Critical Mass

Mike's Words of Wisdom

Poet and author with nothing published, these are some of Mike MacNabb's Words of Wisdom.

Never wash tacos down with Everclear….ever.

If you go outside and see large flakes of snow falling and you feel it’s a good idea to go walk someplace in it -- it’s not.

Rain has a tendency to be wet.

There is an art to flagging down waitresses at a Waffle House. In most establishments, the proper method would be to say, "Excuse me miss, may I have some more coffee?" But in the Waffle House, this is not so. I find the most effective method is to shout, "Greasy waffle wench, come hither and dispense more beverages!" They usually won't refill your coffee, but hey, you got to yell "greasy waffle wench." It's almost better than another cup of coffee...almost...

If you’re ever feeling down, just go to a crowded place, stand up on something (if possible) and shout as loud as you can, “Dance monkeys! Dance!!! You are here for my amusement!!” It’s a sure fire method to brighten even the darkest days.

Pretzels are wonderful, but not nearly as wonderful as beer.

The shortest distance between any two points is a straight line, not a triangular shape that takes you at least ten minutes out of your way, and up a big hill through mud, ice and drunken motorists. (Special thanks goes to Chris for showing me the shortcut to the Waffle House.)

If you wake up on a Monday morning and can’t even do a simple thing such as tying your shoe correctly, go back to bed. Your day was pretty much shot to hell right there.

Mark (Editor's note: Not me) takes it in the tater, like a champ.

Eat cheese.

Whoever offers me fried chicken and does not follow through shall incur my wrath. James, this means you…..this especially means you.

Here's a tip if you need to stay awake but are suffering from sleep deprivation. I call it Mike's Thermonuclear Power Tonic. The recipe is simple. Take 4 No Doz pills and crush them up into a 2 liter bottle of Coke. Drink the entire thing in one sitting. Good and good for ya!!! (Side effects may include death and/or nausea.)

It's always a comfort to see that your school has its priorities straight. I mean, there are some schools out there who waste money on silly things, such as a fast and reliable internet connection. But here at JMU, the true needs of the student body are taken care of. For example, people in my dorm can enjoy all the benefits of a non-handicap accessible ramp that runs right into a randomly placed brick wall. Hell, who needs the internet when you got a ramp, right?

Alcohol + climbing a fence = BAD!!

Given enough alcohol, glass bottles and asphalt can constitute an entire night's worth of entertainment. Traffic cones can be a lot of fun too. Come to think of it, if you can break it, kick it, punch it, throw it, knock it over or burn it, it's a potential toy.

The right response to a friend who is sick and throwing up: "Hey, are you alright?" The wrong response to a friend who is sick and throwing up: "Hey, what color is it?"

Back when I was still driving, I passed this one sign that "Slow Children." Well, one day I decided to see if this sign was true. It flagrantly was not! When being chased down a sidewalk by a Thunderbird, those kids can run pretty damn fast!

Procrastination can be a wonderful thing, but it can be overdone. For example, I finally cleaned my room today, even in the deepest, darkest corners that have remained cut off from the rest of the world since August. Big mistake. It seems a host of sentient life forms have sprung up in these regions, and they're quite territorial. Apparently, my cleaning has been considered an act of aggression and will not be tolerated. The green fuzzy shit by the air conditioner has already declared war, and the nomadic dust bunny tribes under my bed and desk are becoming rather agitated. This is going to get real ugly real fast.

You know you've had too much to drink when every step forward you take ends up sending you one step backwards.
At parties, girls have it made. I stood in line for over 15 minutes just to get one cup of beer while I watched several girls get two or three cups refilled as soon as they approached the keg. I'm thinking maybe I should get breast implants. Then I can get beer.

When it's 80some degrees outside, it's nice to own a pair of shorts. Too bad I don't. I mean, I probably wouldn't wear them anyway, but it's nice to have the option.

Beer and home-made chocolate chip cookies are always an excellent birthday gift. Thanks mom.

Turning 19 really is rather pointless when you think about it. When you turn 16, you can drive. When you turn 17 you can see rated R movies. When you turn 18 you can smoke and vote. Turning 20 isn't really special either but you don't have the word "teen" tacked on to your age anymore. It's at least a highly symbolic year. And obviously 21 is important cause you can drink. What do you get when you turn 19? You can buy nitrous oxide in Canada. Woofuckinghoo.

not begien abel to tpye wlle scks.

If it takes you 2 hours to write the first sentence of a history paper, you can be pretty sure the rest of it will be a bitch.

I always feel kind of bad for computer monitors. They really have it rough. How many times have you seen something like this happen? A computer will start acting up and the user will smack the hell out of the monitor and curse it like it was a dog that just pissed on the rug. People, the monitor is just a screen. It does what the computer tells it to do. Don’t kill the messenger.

It's always scary when I come back to my room and find an away message up that was most definitely not the one that I remembered putting up. I imagine it's a lot like waking up after a night of partying and realizing the girl you thought you went home with was a guy. Actually....no, it's probably nothing like that. Nevermind.

People can be really irritating sometimes. Here's an example- at JMU we have this area called The Commons, which is basically a big crossroads that most students need to pass through to get to their classes and back. And wherever there are masses of students, people with flyers will follow. Now don't get me wrong, I'm all in favor of promoting awareness about important issues, but when "promoting awareness" consists of assaulting anything that moves that brightly colored pieces of paper, that just pisses me off. And you have to deal with them on the way back too. And if you tell them you already got one of their flyers, they'll give you a dirty look unless you actually show them, and then they'll let you pass. It's like I'm trying to cross the border into Mexico or something.

Concert reviews aren't bad assignments, cause then you get to write about how much you wanted to bludgeon everyone in the orchestra with a tuba.

I always used to complain how I can't remember my dreams, but I actually remembered one this morning and I wish I didn't. The dream was awesome; I got to get up on stage and sing "Free Will" with Rush and I actually didn't suck. Then I woke up with a headache and remembered that I have a GCOM speech to write today. Reality sucks ass...

Weekends should last for 7 days.

If a place says it has Nattie Light on tap, all that means is that they have a bunch of drunk guys pissing into pitchers in the back. The moral? Drink Icehouse or South Paw. Or hell, even Bud Ice. But for the love of God people, stop drinking the piss beer!

It's pretty cool how a presentation I did for psychology last semester can be transformed into a speech for communications this semester. (Bullshitting- The most useful thing you'll learn how to do in college.)

It's a sad day when air conditioning becomes contraband.

M&Ms and Pringles are in fact a balanced breakfast.

(This edition brought to you by my mom.) Next time you drink, you should carry a bucket with you. (Editor's note: Good call.)

It's not a good party unless you wake up the next morning in a bush. Erik agrees with me, don't you Erik? Heh heh...
Sleeping with a coffee creamer in your pocket....bad idea.

Fraternity= A sacred order of guys who wear ties with baseball hats.

Bright green plaid sportcoats are coming back into fashion. You all just wait and see...

Life's little irritations are a lot like those short, wannabe bad ass guys. You know the ones I mean, the little short guys who always start shit and then run to get their 7', 400 lbs friends to come beat the shit out of you.

It's sad...skunked Icehouse is still better than Nattie Light. And yet college students consume this stuff in inhuman quantities. Ugh, there's no hope for humanity...none.

There's no surer way to wake yourself up in the morning than playing a rousing game of Find The Two Thumb Tacks That Mike Dropped And Lost On The Floor With Your Bare Feet.

(This edition brought to you by Bush.) The more sportsmanlike way of announcing you're winning a game of pool is to say that the game is "tied in your favor."

There's nothing funny about people in wheelchairs...unless you see one of them on the side of the road hitchhiking. Then they're absolutely hilarious.

The funniest prank ever would have to be to break into a pre-school and replace all the blue fingerpaint with woad. (Woad is a psychoactive drug in a blue, paint-like form that the Celts would cover their bodies in before battle, giving them the combined effects of PCP, acid and cocaine. Now picture a three year old smearing it on his or her face. Have you wet yourself from excessive laughter yet?)