Grandmama

by Evil Eggplant

You know, the funniest thing happened to me yesterday as I was walking down the street-- see, I was walking down the street doing my GROOVE THING, strutting down the street-- and this GIANT RAT came out; said, "Son, we got a problem. The rat kingdom is being threatened by the cock-a-roach kingdom. Why, we can't stand for it, and we must recruit a champion." And I said, "FUCK YOU, RAT!" and broke his neck. Now the rat didn't mind much-- he was dead-- and I didn't mind much. But I had nightmares the next week about talking rats. One night, while I was sleeping, the ghost of the rat came to me and said, "Boy... we needed your help, and you killed me!" and I said, "FUCK OFF!" and crushed the ghost's nads. You see, this kind of thing's kind of normal for me, because I'm a FREAK. One day, I was walking down the street and my GRANDMAMA came out. And I said, "Grandmama! You died last week from a heart attack!" And she said, "Shut up! I'm your GRANDMAMA, and I DON'T DIE!!!" And just as she said that, a BUS hit her. Now, it doesn't matter if a bus hits my Grandmama, because it hit my Grandpa three times before he died, so I knew my Grandmama had at least two whacks before she died. She got right back up, but then a giant BLUE WHALE came right out of the sky and landed SMACK-DAB on my Grandmama! Now at this point, I was utterly horrified, so I pulled out my pocket knife and made like McGyver, and cut open that big fat whale to save my Grandmama. Now, halfway through the intestines, I heard a chewing sound... when a GIANT set of FALSE TEETH came flinging out that big intestine. I went, "My GOD, Grandma! You ate through a DAMN WHALE!" She said, "Yes, sonny, I did. And I enjoyed every lip- smacking minute of it." As she said that, she realized, "Oh crap! I got FOOD POISONING and THE RUNS-- and I'm CONSTIPATED!!! Get me some PRUNES!" and she went hauling her scrawny ass down the street (hauling my big ass after it). When she got to the pharmacy the guy said, "Oh my God! It's a blood-craving, insane, non-dying GRANDMA!" and shot her in the head. Now, my Grandmama's not one to take kindly to being shot in the head. So she pulled her bullet-holey self up off the floor and THROTTLED the man. After she got done throttling that man, she took the gun, stuck it up his ARSE and you can imagine what came next. Now my Grandmama had been hit by a whale, hit by a bus, shot with a gun, and had the runs, 'cause she got her box of prunes. And let me tell you, that bathroom weren't a PRETTY sight. Grandmama didn't even make it to the toilet; good thing I don't live there. Now, see, my Grandmama decided she needed a change of clothes, being blood-covered and all, so she was walking down the street-- and an AMBULANCE hit her! Now, that's never done a thing: Grandpa got hit EIGHT TIMES by an ambulance, so I knew my Grandmama had at least four whacks before she was down. So, getting back up, Grandmama brushed herself off and said, "Felt NOT a DAMN thing," so it RAN BACK OVER HER. Now, she was getting pretty irritated this time, and cannibalized the driver. Then she started driving around in that ambulance, saying, "Gotta get some new clothes" when, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, Godzilla stepped on her! It's pretty bad when Godzilla steps on you-- Grandpa was only stepped on by Godzilla once; his first time was his last time. Never got back up after that. I guess Godzilla has it in for my grandparents. Well, Grandmama actually managed to crawl out between his toes. . .So he drop-kicked her. Next week, I was sitting, watching TV and I got a call. Picked up my phone and it was Grandmama, saying that she just got done being attacked by rabid polar bears and she needed a ride home. I said, "Grandmama, where'd you get the PHONE?" She said, "I found a scientist and I STOLE it from him." "But what about the scientist, Grandmama, what's he gonna do?" "NOTHING! 'Cause I BROKE his head with his OWN DAMN SKI!!!" And I said, "Grandmama, you're Evil." And right there, I began my DEFENSE PLAN AGAINST GRANDMAMA. The next day, I saw a SNOW-COVERED THING, LUNGING towards the house. So, taking out my ACID-GRENADE, I hit her with it. And burned the flesh from her left body. Still coming. I pissed my pants and pulled out my ROCKET-LAUNCHER and shot her one good time in the kneecap. I said, "You OLD BITCH, stay down!" But she kept on coming. So I got in my steamroller and started trucking towards Grandmama. Now, I wasn't sure this was going to work, because Grandpa got hit by a steamroller twenty-five times; Grandma had at least fifteen to go. Now I ran her over once. Twice. Thrice. Four times. Five times. And she was still coming. I knew there was only one way to get rid of Grandmama. I contacted NASA. I said, "NASA! I need to borrow your space shuttle. Grandmama's chasin' me!" They called me a loon and hung up. So I broke into their facilities the next night, shot everybody and hijacked that space shuttle. I tied Grandmama to the NOSE KA-CONE-- the NOSE CONE, that is. And I launched her into the SUN, screaming. Well, I thought it was all over, until a few minutes ago, when a giant pile of ASH started chasing me down the street. I said, "Grandmama! Why won't you DIE?" And it said something in the ash language that I was not able to understand. It's now crawling up my pants leg, wrapping itself around my lower intestine. I don't know how it got there. It just did. The End.