THE
WACKY WORLD OF HENRIETTA BURTON-CRUMP
EPISODE
1 – BOGOFF BONANZA
©
June 2001 Ciaris Perry-Bowden
Henrietta
is sitting drinking her morning coffee, while compiling her shopping list. Going through what she needs.
All
Bran, 3 boxes, large. Horace’s must
have. Chocolate cheesecake, 3 packets,
large. My aphrodisiac, ooh (giggles) –
well one mustn’t rely on Horace for everything. Earl Grey tea, 2 packets,
my pick me up – delicious with the cheesecake - and almost as delicious as that lovely young
man called Earl on the checkout. Fabric
whitener, 6 packets, Horace must have a clean shirt for every day - plus one
spare. Cleaner for the lav – 10
squeegie bottles – and air freshener – also for the lav - 94 tablets – two more
pressies for Horace. Oh, and some
croissants for those delightful little magpies that come down for their
elevensies – such sophisticated tastes birds have these days. And finally, anything else that’s BOGOFF -
wonder if I should put the roof rack on – no I’ll manage by loading up the back
seat.
Henrietta
reverses into space & we hear crunch as she hits another car. Looks shocked, then drives forward too
quickly and hits car opposite. (OPTIONAL
SCENE – IF POSS) Owner of second car pokes his head through her window.
Which
way should I go now?
Preferably
backwards.
Right
ho.
Henrietta
reverses out of parking space and out of supermarket. Car owner looks aghast. Henrietta continues to reverse round
block and back into supermarket. This
time she reverses up against a waste bin and sends it flying.) Shocked onlookers. Henrietta enters store.
Henrietta
takes trolley, puts on her glasses and takes out her list. Starts looking for BOGOFFS. Takes some BOGOFF bags of apples, looks at
the oranges which are not BOGOFF.
Accosts a young male manager to ask him why they are not BOGOFF.
Young
man.
Yes
madam?
These
oranges here, why are they not BOGOFF?
Excuse
me?
BOGOFF. (Louder) BOGOFF.
Several
customers turn round and look at her, shocked.
BOGOFF?
Yes,
BOGOFF. BOGOFF. They were BOGOFF last week and they’re
not this week.
Do
you mean, buy one get one free?
Henrietta
(impatiently)
Of
course that’s what I mean. You should know that. You were the one that put up the offer. Now I want these BOGOFF.
|’m
sorry, Madam, but that offer finished last week. Apples are buy one……er…BOGOFF, this week.
Henrietta
(impatiently)
Yes,
I know that, I’ve already bought some, but I want the oranges as well. They were absolutely delicious and did
Horace’s bowels no end of good – he had them with his All Bran in the mornings
– I hope that’s BOGOFF this week as well – Horace is very partial to his All
Bran. (Henrietta picks up 2 bags of
oranges). Now, I want this one free
please, or I’ll complain to the manager.
I
am the manager, Madam.
Well,
I’ll complain to my stockbroker. I’m a
shareholder, you know, I hold 50 shares in your company and I expect to get
full value out of them – especially as the divvy was so lousy last year. Now, come along, you can accompany me. I want to make sure everything else I want
is BOGOFF. I absolutely will not be
diddled.
She
hassles him into letting her have a second bag free, then she frogmarches him
round store with her list so that everything else she buys, she gets
BOGOFF. The manager looks very
harassed and tries to stop her, but she is too strong for him.
Henrietta
is seen hassling manager into letting her have BOGOFFs, All Bran etc.
Henrietta
whaps the food into the amazed deli server’s open hands, disappears and returns
laden with a plate from the crockery section, a knife and fork, napkin, collapsible
garden chair and small table. She
erects the chair and table, tucks the napkin into her neck and sets her knife
and fork.
There,
that’s better, I can’t possibly eat out of my hands, so dreadfully
uncivilised. Like those awful parties
one goes to where they have canapés. (She offers plate to server) Now, you can just load up here.
She then goes along the deli counter
insisting on huge portions of everything.
Server looks nonplussed and manager looks horrified.
Is
that curry over there?
Yes,
Madam.
Looks
like Korma. I’m partial to a little bit
of Korma. And chicken tikka too. Delicious.
Oh, and I see you’ve got some pilau rice. Now, I need all this on a separate plate, look there’s one there
(she points to a plate containing cooked chicken) you can use that to save me going back to the
crockery section. Give me large
portions, I’m pretty hungry, oh, and heat it up in the microwave – at least 2
minutes. I can’t abide cold curry.
Henrietta ends up with 2 massive platefuls of food. She has
almost cleaned out the Deli section.
(Sarcastically)
Are
you sure you have enough, Madam?
While
waiting to pay, and leaving an exhausted manager slumped against on of the
promotions, Henrietta goes through the trolleys of two customers standing
behind her and starts taking out their goods.
(To first customer)
Excuse
meis this BOGOFF?
I
don’t think so, why?
It
jolly well should be. They’ve put the
price up 10p since last week. I’ll call
the manager, get him to fetch you another one.
Er, young man……..
Manager looks blankly at her.
What’s
the matter, man? You look drunk. You should go to Cafe – the cappuccino is
wonderful for perking up the spirits.
Now, this lady here needs another one of these, will you kindly fetch it
for her?
Manager gets up and walks towards Henrietta like an automaton. He takes packet without speaking and walks away with it.
Henrietta
There
you are, you see, must stand up for your rights. Now, let’s see what else you’ve been diddled on.
Henrietta goes through basket again.
Henrietta
Lav
cleaner. I know that’s BOGOFF. I’ve got some in my trolley. I’ll just go and check.
Henrietta turns round and finds all her stuff is whizzing through conveyor belt.
Henrietta
Oh,
it’s gone, never mind. I’ll have the manager fetch you some when he
returns. He’s being an awful long time,
isn’t he? Needs a rocket under him. Ah,
there he is…….young man……..
Manager looks as though he is a total zombie. Without a word, he takes loo cleaner from Henrietta and goes off with it.
Henrietta
You
see? Once you let them know who’s boss,
you’re on a winner. Now, I can see a
very interesting packet of Allbran there which certainly should be BOGOFF.
Customer
Please,
I don’t want any more BOGOFFs.
Henrietta
Oh,
but you do. I was going to buy 3
packets of Allbran but I ended up with 4 and paid for only 2. It’s Horace’s Dyno Rod for his bowels, never
fails, regular morn and night.
Customer
No
more BOGOFFs.
Henrietta
Now,
don’t be silly. These people are making
an absolute fortune. Trust me. I’m a shareholder.
She goes to rummage through customer’s trolley again.
Customer
Will
you please leave my shopping alone?
Henrietta
Wouldn't
dream of it. It’s people like you that
need my help. Now…….
Henrietta looks round and sees a packer packing up her shopping.
Henrietta
(To customer)
Would
you excuse me a minute.
She marches through aisle and accosts packer.
Henrietta
Are
you putting the things in the right bags?
I don’t want the lav cleaner in with the meat. And don’t you dare crush the croissants – they’re for the magpies
in my garden – very particular, those magpies are. Why, you blithering idiot, you’ve put them under the Persil. How
dare you.
Henrietta grabs a baguette from a neighbouring aisle and whacks the packer over the head with it. Person on neighbouring aisle looks horrified.
Henrietta
Be
off with you, that’s right, off, off.
Henrietta does her packing herself, but because the stuff is coming through so quickly it piles up on the conveyor belt and starts to spill onto the floor. Henrietta seems oblivious to this and packs away merrily, putting the correct items in the correct bags and humming to herself. She doesn’t see that the manager has crawled through the aisle, is sitting on the floor, and playing with the surplus shopping like a baby, gooing and gaa-ing to himself. The other customers are all looking at their watches and huffing and puffing. The checkout girl looks extremely harassed.
Cashier
That’s
sixty seven pounds 14 pence please.
Henrietta
Sixty
seven 14? Are you sure you logged in
all my BOGOFFs? Where’s Earl? He always
logs in in all my BOGOFFs.
Cashier
Earl’s
on holiday, madam.
Henrietta
Most
inconsiderate. That means I’ve got to
check the entire bill myself.
She sticks her head over the till and starts to go through bill, item by item. Cashier looks horrified.
Henrietta
Now,
I’m not sure about this one. I can’t
see BOGOFF.
Cashier
It’s
further down the list, madam.
Henrietta
Where’s
that manager chappie? (She sees him playing with shopping) Oh, there you are, get up off the floor, it can’t be your tea
break yet. Just check this list for me.
Manager ignores her and goes on playing.
Cashier
There
it is, madam.
Henrietta
Oh,
so it is. You shouldn't try to hide it
from customers. That’s why your
directors are riding round in Rolls Royces.
Now, I need to check the All Bran.
Customers are starting to complain. Cashier screams and runs off.
Henrietta
finishes loading her shopping into her car.
Phew. I’m exhausted. I need a stiff drink. I’ll go and see Betty in the café.
She drives off, dragging waste bin she has knocked over? Could use police cone if easier.
Scene 9 - Supermarket Car Park
(2 miins)
Henrietta
drives up to car park attendant in kiosk and hand him her ticket.
You’re
an hour overdue, madam. That’s forty
pounds please.
I
beg your pardon?
Forty
pounds please.
Forty
pounds? For what?
For
an hour’s extra parking.
My
good man, it has taken me 3 hours to go round your store. No sooner had I got
in the shop than I was offered luncheon, and I cannot eat my luncheon in under
one hour. It interferes with my
digestion and subsequent bowel movements.
You’re lucky they didn’t offer me coffee and mints afterwards – that
would have been another half hour. It
then took me 2 hours to do my shopping because I had to be personally escorted
round by the manager to make sure I got all my BOGOFFs. Now, if you think one can complete all those
activities in 2 hours, you are very much mistaken. Rather than try to charge me 40 pounds, you should increase the
parking time to 3 hours, then I would manage quite comfortably. And while I’m here, I might add that the
lavatories were disgusting. There
really is no excuse, lav cleaner is on BOGOFF this week, so tell your cleaner
to get bogging with some and BOGOFF to the bogs. Thank you.
There is now a queue of people all in there cars and they start hooting furiously.
There
you are, you see, you’ve now caused road rage.
Attendant has slumped forward in his kiosk. His head falls on the barrier release, and it rises.
(To the people in cars)
It’s
OK chaps, we’re in business.
She drives through barrier. Other cars follow her.
Scene 10 – Outside café (1
min)
Henrietta
pulls up on an empty meter and puts some money in. Enters Cafe.
Hello,
Mrs BC, and how are you today?
Exhaused
Betty. I’ve just spend 3 hours in the
supermarket doing my shopping. Had to
take the manager round personally to ensure I got all my BOGOFFs. (Betty nods sympathetically). Luckily they offered me luncheon, but they
didn’t have any coffee afterwards, so I’ll have my usual please, Betty -
Cappuccino – Grande - extra choccy sprinkling.
I’ll
bring it to your table Mrs BC.
Thank
you Betty, awfully kind.
Scene 12 – int. Cafe (30 secs)
Henrietta sits down to enjoy cappuccino, which Betty brings to her. She puts her feet up on table, much to annoyance of person sitting opposite her.
Don’t
mind, do you? I’ve just spend 3 hours
in the supermarket and I’m absolutely trolleyed.
Henrietta savours drink, humming a little.
Scene 13 – Cafe counter( 30
secs)
Same
again please - one for the road.
Henrietta exits.
Scene 14 – Outside Cafe (1
min)
Traffic
warden is just about to ticket her car.
Henrietta
finishes unloading shopping.
Well,
that’s that done. Thank Heavens one
only has to go once a week. Now to put my
feet up and savour that cappuccino. (She
looks around for it.) Of course, I
left it with that lovely young traffic warden.
Well, I’m sure his need was greater than mine.
Good
evening, Horace, dear. You can’t
imagine the eventful day I’ve had.
Henrietta goes out to greet him.
Music
– My Dear.
Henrietta
is preparing tea and cake for Horace in kitchen. She exits with tray, smiling.
[Opening credit (centred) ...]
THE WACKY WORLD OF HENRIETTA BURTON-CRUMP
EPISODE 1 - BOGOFF BONANZA
Written by and Starring Ciaris Perry-Bowden
Directed by Joshua Ben
[Ending credit (centred): “My Dear” music begins ... with snippets of blooper/cockup shots ...]
CAST – In order of Appearance
Henrietta Burton-Crump Ciaris Perry-Bowden
Man in Car Park Kit Hillier
Supermarket Manager David da Silva
Deli Server Fenella Oakley
Checkot girl Maya Gabrielle
Young Mother Andrea Sadler
Baby May Herself
Irate customer Anna Fiertag
Packer Jennifer Fletcher
Packer Tom Massey
Car Park Attendant Roy Hobson
Betty Barbara Massey
Man in Café Anthony Rosenberg
Traffic Warden B Michael James
Boy laughing at Traffic Warden Scott James Bradshaw
Girl laughing at Traffic Warden Laura Jane Bradshaw
Greengrocers Extras Joanna, Sam & Laurie Briggs
Nancy & Rowan Lee
Car Park Scene Extras Ray Russell, Anna Fiertag
Nancy & Rowan Lee
Olive Peet
Singer “My Dear” Carlos Cogul
Continuity & Additional Script & Costume Ideas & 1st AD:Scott Bradshaw
2nd Ad: Laura Bradshaw
Artistic Director
Location Manager
Ciaris Perry-Bowden
DV Editor
Robin Kershaw
Music & Costumes
Ciaris Perry-Bowden
Director &
Director of Photography
Joshua Ben
Produced by
Joshua Ben
Ciaris Perry-Bowden
For this episode’s official script, visit:
www.OhMyGoodness.co.uk
©
June 2001 Ciaris Perry-Bowden