Sayings that should be on buttons...

1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.

3. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

4. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

5. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

6. Do I look like a freakin' people person?

7. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

8. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

9. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

10. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

11. You! Off my planet!

12. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose..

13. Bottomless pit of needs & wants.

14. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.

15. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!

16. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put.shoes on my cat.

17. Does your train of thought have a caboose?

18. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

19. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

20. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.

21. And just how may I screw you over today?

22. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

23. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

24. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...

25. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil..

26. Yeah, right! Like I'm going to put that icky thing in my mouth.

27. Allow me to introduce my selves.

28. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

29. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."l.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

32. Do they ever shut up on your planet?.

33. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

34. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

35. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

36. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

37. Mall whore: I can suck the numbers right off your credit cards.

38. After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?

39. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?.

40. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!

41. Adults are just kids who owe money.

42. One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.

43. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

44. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

45. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

46. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.

47. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

48. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

49. Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.

50. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

51. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

52. Too may freaks, not enough circuses.

53. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done..

54. You look like shit. Is that the style now?

55. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.

56. Earth is full. Go home.

57. Is it time for your medication or mine?

58. Does this condom make me look fat?

59. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?.

60. And which dwarf are you?

61. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.

62. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

63. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

64. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.

65. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.