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Men
VS Women
It is tough
being a man...
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race,
you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass
and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.
If you thump her, it's wife bashing.
If she thumps you, it's self-defense.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
If you don't, you're a fag.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.
NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN! THEY WANT TO !!!!!.
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Why
are men.....???
1. Why are men such jerks?
It's a testosterone thing. Very similar to your PMS
thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why
do you think the average life span of a male is
typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from
all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)?
Hormones modify behaviour. We're just misunderstood.
2. Why do men always have to stare at other women?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly
think that all the testosterone just fell out of our
bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as
well. Women are just much better at not getting caught.
We're fairly certain it's some sort of photographic
memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorise it
for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we
try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as
we can.
3. Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?
We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and
make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra.
Being in public is just an added bonus.
4. Why do men always say such stupid things?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see
our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well-chosen)
words.
5. Why are men so uncommunicative except with criticism?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time
you open it you get into trouble with your partner.
6. Why do men have to act like such retards?
Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy
it. It's the old-fashioned pride in a job well done that's
missing in so much of the world nowadays.
7. Why can't men just share their feelings?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to
understand that men are different? How are we suppose to
share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel?
Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage,
hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea
how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try
to figure out how I feel
8. Why can't men cuddle more (i.e., lie down and hug)?
Please. . . how many hours do you think there is in a day?
We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides
women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men...
Men hunters . . . Need go roam. ..Starve in cave. . . Must
go find wild beast. Now sitting on our asses for hours on
end, on the other hand, is a whole other story.
9. How can men sit on their asses all day without moving?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles, developed
by evolution, that enable us to sit for extended periods
of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it
was often necessary to sit in one spot for long periods of
time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters
were able to sit very still for very extended periods of
time, thereby passing on this ability to their progeny.
The fidgety types were all gobbled up by sabre-toothed
tigers, etc. The end result is that almost all modern
men are born with this innate ability.
10. Why can't men just say "I love you?"
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self
sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to
saying that we need you. Most consider that a character
fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character
faults.
11. Why do men say "I love you" when they hardly know me?
Ho, Ho, Ho. . . Aren't you special? Well, some men think
it's a sure fire way to get a piece of ass. Surprisingly,
it actually still works quiet well.
12. Why doesn't my partner ever answer me?
We just simply don't have the energy to answer every one
of your silly fucking questions. If we think that you will
not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the
energy for other things.
13. Why are men always such slobs??
It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know
damn well you'll pick up after us.
14. What's with all the belching and farting?
This usually only occurs after months of dating. It's our
way of letting you know that we're comfortable with you.
Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection.
Besides, holding back for extended periods of time gives
us stomach cramps.
15. Why do men hate shopping?
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We
just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who
wants to spend hours and hours looking at things we have
no intention of killing? Err. . . buying!
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Good Bad Ugly
Good: You're pregnant. Bad: It's triplets. Ugly: Your
husband had a vasectomy five years ago.
Good: Your husband is not talking to you. Bad: He wants a divorce. Ugly: He's a
lawyer.
Good: Your son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room. Bad: You find several pornographic
movies hidden there. Ugly: You're in them.
Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He
looks better than you.
Good: You give "the birds and the bees" talk to your 14-year-old
daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections.
Good: Your daughter got a new job. Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are
her best clients. Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do!
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My Wife
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a
little wine, good food and companionship.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in Florida and mine is in NY
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her
way back.
4. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our
anniversary?"
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and
electric bread maker
Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no
place to sit down!"
So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well,
there was water in the carburettor
I asked where the car was,
She told me "In the lake."
8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas.
She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree
now!
9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off...
10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling,
"Am I too late for the garbage?"
The driver said, "No, jump in!"
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Dating
Different Races
American women
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary
position. Then you promise to marry her but will probably abandon the idea.
Japanese women
First date: She's shy, so you don't get to kiss her at all.
Second date: She'll take a bath in front of you and let you smell her
panties.
Third date: You get to have kinky sex with her.
Then she will bid you sayonara as that was her fling before getting married
to a Japanese man.
Malay women
First date: You get to touch that big breast of hers.
Second date: You get to home base with her.
Third date: You have to promise her that you are get circumcised.Then you
will marry her and find out that you have to support her whole family. The
only consolation is that you get to repeat the procedurethree other times
as
allowed under Islam law.
Chinese women
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happened.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive but nothing happened too.
Third date: You have already realised nothing is going to happen.
Indian woman
First date : meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding nite.
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Men Are
Hard To Pleased
The problems with GUYS:
If u TREAT him nicely, he says u are IN LOVE with him;
If u Don't, he says u are PROUD.
If u DRESS Nicely, he says u are trying to LURE him;
If u Don't, he says u are from KAMPUNG.
If u ARGUE with him, he says u are STUBBORN;
If u keep QUIET, he says u have no BRAINS.
If u are SMARTER than him, he'll lose FACE;
If he's Smarter than u, he is GREAT.
If u don't Love him, he tries to POSSESS u;
If u Love him, he will try to LEAVE u.(very true huh?)
If u don't make love with him., he says u don't Love him;
If u do!! he says u are CHEAP.
If u tell him your PROBLEM, he says u are TROBLESOME;
If u don't, he says that u don't TRUST him.
If u SCOLD him, u are like a NANNY to him;
If he SCOLDS u, it is because he CARES for u.
If u BREAK your PROMISE, u Cannot be TRUSTED;
If he BREAKS his, he is FORCED to do so.
If u SMOKE, u are BAD girl;
If he SMOKES, he is GENTLEMENT.
If u do WELL in your exams, he says it's LUCK;
If he does WELL, it's BRAINS.
If u HURT him, u are CRUEL;
If he HURTS u, u are too SENSITIVE!! & sooo hard to please!!!!!
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Interesting new research findings on men and women
1. Tests have shown that women rate 3% higher in general intelligence than
men, although their brain size is smaller. Most women act dumb to make their
mates look good.
2. Women are walking radar
detectors, that is why men have difficulty lying to women. Their brains have
the ability to integrate and decipher verbal, visual and other signals of body
language. Hence women will always be safe when faking an orgasm.
3. Women want lots of sex with the
man she loves. Men just want lots of sex.
4. When men flirt, they will lower
their pitch of voice. Women will raise theirs.
5. Women talk and think aloud
while men do them silently. As a result, men think women talk too much and are
nags
6. Women talk about their problems
as a way of relieving stress. She wants to be heard, not fixed by being
offered advice and solutions.
7. Speech and words are not a
specific brain skill for men. They find it hard to express themselves. That's
why they often choose greeting cards with plenty of words inside. That way,
there's less space for them to write.
8. Women leave men, not because
they are unhappy with what he can provide, but because they are emotionally
unfulfilled.
9. Women uses an average of 20,000
communication words, sounds, and gestures a day. Men only use about 7,000.
10. So if a woman is talking to you a lot, she likes you. But if she's not
talking, you're in trouble.
11. Men are more thick-skinned
than women, literally. Which explains why women have more wrinkles than men.
Boys lose their sensitivity to touch by the time they reach puberty. So where
does all that sensitivity go? It all goes to just one area.
12. If a woman is unhappy in her relationship, she can't concentrate on her
work. If a man is unhappy at work, he can't focus on his relationship.
13. Men can only do one thing at a
time. When they stop their car to read a street directory, they have to turn
down the radio. Women's brains are configured for multi-tasking performance.
They can talk on the phone, watch the TV and cook at the same time.
14. Most men get a brain
haemorrhage after 20 minutes of clothes shopping.
15. When it comes to sex, women
need a reason; men need a place.
16. 15% to 20% of men have
feminised brains. About 10% of women have masculinised brains. So there are
more gays than lesbians in the world.
17. Most women prefer sex with the
lights off because they can't bear to see a man enjoying himself. Men like the
lights on - so they can get the woman's name right.
18. The women have no testicles,
and the reason is quite simple : testicles are delivered as a full set,
together with the brain.
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Positive Things About Men & Women
Let's start with the Ladies:
Women are compassionate, and loving, and caring.
Women cry when they are happy.
Women are always doing little things to show they care.
They will stop at nothing to get what they think is best for their children
(best school, best prom dress, best dentist)
Women have the ability to keep smiling when they are so tired they can hardly
stand up.
They know how to turn a simple meal into an occasion.
Women know how to get the most for their money
They know how to comfort a sick friend.
Women bring joy and laughter to the world.
The know how to entertain children for hours on end!
They are honest and loyal.
Women have a will of iron under that soft exterior.
They will go the extra mile to help a friend in need.
Women are easily brought to tears by injustice.
They know how to make a man feel like a king.
Women make the world a much happier place to live.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Now, for the Men:
Men are good at moving heavy things and killing spiders.
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Before & After Marriage
Before marriage.. I die for you.
After marriage.You die, up to you.
Before marriage.. You go
anywhere..I follow you.
After marriage...You go
anywhere..up to you.
Before wedding -
"you are my
heart, you are my love"
After wedding - "you get on
my nerves."
Before wedding - "you are sweet and
kind just like Cinderella"
After wedding - "you are worse than
godzila."
Before wedding - Roses are red,
violets are blue, Like it or not, I'm stuck with you
After wedding -
Roses
are dead, I am blue, You get on my head, I will sue you
Before wedding -
Every meal
he brings you to Shangri-La
After wedding - You want to
go, he says you wait-la
Before wedding -
She looks
like Anita Sarawak
After wedding - Don't know
whether katak or biawak
Before wedding -
He opens the
car door
After wedding - He opens his
mouth and snores
Before wedding -
She / he was
your ideal
After wedding - She / he
becomes your ordeal
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Women !!
If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman.
If you don't, you are not a man.
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying.
If you don't, you are good for nothing.
If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp.
If you don't, you are not understanding
If you visit her often, she thinks it is boring
If you don't, she accuses you of
double-crossing
If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy
If you don't, you are a dull boy
If you are jealous, she says it's bad
If you don't, she thinks you do not love her
If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her
If you don't, she thinks you do not like her
If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait
If she is late, she says that's a girl's way
If you visit another man, you're not putting in "quality
time"
If she is visited by another woman, "oh it's natural, we are girls"
If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are
cold
If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking
advantage
If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of
flirting
If she is stared by other men, she says that they are just
admiring
If you talk, she wants you to listen
If you listen, she wants you to talk
In short:
So simple, yet so complex
So weak, yet so powerful
So confusing, yet so
desirable
So damning, yet so
wonderful...........WithOutMEN!
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Love and Marriage
1.. Love is holding hands in the street,
marriage is holding arguments in the street.
2.. Love is dinner for 2 in your favourite restaurant,
marriage is a Chinese take-away.
3.. Love is cuddling on a sofa,
marriage is deciding on a sofa.
4.. Love is talking about having children,
marriage is talking about getting away from children.
5.. Love is going to bed early,
marriage is going to sleep early.
6.. Love is a romantic drive,
marriage is a tarmac drive.
7.. Love is losing your appetite,
marriage is losing your figure.
8.. Love is sweet nothing in the ear,
marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.
9.. Love is a flickering flame,
marriage is a flickering television.
10.. Love is 1 drink and 2 straws,
marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough?"
11.. Love is staying awake all night holding each other
marriage is staying awake all night holding an argument
12.. Love is driving to 'lovers lane'
marriage is driving to the supermarket
13.. Love is not being together enough
marriage is being together too long
14.. Love is skipping work to be close to her
marriage is working overtime to keep away from her
15.. Love is an overactive hormone level
marriage is hormone replacement therapy
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LOVE EQUATIONS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman = affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage
-- this can also be translated to a work situation --
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
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Men
The nice men are ugly.
The handsome men are not nice.
The handsome and nice men are gay.
The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only
after their money.
The handsome men without money are after our money.
The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we
are beautiful enough.
The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and
have money, are cowards.
The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank
God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!
The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we
take the initiative.
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