Five foot one. Jet black hair cut into a sloppy bob, shaved in back, hanging to her shoulders in the front. Icy blue eyes that pierce through everything and everyone she looks at. Flesh so pale she could be mistaken for a porcelain doll if she stands too still. Lips so red that it looks like she’s been drinking blood (and she probably has been…) You’re probably thinking she’s some kind of gothic vampire chick. Oh no, sisters and brothers. She’s something far better. Beautiful. Deadly. Pissed off. Ready to inflict her revenge on any woman or man who has given themselves to The Lord. She’s….

The Catholic School Girl
From Hell!

by Ilsa

Now, let’s not assume that this sweet little schoolgirl is pure evil. She’s doing the world justice – ridding us of those awful Christians and Catholics who will stop at nothing to make YOU believe their LIES! They who will stop at nothing to get their red wine-stained, crooked fists into YOUR wallet! Never before has a superhero been so important, so cunning, so hot that you can only WISH she’d allow you to fuck her! Yes, friends, she’s lethal. Especially if you have faith. So drop that bible and start worshipping Satan, or if that’s too unsettling for you, worship nothing! Because if she catches you praying, boys and girls, she will shove the double barrel of her rifle so far down your throat that it’ll come out your ass, and then, she’ll rip out your insides with her teeth! (That’s if you’re LUCKY!!) 

Today’s episode: “Chick In Drag” 

The sun glinted menacingly off of the chains that dangled from her leather jacket. A Virginia Slims Light dangled from her full, blood red lips. She took one last drag, and spit the butt from her mouth as streams of smoke pushed out of her nostrils, infecting the air with cancer. She looked over the edge of her black sunglasses at the church she stood before, a snarl fixed on her lips. Slinging her semi automatic over her shoulder and lewdly scratching her crotch, she began to walk towards the vile building, up the stairs, and into the foyer of the place, the huge door banging loudly behind her.
Ah. Time to receive the body of Christ, she thought to herself as she walked into the place, seeing the patrons lined up down the middle aisle. She scowled menacingly at them. Wastes of good flesh, she growled internally. A few shocked gasps erupted from the pews as she made her way to the line at the front. A few screams from the female patrons of the church followed as Our Hero began to push waiting patrons aside violently, making her way to the priest. He looked at her fearfully, while taking her in: beautiful, rebellious, and decked out to the nines in a vinyl catholic schoolgirl uniform and black leather motorcycle jacket. She pointed the gun directly at his face, and pushed on it gently until his nose was upturned, like a pig’s. He began to shake, and she laughed a short, but maniacal giggle. “Give me the body of Christ, Father!” she said in a teasing, sing-song voice. “Oh, please, Father. I’m so hungry for his SEED!”
The preacher looked at her in complete and utter shock. His hands were shaking. The smile slid from her lips, and she pushed against his nose with the gun, harder, making a stream of blood and snot drip from his nose. “Come ON, asshole. I don’t have all day!!!” She knelt down, and as she did, she let the end of the gun fall into the priest’s lap, pointed directly at his most private of choir boy molesting parts. She tilted her head back, parted her lips, and waited for the bland, tasteless body of Christ.
The priest looked at her in shock, and, shaking, he deposited the wafer thin disc on the girl’s tongue. She chewed, grinned, and jumped up quickly, causing a frightened, collective GASP! to ring through the church. “Thanks, babe,” she said in a cheerful tone. She spun around, pointing the gun directly into the church and at its patrons. “NOW! Which one of you fuckers is gonna tell me where Jack Chick is, huh?” Most of the people just looked confused, while others looked frightened, stunned, and shocked into silence. “Come on, you primitive FUCKHEADS! One of you assholes MUST know where that little bitch is!!!”
She was losing her patience fast. It seemed as though no one in this palace of blasphemy knew what the fuck she was talking about. She began firing her gun randomly, picking off mothers, children, closeted gays, retards, choir boys…. When there was a good fifteen or twenty limp and lifeless bloody corpses laying about the floor of the church and slung over the bloodstained pews, she barked out her question again: “Where the FUCK is Jack Chick? If you don’t tell me, you’re ALL gonna DIE!”
“WuhwuhwuhwuhwuhWAIT a minute!” someone shouted. She whirled around, eyes piercing through the man who broke the silence.
“Yes?” she asked, expectantly.
“HuhhuhhuhhuhHERE!!” The man ran up to her, handed her a tract, and scooted back to safety behind a pew, shaking nervously. She looked at it. “BOO!” it said on the cover, and it had a particularly evil-looking Jack-O on the cover. She laughed. But then she turned it over. “Jack T. Chick Publications” it read. With an address of the headquarters. Jackpot! She thought, a grin spreading across her lips.
“You live,” she told the man who gave her the tract. She tossed a small package of papers at him, held together by a crude rubber band. It contained tracts from every non-Christian religion in the world: SubGenius, Church Of Satan, and Church Of Euthanasia propaganda being the most prominent. (Oh yeah. This chick is fucked up. But we like her that way.) He thanked her profusely, and she pointed to the door. “Get the fuck out! What are you WAITING for?” He ran out, screaming.
“Better get this over with quick,” she growled, and began shooting at everyone in the place. When the bullets ran out, she pulled out a flamethrower, blasting flames into the clergy of the joint, a wicked grin on her face all the while. God, I just LOVE seeing nuns in flames! She began to laugh, killing everyone in the place without even having to think about it. So exciting this was to her, that she started to feel that special little tingle between her thighs. Her sweet and evil girljuice began to run down her legs as she raced around the place, shooting people in the face, stabbing out their eyes, shoving lit roman candles up the cunts of the women and grenades up the asses of the men… Oh, she was having FUN now!
Finally, the place was covered in blood, intestines, bile, and brains. She looked around at the carnage, a satisfied smile on her lips. She adjusted her hair, slid her sunglasses back on, and walked out of the building. “Now to go get that bastard, Chick!” She yelled, and began to run, then jump, flying into the air at high speed.  

“Oh yeah. Suck my cock for Jesus. Yeah, that’s it. Good girl.” Jack T. Chick sat in his lush office, a twelve year old girl in a schoolgirl outfit buried between his legs, his nasty, crusty old cock gouging in and out of her mouth, making her gag.
“Yeah. Yeah. Do it, bitch! That’s it. Body of Christ, body of Christ!” He grabbed her bobbing, ponytailed head, and started to spew his yellow, rotten seed into the little girl’s mouth. Just as he was doing this, Our Hero busts into his office with a shower of flying splinters from the door she blew open with her rifle. “Get the fuck off her, you sick old fuck!” she yelled, pointing the rifle at his face. Then, getting a good look at him, she began to laugh. He was wearing pink fishnet stockings, a blue Sunday dress, and white high heels. She laughed hysterically in his face, pushing the little girl aside. “You’re more of a twisted fuck than I thought, Chick.” He looked at her nervously, muttering and stuttering, his dick still hard in his lap. She looked at him in disgust, and then turned to the girl. “Go. Now. He’s not gonna hurt you anymore.” The girl nodded, frightened but smiling gratefully, and she darted out of the office to freedom.
“Well now, Mister Chick. Whatever am I going to DO with you?” She grinned evilly at the frightened, sputtering, Christian asshole in drag sitting before her.  

Next Episode: “Chick Bites The BIG ONE”!