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Pre-Relationship Agreement
The party of the first part (herein referred to as she) being of sound
mind and fairly good body, agrees to the following with the party of the
second part (herein referred to as him)
1. FULL DISCLOSURE:
At the commencement of said relationship (colloquially referred to as the
first date or match up), each party grees to fully disclose any current
girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias,
fears, social diseases, strange, political affiliations, or currently active
relationships with anyone else that have not yet been terminated. Further
each party agrees to make known any deep-seated mother/father/brother/sister
complexes and fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, or organized sports.
Failure to make these disclosures will result in the immediate termination
of said relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere.
2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS:
Both parties agree to hold the person who arranged the liaison (colloquially
referred to as the "matchmaker") blameless in the event the "fix-up" turns
out to be a "real loser" or "psycho bitch". (For definition of "real loser",
see "John DeLorean: My Story", available at most bookstores; George Hamilton
at one of Imelda Marcos' parties; or any picture of Bob Guccione in Penthouse.
For definition of "psycho bitch," see Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct," or
Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction.")
3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP:
Should said relationship proceed past the first "fix-up" both parties mutually
agree to use the following terminology in describing their said "dating":
For the first thirty (30) days both parties consent to say they are "going
out". (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.) Following
the first thirty (30) days said parties may say they are " seeing somebody"
and may be referred to by third parties as "an item". Sixty (60) days following
the commencement of the "first date" either member may elect to use the terms
"girl/ boyfriend" or "lover" and their mutual acquaintances may refer to
them as "a couple". Under no circumstances are the phrases "my better half,"
"the little woman," "the old ball and chain," or "my old man/lady" acceptable.
Further, if both members of the party consent, this timetable may be speeded
up; however, if either party "gets too serious" and disregards this schedule,
the other party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds of "moving too
fast" and may once again be said to be "on the market."
4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY:
For the first thirty (30) days both parties agree not to ask questions about
the others whereabouts on weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday periods.
No unreasonable demands or expectations will be made; both parties agree
they have no "rights" or "holds" on the other's time. Following the first
six weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one party continues to be "missing
in action" without explanation, the "wounded party" agrees to "give up".
5. DATING ETIQUETTE:
For the first thirty (30) days both members of the couple agree to be overly
considerate of the other's work pressures, schedules, and business ambitions.
A minimum of three (3) phone calls will be made between the two parties during
the working day, and each party will attempt - with best efforts - to originate
50% of the phone calls. Additionally, for the first two weeks all dates will
be made at least twenty-four (24) hours in advance; there will be no "running
off in the middle of the night" to console an old girl/boyfriend", and both
parties agree to strike the phrase "but he/she needs me" from their vocabulary.
Further, during the first six (6) weeks each member of said relationship
agrees to attempt at least one spontaneous "home cooked meal" and will arrange
the delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers. Following the
first forty-five (45) days both parties will return to their normal
personalities.
6. TERMS OF PAYMENT:
It is agreed that - respective gross income aside - "we" will pick up the
tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters, and breakfasts until:
(a) He considers her suitably impressed,
(b) we are broke, or
(c) He says, "this is ridiculous, you pay!".
Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom, which
are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand at the time.
7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS (occasionally known as "Why do I bother
to keep my own apartment?"):
Should said relationship progress to the point where the couple spends more
then five nights a week together, every effort shall be made to split the
time between their respective apartments. Further, it is agreed that both
sides will attempt to silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates.
Additionally, both will avoid having their mother call at 7: 30 in the morning,
and both agree to "pick up after himself" while in residence at the other
apartment, including washing his whiskers out of the sink, and assisting
with household duties. (By the same token, she agrees to respect his right
to keep his apartment "a mess".)
8. THE 90 DAY GRACE PERIOD:
For the first three months, each member of the couple agrees to hold the
other blameless in the euphoric use of phrases like "Let's move in together,"
"Why don't we start a family?" and -- using archaic terminology -- "Let's
get married." Additionally, each party agrees to love, cherish, honor, and
defend the other party's right not to meet his parents.
9. THE "L" WORD:
For the first sixty (60) days both parties agree not to use the phrase "I
love you." They may love plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a
particular pair of jeans fits, but not each other. Failure by one party to
abide by this rule will result in the other party using the "G" word... "Gone."
10. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION:
Any of the following will be grounds for immediate termination and final
dissolution of said relationship:
(a) Excessive use of chatty French phrases;
(b) Ending any argument with the sentence "My ex used to do that same thing";
(c) Suggesting - no matter how kindly - that the other member should seek
"help";
(d) ending any argument with the phrase "My analyst thinks you are..."; and
(e) complaining more than twice about the contents (or lack thereof) of the
other party's refrigerator.
11. DECLARATION OF STRENGTH:
At the time of breakup each party reserves the right to make the other feel
guilty by using one or all of the following phrases:
(a) "You'll never find anybody better";
(b) "Nobody could ever make you happy";
(c) "I'll find somebody who can really appreciate me"; and
(d) "My analyst thinks you are...". (Psychosis to be filled in at the proper
time.)
12. MISCELLANEOUS:
(a) Each party agrees to give the other at least five minutes' notice before
terminating said relationship;
(b) both parties agree to remain exclusive until such time as the relationship
appear to be "on the rocks";
(c) at the termination of said affair:
(1) both parties agree to be mature and return compiled socks, sweatshirts,
books, record albums, door keys, personal undergarments with all due haste
through impartial intermediary;
(2) each party agrees to wait at least seventy-two (72) hours before engaging
in sex with any of the other's friends;
(3) both parties agree to refrain from slandering the other for a period
of at least seven days (bedroom performance included), and further consent
to use one of the following nebulous terms in the description of the breakup:
"The timing wasn't right";
"He/She wanted more than I could give";
"He/She was too involved in his/her career";
"He/She decided to go back with his/her
(a) girl/boyfriend;
(b) last lover;
(c) hometown;
(d) therapist".
13. ADDENDUM:
After the initial breakup - no matter what - both parties agree to give the
relationship "one more shot".