My Tips
For Cats
(and the people they own)

The 10 Catmandments

1.  I am the lord of thy house
2.  Thou shalt have no other pets before me
3.  Thou shalt not ever ignore me
4.  I shall ignore thou when I feel like it
5.  Thou shalt be grateful that I even give thou the time of day
6.  Remember my food dish and keep it full
7.  Thou shalt spend most of thy money on toys and gifts for me.
8.  Thou shalt always have thy lap ready for me to curl up in
9.  Thou shalt shower me with love and attention upon demand
10.  Above all, thou shalt do anything it takes to keep me happy

Rules Of Etiquette
For The Inexperienced Cat

1.  If you have an upset stomach, get into a chair quickly.  If you can not manage this in time, get to an oriental rug.  Or, shag is okay.
2.  Determine quickly which guests hate cats.  Sit on that lap during the evening.  He/she won't dare push you off, and will even call you "nice kitty."  If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath so much the better.
3.  For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors that contrast your own.
4.  Always accompany guests to the bathroom.  it is not necessary to do anything.  Just sit there and stare.
5.  For guests who say "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain, claws applied to the stockings or a quick nip on the ankles is a nice touch.
6.  Do not allow doors closed in any room.  To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws.  Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it.  You can change your mind.  When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things.  This is particularly important during cold weather or mosquito season.
7.  If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one.  For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can lie across the book itself.
8.  For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to doze.  Then strike out and slap teh knitting needles sharply.  This is what she calls "dropped stitchs."  She will try to distract you, ignore it!
9.  For people doing homework, sit on the paper being worked on.  After being moved for the second time, push anything movable off the table, pens, pencils, stamps.... one at a time.
10.  Get enough sleep during the daytime so that you are fresh for playing at night between 2:00 and 4:00 am.

Kitty Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep, the king-size bed is soft and deep.  I sleep right in the center groove, my human can not hardly move!  I've trapped her legs, she's tucked in tight, and here is where I pass the night.  No one disturbs me or dares intrude.  Till morning comes and "I want food!"  I sneak up slowly to begin my nibbles on my human's chin.  She wakes up quickly, I have sharp teeth, and my claws I will unsheath.  For mornings here and it's time to play, I always seem to get my way.  So thank you Lord for giving me this human person that I see.  The one who hugs me and holds me tight, and sacrifices her bed at night.