss your sleepy son tonight I wondered and hoped he will know how much I loved his father. Out of the depths of my loneliness I search for the man I met. My fantasies of ending it all grow deeply within me everday. As dreams grow cold and my emotions are buried I walk on with life. I try to accept the harshest of realities...that it was just a silly fantasy of a lonely girl who thought you were everything any woman could want. But as much as I try to push it all away, memories of your smile, glimpses of your face, breathless images of the man I met haunt me every day. You see I met such a wonderful man, not a boy, but a man. A man who was loving, caring, and had the most beautiful soul. I couldn't help but watch you as you slept and wondered how or why or what you saw in this silly girl. I gave myself so completely to you. I wanted to share so much with you...because I believed so much in that man I met. I believe that he loved every part of me...even the parts i kept hidden from so many others out of shame and standards set by society that plagued my self-esteem. Once the beauty of such a connection touches you, you are never the same again. Sadley when you are told that connection isn't there or that the feeling is gone, secret parts of you die. The reality, the strength, the connection turns into a fantasy spun by a silly girl tainted with harsh colors as you wonder how life could be so cruel. How can fate twist and tease you like this. How can what I felt be only the fantasy of such a silly girl. You see the pain plagues you like a sin you cannot wash off. Your heart turns into blackened coal. Even as you try to go on to see if love is out there for you...you do not trust, you do not believe...
I am destined to die alone.
The connection I once felt has been turned into plain sexual simplicity that it turns my soul cold to think that I could have disgraces and deluded myselft in such a manner that I have shamed myself and become once again the doormat of an empty soul looking for love where there is none. I pray daily for god to take me out of this world because I haven't the courage to do it myself, nor do I want to inflict further shame and disgrace on my children. So many people try to say that I am special or that I am everything they have looked for all their lives...Yet this silly girl as she takes yet another wasted quest at happiness is looking over her shoulder looking back hoping to see the man she met...as she walks on with this life.
Oh how this silly girl wished she had kissed you goodbye one more time. |
