Your Mother

By Spike Jonez

You suck. But your mom, she's sweet. I'll tell ya why.
I was going over to your house, as I normally do when there's nothing to do and I'm bored of monkeyfuckin', when I saw a convenience store.
"Wow!" I said. "I think I'll go into this convenience store because it's so conveniently placed on my way," sez I. So I went in and bought a pack of smokes. I thanked the cashier and blew his fuckin' brains across the store with a super-soaker filled with hydrofluoric acid. I put hydrocyanic acid in all the milk, to show my love for the kids. I think I was on acid, too. But that's not the story.
So I got over to your place and I knocked on the door. You mom answered the door. I asked if you were around. She said no, but I could wait around with her if I liked. I did like. So I walked in and had a cup on coffee with your mom.
She was having irish coffee. I said, "Isn't it a bit early to be drinking?" She replied that it's never too early to be drinking, not even in your third trimester. That explains you, you useless fuck. You useless fetal alcohol syndrome fucked-up fuckup fucker. But anyway. She popped a couple of valiums and gazed over at me with glazed eyes. Looked to me like she'd already been hittin' that bottle of housewife-helpers before I got there. She batted her eyelashes at me and said that she's not normally so forward, but she'd really like to suck my dick right now. That was expected. I get that from her all the time. Come to think of it, I must have been on acid, because I accepted this rather brash proposal.
So there's your mom, going down on me like a friggin' circus seal, really goin' at it. I mean serious fuckin' porn-star style. She sucked dick like Traci Lords at her peak, and by that I mean that she sucked dick like a slutty 15 year old. I was pretty well diggin' that. So I grabbed her by the back of the head and I'm slammin' my cock against her tonsils and gaggin' the bitch and fuckin' loving it. I never thought your mom could suck such good dick. You gotta try it sometime. That is, if you have a dick. But anyway.
So I'm facefucking your mom, givin' her the whole in-out-in-out skullfucking she deserved, when her fucking teeth pop out. I look down, and there's her dentures resting on the base of my cock. Well, I toss them aside and get a toothless knobjob 'til I bust my nut on her uvula. Then I decided that it was about time to get even with the bitch for being such a disgusting whore and for popping her teeth out on my wang.
So I grab the bitch by the hair and drag her over to the kitchen counter. You following me? I see your eyes straying. What's your problem? So anyway, as I was sayin', I had your mom by the fucking hair and I'm dragging her kicking and screaming bitchass over to the kitchen counter and grab a meat cleaver. I played mumblypeg with your mom for a while, but I kept on missing, and when she was out of fingers I stuck it in her head to keep it out of my way for a while. What? No, she didn't die then. Shut up. I'm not done. So anyway... erm... Fuck! You made me lose my concentration! I can't remember if it was the weedwhacker or the belt-sander next. Your dad has a nice set of tools. All I remember is slowly feeding that chainsaw up your momma's cunt, and believe you me, the bitch took the whole thing without a complaint! I think the reason for that might have been that she was dead at this point, but it was a crazy time, ya know? Can only remember bits & pieces. Hell, I was having fun!
So anyway, that brings us to here. You suck. But your momma, she's sweet. She sucked too, actually, come to think of it. But you won't. I'm not gonna stick my pecker anywhere near that pestilential cakehole of yours. And stop your fucking whining or I'll put the ballgag back in. Struggling's going to do you no good, either. I was a Boy Scout, I know how to tie 'em tight. So, where was I? Oh yeah! Did I ever show you my "burning bamboo shoot" trick? Gimmie your finger.