The movie opens with “Meatloaf” doing a stunning and eclectic stage appearance with some skinny brunette who lets him feel her up for the chance to strut her stuff on the stage. Now, I think we all know that if she didn’t have illusions of grandeur, she wouldn’t let herself be groped by hamburger. So he sweats profusely and upon leaving the stage collapses. One of his “people” slaps an oxygen mask over his face and *wala* flashback time. Wee.
First flashback scene: Meatloaf’s daddy telling him he’ll never be a big baseball player because he’s too fat. No duh. He refers to him at “Meat” to which Meatloaf says “Wha, don’t call me that!” and daddy replies “Why not? That’s what you are son. A big tub o’ meat.” Then all the other boys in his phys-ed class hit him with big rubber balls in slow motion because he’s the “fat kid”. I think we’ve figured that out though.
Oh cripie! Mom’s dead. Wait, I skipped the big “I’m a high school football star” scene. Well, there is one. Ok, now... Mom’s funeral is just another cause for his father’s embarrassment due to the fact that Meatloaf sobs and heaves his girth around superfluously. Afterwards they engage in fisticuffs when Daddy attempts to “whup” Meatloaf for compounding his failure as a father. To which Meatloaf yells “Don’t you ever do that to me again!” and flings Poppa against the wall.
Cut to long haired, poet shirt wearing twenty-something Meat. Natch, all the girls are flirting with him because we all know what a stud he is. Yum. Get on it. So he’s parking cars but this flippy-headed twit drags him in to see some “director” because she thinks it’s groovy to be named after a ground beef substance. Then the movie gets surreal because someone’s belting out Aquarius to the scene of hip-swaying and a bus with a lemon (I think) on the side of it. Oh wait, I think they’re “on tour”. Yeah, that’s it. Touring. Hey! I didn’t think moshing was done in the seventies... sixties(?). Whenever.
Ok now we’re at an audition. Same curly-haired twit accompanies the Loaf, who’s starting to resemble the guy in High Fidelity who wears patchouli and dates Rob Gordon’s (John Cusack) exgirlfriend. Oh hey, the twit’s name is Erin but now she’s left him because he’s “pushing” himself and he’s so “goal oriented”.
Ok so Meat walks up on the stage and starts singing acapella some Mary-was-laid-in-a-manger-so-rare tune. And the other long-haired hippies “get it”. Thumbs up. And I quote: “That’s our guy!”.
I’d have to say that one of my favorite scenes is Meatloaf laying on his back with his belly hanging out below his shirt (but over his belt) with a plate resting delicately atop it, piled with ohh... three pieces of cheesecake or chocolate mousse or whatever. Sexy. He eats while his friend Jim writes his music. Great mix. Jim hates L.A. though. Tough break, Meat. Meatloaf uses the “I am a train and you are hooked to my ass or stuck at the station” (I paraphrased) analogy. It almost brings a tear to my eye.
Rocky Horror Picture Show! I think we all know what happens next. His friend Jim describes him as “Pavarotti singing outlaw rock”. I think I’m going to piss myself. My intense distaste for Meatloaf is expounded by the pseudo-singing that you have to bear at regular intervals throughout the movie. Meatloaf flips over the piano when a record company guy calls him Ethel Merman. Act-ing. I was impressed by the serious amount of sweating that the actor playing Meatloaf was able to accomplish though.
On to the record making! Wee, more singing. “Explosive Wagnerian anthems.” An actual quote from Jim. Nice touch.
Meatloaf has dinner with Leslie, she works at the studio. He impresses her by telling her how much he embarrassed his dad with his poundage. And how he talks to Mom in his dreams. She says all these reassuring things like “Your size is YOU” and “Talking to your dead Mom isn’t weird if it makes you happy”. I was wondering what was wrong with her then she breaks out with the “I have a little girl... she’s four years old”. Ahh. I see.
Cut to busy club scene. Gee, I wonder who our star is... Oh yeah. Moving on. Although the ruffled shirts do much to conceal the rare flab around Meat’s midsection. He “took the words right outta my mouth”. I have a feeling if you substituted “words” with “beefarooni” you’d have a similarly autobiographical story line.
Leslie likes him. Ungh. Yeah. There’s nothing like pressing your bare breast to a piece of steamed and sweating flesh... Wait! He loves her! His mom told him to marry her in a dream. A tad desperate it seems. Leslie is really in a spot since he’s offering to shake her hand on it and everything. More begging. Whew, Leslie finally says “ok”. That was a near miss for the Loaf. He resumes his staging and squaks like a pricked goose.
Their wedding is beautiful and you can tell this marriage will last because of how eager she was to marry him in the first place. Mmhmm. Meatloaf wears sunglasses. The minister’s arm catches on fire. A regular “rock star” wedding.
I’ve noticed one of the favorite poses throughout the movie is Meatloaf on his back, belly forward, legs akimbo. It works for him, it really does. Needless to say, no record label will sign them. Are we too surprised? Well, it seems like a Steve who owns his own record label is going to be their personal Jesus. Hallelujah.
Hey it’s the Bat Out of Hell album cover staring me in the face. Something I’ve attempted to avoid at every occasion in my short life. Jim’s mad because his name doesn’t appear on the front, not even in a wheel bearing or anything! “Miffed” would describe his modus operandai. Apparently no one wants to play the album. If only they would realize the error of their ways!
I have to say there is some bad acting in this movie.
Boston Mass., 1978.
I was three. (Just though I’d add some personal information to keep your attention.) Meatloaf sings for a dinner party. Ironic. I don’t think the people in the front row appreciated the droplets of sweat on their filet mignon’s but I guess if you know Meatloaf then you can sort of expect that sort of action. He receives a standing ovulation. He then proceeds to increase the sale of Pepto-Bismal all across the city when he reverbs with “Bat Out of Hell”.
On to the news media coverage whereupon Meatloaf describes their songs as “Disney-esque only with an R rating”. Speaking of High Fidelity, they should have gotten that employee of the record store (the hyper one with the girth) to play Meatloaf. He would have been great. I think this is the beginning of some drug use but it’s only vaguely alluded to, so I’m not completely sure.
Meatloaf is walking down the street and some little boy yells at him “You’re a freak!”. Bless his heart. Loaf cries and falls down in the gutter. Drama queen.
Then I guess we’re done with the flashbacks because we return to the concert mentioned at the beginning of the movie. Close-up of Leslie backstage glaring and muttering about how he’s “always there for the fans”. Then the big collapse again. And we’re present day Meatloaf in the whirlpool getting screamed at by his six (?) year old because he always works and never colors! Leslie’s pregnant. Hamburger Helper works too much and she’s pissed. Ahh, the stresses of being a BIG ROCK STAR. Following this we have the “overworked vocal chord issue” that oppresses all the BIG ROCK STARS.
I’m feeling a bit hopeful because I just noticed we have less than an hour left in the movie. There IS a god.
Leslie goes into labor. It’s a girl.
*Three years go by.*
Apparently they’ve been getting served with lawsuits for unpaid bills and such. Meatloaf sits in a lazyboy surrounded by crumpled up subpeonas assuring the disheartened Leslie that “everything’s gonna work out fine”. But when Leslie finds out her grocery account has been closed she goes ballistic!
1983
Meatloaf is touring Europe. He gets home to one pissed off wife due to the fact that he never calls and would rather spend a night with a bowl of M&M’s instead of with her skantily clad ass. Flash to scene of Meatloaf’s property being loaded up on a moving truck. He had to declare bankruptcy. Leslie’s going to her mom’s. Meatloaf wallows in his own self-pity by bringing back the emotional abuse his father heaped upon his furry head. Leslie reminds him that his dad was just “a stupid man”. Yeah, good one Leslie. Remind him that ignorance is in his genes.
Meatloaf drives out to his father’s farm/ranch/whatever and along the way relives family car trips in his head only furthering his own need for paternal love. Sniffle. His dad’s living room is a shrine to Meatloaf’s success. His father has been reduced to a wheelchair and appears pathetic and submissive. A regular fantasy come alive!! They discuss Meatloaf’s awe-inspiring success. A family moment.
He finds Leslie. Tearful reunion!! Tearful reunion!!
Meatloaf’s new hobby: girl’s little league coaching. It works for him. It really does.
God, will this movie ever be over!? Meatloaf sings the nightclubs, red hanky in hand.
1986
That was only THREE years?! Meatloaf’s doing sit-ups and he’s on tour again. Although, there wasn’t the usual belting out of Aquarius to clue us into that. The shots of the bus zooming past the camera did help. His agent is trying to talk him into another album with Jim Steinman. “Do it for the fans, Meat. For the fans.” Meatloaf goes to see Jim, who I might add, looks like a vamp wannabe. He’s so gothic. Apparently, the blood has slowly been draining from his body for years. There’s talk of a cage act on stage. I think Jim’s gone daffy.
Birmingham, Alabama 1993
They call his “Bat Out of Hell II” drivel. Yay! His daughter is his backup singer. “Gee, daddy, please!” Puke. I hope he doesn’t forget who he’s singing with and go into one of his cop-a-feels. *Singing singing.* He’s a big “success” and he takes time out of his busy busy life to “thank the fans”. Thanks, fans.
Leslie bawls because their album is number one. She’s a woman of great juxtaposition. After 23 years he has a number one record! Who’s responsible for this, dammit?!?! He wins a grammy for Best Rock Performance but there’s a catch. No one really wants to see him in person so they ask him not to perform or formally accept it. Finally, someone “gets it”. Aww, he still feels like “just that fat kid who’s never gonna amount to anything”.
We still have six more minutes of the movie but I prefer to end on that note. I have a feeling the end is going to be pretty anti-climactic anyway. I take that back, he's ending with the ever-so-popular "I Would Do Anything For Love"... but I won't do that. Does anyone even GET that song?