From: Suzy (squeegy1@aol.com)
Subject: Re: Just contemplating life...
Newsgroups: alt.suicide.holiday
Date: 2003-02-21 07:30:07 PST

"Nicu nurse2000" wrote in message
news:20030220173423.25016.00000006@mb-cd.aol.com...

[snipped]

To reply, I have typed a bunch of... stuff. It's a lot. You don't have to
read, but it feels good to get it out...

I feel like I've been hiding things so far that I am not even sure who I am
anymore. But then again, who actually knows who they are, right? When I
first moved to this town, about a year ago, I was happy. Happy happy happy.
Like, almost annoying kind of happy. But I would still burst out crying
when I was by myself. For no reason. My friend told me I was delusional
about the happiness. She was probably right. About 9 months ago, all that
happiness left and now I am left with this.

Don't get me wrong, I've been dealing with this "depression" for a long long
time (honestly, I can remember being in middle school and talking about
suicide with my friend.) But I've been hiding it all that I am literally
fooling myself sometimes. And then all of a sudden, I get a strong whiff of
reality and break down. There have been rumors going through the kids in
this town that "Jesus, Suzy had some kind of nervous/mental breakdown."
These words jpass via mouth and via internet. They managed to make their
way back to california to my friends over there.

How aweful it is to hear nothing about this until I return across the
country to hear "Yeah, I heard you had some kind of mental breakdown."

The thing is, though, this "breakdown" they were speaking of was merely me
screaming at my roommates (and rightly so) only once or twice, lots of
driving around by myself (to the top of the parking garage and standing on
the edge, thinking of things), hanging out alone in my room, being
melancholy and I am sure that one of my roommates could hear me crying
sometimes through the walls in my house.

If you've ever read The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath, you might remember the
scene where she is walking around with the belt to her robe (or a scarf,
something) tied around her neck, just holding the loose end looking for
somewhere to hang herself. I have literally done that. But when I finally
realized several places I could do it from, I either A) Chickend out for my
roommates' sake (I would hate finding a dead body, wouldn't you?) or B)
Tried it but didn't do it correctly.

This is only when I was alone, though. Around others, I was fine. I was
almost even fun to be around! I suppose that all of this eventually
progressed into showing some of my feelings around those I cared about
(boyfriend, good friend). They, however, did not understand it.

Talking to my boyfriend about this seems to be a big problem. I tell him
about my delimma of whether or not to go back to school, he replies with
"you can do it if you want." But the thing is, I can't. I want to, but my
body just won't let me. My mind won't let me. I tell him that I feel sad,
and he says "I don't see what you feel sad about." I tell him that I agree
because I have everything you could possibly want in life. "I don't
understand you" he blatantly says. Me neither.

Talking to him about this actually makes me worse. So I have stopped. We
are in a shit relationship. I suppose someones comment about "codependancy"
might me correct, but I would be just as fine by myself, as would he. Why
not be alone together?

I am so confused and I don't know what to do. I am going to New York (never
been) and then to California in a couple weeks with my boy for spring break.
I think that when I return I will do the deed. If the boy weren't coming
with me, I would just take my cyanide to California and do it there, where I
grew up... but that would make for one long, lonely, and awkward trip back
to Florida for him.

Don't worry, I am done now.