From: Suzy (
Subject: Re: lying to the therapist
Date: 2003-02-13 06:49:48 PST (FyreDansyr) wrote in message news:...
> My family recently got me to go into therapy. It is so funny beause my
> therapist is so frustrated by my idea that suicide is ok and that is a
> personal choice. i am smart enough to tell her that I am depressed but
> I am not going to kill myself. That is a total lie. I know I will
> eventually die from suicide. I am just not sure when.
> > I find the fact that I am honest with most people and quite open with
> people somewhat relieveing. Yet it is hilarious to think that the only
> person I can't be open with is my therapist. Do any of you feel that
> way?

I saw someone at the university. I had to fill out a little survey
before going in. Mark 1 through 4, four meaning its an issue with
you, for the question of "Do you have throughts of hurting yourself?"
and a similar question with suicide. I marked 4 for both. When I got
in the office, she asked me why I marked 4 for both of those. I
locked up. I know that she would have to tell someone if I said I was
suicidal. So I simply stated "Well, everyone has those feelings,
don't they?" I don't think she bought it, but she dropped the subject.

I was feeling aweful at work one day (I work in an office and
sometimes I am all alone in the building), so I decided to call one of
those suicide hotlines. 1-800-suicide. I asked them what their
privacy policy was. They said everythign was purely confidential
unless in reports of abuse and/or plans to hurt someone else. I
didn't quite believe that I could tell them that I wanted to kill
myself and they wouldn't trace my number and have the cops come to my
place of business. Before I hung up the phone, I had been transferred
to a couple people, it seems the normal hotline worker couldn't take
care of me and my questions and I had to be put to speak with someone
higher up on the todem pole.

Have I mentioned that I have a tendancy to lose it easily? My voice
got shaky and as soon as I was able to hang up, I started crying.

I want to talk to someone about my problems, and I hate discussing it
with my friends, because it puts them in an awkward position (by
friends, I mean my boyfriend and one other friend) and I don't want to
do that to them. I could post on here more, which I think I will try
to. But I still have that fear of being judged by everyone (even
though I know most of you are good kids.) But it would just be nice
to have some feedback sometimes. I don't think anyone I know in real
life (as opposed to this? a fake life? no. but i didn't know how
else to put it. you get the picture) shares my views of suicide being
okay. When I tried to express my opinions with my boyfriend, he told
me that there was definately something wrong with me and that I needed
to see a doctor. Of course, he told me this online. He could never
even discuss this matter with me in person. How's that for support?

Though it's not entirely his fault. I have a hard time physically
talking about it. When online, I am calm and collected, but give me a
couple seconds of talking about it in person and it's the same as with
the suicide hotline. I get shakey and start crying. And then I just
feel silly. I feel the same, but I just feel as if I have less
validity that way.

Funny, I don't remember typing this much.

Basically, I just need a friend who will understand me. I want
someone who I can go to a cafe with and say "woah! did you see what
Doug said today? How about that guy?" or "Kathleen is awesome" and
they would know what the hell I am talking about.

I am not too sure where I am going with this, but I think that is
okay, as I have already typed too much.


P.S. no offense by calling you all "kids." I would call my own parents
"kids." Its fun!