superkate: journal
supervic | superjen | supersar |
superkate
210701 » i don't think i like me
very much
listening to | augie march \
sunset studies
feeling | cheerier than i have been over the past
24 hours
eating | chocolate
10.58pm
(friday night)
do you have any idea how difficult it is to type
with gloves on?? no? well, it is fucking hard!
*takes them off* typing with numb fingers is
easier than typing with gloves on. and don't get
me started on how hard it is to type on a laptop
with gloves on! though, if i was using my laptop,
i would be in my warm bedroom, under my warm
dooner, and wouldn't need gloves. *sigh* i miss
my babay. yes, that is right, my puter is my
babay. no, that is not at all pathetic.
hmm, yes.... anywaaaaay...
i just got back from seeing briget jones' diary. i was right when i
thought it would cheer me up - it did a little.
you see, i have been rather down lately. boys,
this is where you are invited to skip the rest of
this entry. girls, grab some chocolate and
sympathise with me, would you?
basically, i don't like who i am very much
anymore. i am too fat, too ugly, too loud, drink
too much, swear too much and i don't think i am
anywhere near as intelligent as people try to
tell me i am. there are other faults too, but i
want to keep this to less than essay length. if i
was friends with me i think i would irritate the
shit out of myself! (not making sensage factor of
that sentence = high)
i guess i have lost a lot of confidence over the
past few years, and i think it all stems from how
i am going at uni.
in high school i was always the person to beat
when it came to pretty much everything except
languages (brodie was the one to beat there) and
english (kylie and megan were the ones who kicked
everyone's butt in that subject). but now...
well, i just can't be fucked.
when i started uni, i entered what i can probably
call my 'comfort zone.' i partied a lot and got
what work had to be done, done, and always with
minimal effort - and i still passed. so began a
trend, and three and a half years later nothing
has changed.
though i still pass all my subjects, i am not
happy with my marks. i am not content to have
people beat me. i'm not expecting to come 1st in
everything - that is impossible when i am
competing with a friend who will likely end up a
nobel prize winner. i guess i just feel a little
dumb. silly, huh? an engineer/mathematician
feeling dumb? i could probably do something about
it, i guess, but my confidence is at a point
where i'm not sure if it will make a difference.
because i have been a person who has always
relied on my intelligence more than anything
else, my intelligence has always gauged my
confidence in myself as a person. thus, it seems
like i have entered a dreaded downward spiral of
pity and self loathing. i know deep down that i
am being selfish and stupid. there are so many
others worse off than me, but i can't help the
way i feel.
as a consequence of my general dislike for myself
i have become pretty lonely. the people i feel
like i can talk to live far away, and that
frustrates me. sometimes i feel like i cannot
even talk to them. i feel selfish when i
burden others with my problems. i feel selfish
writing this. i mean, who the fuck wants to
listen to me whinge?
i promised myself i would not mention men in this journal entry. complaining about not having a man is just pathetic and loserish - even if most other women feel the same way. plus, i don't want to come across as needy - i'm not, i just like 'closeness.' *stops herself from going on any further!*
i guess part of my problem is that on the outside
i have the appearance of being this outrageous,
extroverted, fun girl. and i am like that - when
i am with people whose company i enjoy, or if i
am drunk. as you have all probably realised by
now, i have a tendency to become extremely
extroverted when there is some alcohol involved.
(appologies to anyone who has had to witness any
of my more extreme drunken moments. specifically
anyone who was at tania's 21st last weekend. i am
trully sorry. i have been told a few things and
am just mildly embarrassed by it all.)
god i should really shut up, i'm beginning to
bore myself.
ok, i just need to thank vic for always being
there to cheer me up. you rule chicky! i can't
wait until you move to sydney next year! vic
always knows where i am coming from when i have a
whinge. i guess that's because she can
sympathise. vic, we will find our rockstars with
the sticky outy hipbones! if not, we always have
each other. we have each other and we have
chocolate. oh, and we also have large music
collections that will ensure that our lives will
have a great soundtrack, at the very least.
i also want to thank netty for her awesome email
that cheered me up so so much! the image she put
of tim wheeler and chris martin swimming with me
made me feel warm and tingly from the inside out.
hehe. netty, we have to catch up! and didn't i
tell you shirly manson is mine?!
i'm beginning to wish i was a little
more like sara marie from big brother. i know i would be a
much better person if i could be happier with
myself.
days without a cancerstick: 90 (well, at
least i am doing something right)
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