Monkees For Sale
By T'Monkeelover

1

Mike nesmith, Mikcy Dolenz, Davy Jones and Peter Tork were sitting around their Pad wondering what to do. They had no money bcause Davy, as usual, had spent all their cash on hair care products. They wouldn't be able to pay there rent, and they were running out of food. What could they do? None of them could get jobs since they spent all their time rehersing their band, and anyway their hair was too long. Then Amy came in through the door.

"Hi guys what is up?'

"Amy we need money and we don't know what to do!" Davy screamed and then ran into the bathroom crying.

"Now look what you did" Micky said

"I know what you can do to earn some money Amy said.

"Me and my friends do it all the time. It's easy and you don't have to work real hard."

"Tell us Amy!" Mike Nesmith shouted!

"well, you know that there are girls who get paid to have sex."

The guys looked at each other because they knew too well about that. That was the other reason why they never had any money. "what are you saying amy?" micky asked.

"You all could do that too. Get paid to have sex. I can help you get started" Amy was thinking about what her cut would be.

"I don't know about this" Mike said. "What if the customers are ugly?"

"Come on Mike, we really need the money. You can keep your eyes closed," Peter said helpfully.

OK we'll do it!" the guys said in unison (Davy said it from the bathroom, where he could hear everything they were saying.

"There's just one little catch. Your customers won't be women. They'll be... MEN."

2

It was as if they were in such shock over what Amy had just told them that they couldn't say anything. Then as if they were one, the others all turned unison to their leader Mike Nesmith.

"What should we do Mike?"

"I'm not sure" he replied scratching his head through his wool cap. "We do need the money.. "

"I bet the Beatles never had to do something like this" said Peter.

"Maybe when they were in 'Amburg" said Davy.

Amy smiled wishing she had been in Hamburg with Paul McCartney even if he didn't have a Beatle haircut then.

"Have any of you ever had sex with a man?" asked Mike. "No" "No" No" "Its easy" Amy interrected "you can practice on each other ."

The four Monkees looked at each other wondering what it would be like and who. All of them hoped they would get the smallest Monkee because he was almost just like a girl.

"No I dont think we need to practice" said Mike. "I didn't need to practice to do it with a girl" Micky grinned trying to add a note of humor to the tense moment but Mike thought it was a good point.

"Good point, Micky. Ok its settled. After we finished playing at the club tonight we can pick out our street corners."

Then they laughed and punched each other while Amy ordered pizza.

Late that night Davy was still awake unable to sleep with worry. He had listened to the other Monkees cry themselves to sleep because deep down they didn't want to be hookers. *What can I do* he thought? *Blimey this is tricky.* None of the other Monkees knew that their friend Davy Jones had been a hooker on the mean streets of Mayfair before he came to Los Angeles. He had even blown Shaun Connery once and got a nice tip. Davy smiled as he remembered 007. *I was really good at it and I never got arrested. My mates who were also 'ookers used to call me Dodger. But I never wanted Mike, Micky, and, Petah to know about that so I never told them. But now if I don't tell them they will all try to be 'ookers and they don't want to be.*

He got out of bed and put on the hotpants and cowboy boots that he had saved from his Mayfair days for sentimentel reasons. Then, he snuck down the twisted stairs glad that they still fit and he looked hot in them .

Lots of musicians don't take care of themselves and get all yucky so when you finally see them naked you're disappointed but you have to act like you're not. Not Davy-he likes to please his fans.

He wrote a note and left. Dear Mike Micky and Petah, You don't 'ave to be 'ookers. I can make enough money for all of us. Your mate, Davy Jones P.S. I will be 'ome in time for re'earsal.

3

"Mike! Mickey! PETAH! What are you doing here?!??!?!???!?!?" cried Davy!

All the Monkees ware standing on the beach. They were looking at each other in shock. Wild waves wildly pounded the beach behind them. Mike had put on his cleanest Jockey underwear and wasn't wearing anything but that and his wool cap. Petah was wearing his cleanest jockey underwear too but also a bra some girl had thrown up on stage. And he was wering pink high heels and had a daisy in his teeth. Mickey was waring some underwere thing he had made out of a sheepskin rug and somewhare he had found some fishnet stockings. He had painted flowers around his nippels too. And on his face. And was waring a peace medallion.

"Mickey you idiot! Get rid of that medallion! No one will hire you looking like that!" Mickey drew himself up to his full height. "How would you know?" Davey went white as a cheap and his lower lip began to quiver. Mike said "ha ha come on now guys" and playfully they all punched eachother a little again.

"Davy, we thought you were at home asleep. We were going to go out and make some money because we couldn't sleep because we were worried about you and we decided that you shouldn't have to do this." their leader, Mike Nesmith, said. "Didn't you get our note?"

Davy thought about all the pieces of paper back at the Pad and wondered which one was their note. He just shook his head and his lower lip quivered . How could he tell the other Monkees about his secret past as a hooker on the dark and windy streets of Mayfair? How could he disapoint Amy if she knew? The thought of disapointting Amy crossed his mind and his lips quivered some more. They looked at each other some more. Wild waves still wildly pounded the beach behind them some more. Nobody knows what to say.

"LOOK!" All the Monkees swilveled around and in unison gasp. William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, DeForest Kelley and Mr. Ed were walking up the beach toward them, and they were all in costume! (Mr. Ed has a hat on.) "It's William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, DeForest Kelley and Mr. Ed!" "Quick guys look casual." All the Monkees fell on their backs and stuck their feet in the air screaming. William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, DeForest Kelley and Mr. Ed stopped and look at them.

"Captain, those are life forms."

"Dammit, Spock, you green-blooded pointy-eared...I'm the doctor around here and I'll say what's a life form and what's not!"

"Bones!"

"Well, Jim, I'd say they're life forms all right.

Spock would know that if he just paid a little more attention to his emotions. And we wouldn't have been thrown back in time and space and who knows, maybe into another universe."

"Doctor, I..."

"Whree-hee-hee! The furry one is sexy!" Mr. Ed gallops over to the Monkees. "Hi boys. What are nice guys like you doing on a beach like this?"

All the Monkees sit up. "You talk!"

"Of course! I'm a horse." Mr. Ed sidles up to Mickey. "Wanna go for a ride?"

All the Monkees look at each other. Davy leansed over to Mickey and whispered something to him. "Uh, sure," says Mickey! "I charge $20 an hour though."

Davy rolled his eyes and clenched his littlest Monkee fists. That wasn't what he told Mickey to charge. Mr. Ed pawed the sand and bobbed his head and then he whinnied. "Get up and I'll show you where I keep my wallet!"

Mickey jumps on Mr. Ed's back and they gallopped off into the dunes. The other Monkees looked at each other.

"Why would he keep his wallet in the sand dunes?"Mike and Davy punched Peter. "You idiot!"

"Say boys, if you're not doing anything..."

They spun around a couple of times. William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy and DeForest Kelley were STANDING RIGHT THERE!

"William Shatner! Leonard Nimoy! DeForest Kelley!" The remaining Monkees stood starring in shock. "Wow, we watch your show all the time!"

"Fascinating." Said Spock.

This must be the greeting on this planet."

Davy began to cry. Mike got mad and glared at Mr. Spock. "Now look what you did! It's all your fault. You should have lied to him."

"Vulcans cannot lie."

"WAAAH!"

Kirk stepped forward. "Look, if it'll make you feel any better, we can go make love and I'll give you my communicator."

"Jim! The Prime Directive!"

"It doesn't make any differents, we're in an alternate universe anyway so no one will know. We might as well have a good time. Besides, this might be what we need to do to get back to our own time and universe."

He turned back to Mike. "How about it, big guy? You and me, the blond one for Bones, and Mr. Spack gets the little cute one?"

"Captain!"

"Okay," Said Mike Nesmith. "But we really need some money so we can pay the rent on the Pad and get some new amps."

"Okay." said Captain Kirk. So they all paired up and wakled behind some sand dunes. Behind them the wild waves wildly pounded away, away on the beach, away...

Little did any of the Monkees know that by this time tomorrow, they would all be pregnant.

4

Amy staggers over the dunes in her cheap plastic pink high heels and wishes she did drugs. She spots Davy, way overdressed for the beach and yells his name.

"DAVY."

Nothing happens. She screams again at the gold and black clad figure. "DAAAAAAAVY!"

He stops, he turns, he looks at her. She waves. He waves back.

The end No wait. Fuck. Where was I? He stops, he turns, he looks at her. She waves. He waves back. Right.

Waving her arms, Amy runs up to the smallest Monkee or petit Monkee, as she thinks of him after her Armenian class.

"Daaaavy, Daaaavy," she chants, very much wantingly to know how much they got as prostitues so she can get her cut and go buy some Keds. "Daaaavy, Daaaa.....?" She skids to a halt in the sand. "You're not Davy!"

"No, miss, I am not," the shaggy brown haired boy said in a thick and foreign accent. "I am Ensign Pavel A. Chekov."

"I'm Amy!"

"Wery nice to meet you. Have you seen Mr. Spock?"

"Who?"

"Mr. Spock."

"Who?"

"Mr. Spock."

"No."

"No, Mr. Spock; not Mr. No."

"Dr. No?"

"Who?"

"Dr. No?"

"No."

"No, No?"

"Nyet."

"Da, Dobja, Ruzumium."

"Gdje est Gospodin Spock?"

"Ne viem."

"Merci."

"De rein."

"So," Amy says. "You're Italian?"

"No, Russian."

"Oh," Amy thinks about this. She hates that. Thinking. "Do you know Rudolph Nuryev?"

"He dated my brother Piotr for a while."

"Oh. Shhhhhhh! Listen!"

Quickisly they cocked with pert pink ears, hearing loud moaning and groaning from the other side of the sand dune, they went there.

"MR. SPOCK!"

Amy flings herself wildishly onto her knees in the sand in front of Davy. "What are you charging him for this?"

"Mmlsjdotnlnsldlkhdi," Davy groans sexishly.

"MR. SPOCK!"

"Mr. Chekov?"

"MR. SPOCK!" [gratuitous scream] An icy hand seems to grip Chekov's heart. "What are you doing?"

"Sodomizing Davy Jones of the Monkees."

"Oh." Chekov thinks about this. He hates that. Thinking. "Why?"

Spock thinks about this. He hates that. Explaining anything to Chekov. He decides to come first. He comes and pulls out. "Because James T. Kirk told me to." He zips up.

"What?"

"What, what, Chekov?"

"James T. Kirk told you to... to...."

"Sodomize?"

"To sodomize Davy Jones of the Monkees?"

"Yes."

"You didn't pick him?"

"No." Spock tosses a $20 next to Davy's shaggy brown head and stands up.

"He looks familiar somehow," Chekov murmurs.

"'ello mate," Davy sighs. Davy looks at him beggingly. "You next?"

Chekov starts to say something but Spock said, "Come, Mr. Chekov," and they leave.

"Where are the others?" Amy asks Davy Jones, helps him to his feet.

"Somewhere," he says. "Somewhere in the dunes."

5

As they walked quietly across the dunes looking for Michael Nesmith, Mickey Dolenz, and Peter Tork, Amy was very quiet. "Why are you so quiet 'oney?" asks the littlest Monkee. She smiled and said "I'm not being quiet." She tried to smile but it was hard because she knew a secret no one else knew because when Davy took her home to meet his mother she told her somthing and made her promise to always keep it quiet because it was something Davy was never allowed to know because it would hurt him too much.

Amy's lip trembled when she saw Mr. Chekov look longlingly at Davy. Davy looked longlingly at Mr. Chekov. Stars twirled in Davy's eyes, and stars twirl in Chekov's eyes, too. She walked very slowing as she watched them until they started holding hands.

Finally she jumped to her feet yelling across the dunes. "I can't keep my secret any longer!"

All three men turned to her with their mouths open in shock. Even Mr. Spock gave her his secret shocked look, one that she knew the other two men could not see.

"You 'ave a secret?" asked the little Englishman.

"Yes! You're mother told me when you took me to visit her last summer!"

"Groovy." Said the little Englishman.

"Bozhe moi!" said the little Russian.

"Fascinating" said the tall slim Vulcan.

"Davy... your mother was really not your mother."

Davy's eyes filled with tears. "Me dear old mum?" His eyes could no longer hold the tears that spiled down his rosy cheeks. "She lied to me all through all my years when I was just a wee lad growing up in England?"

"Yes! She... She..." Amy stopped and swalowed. She looked at Davy's trusting eyes with a lump that made her throat hurt. "She..." Amy closed her eyes, then she opened her eyes. She had kept this secret for too long, only her knowing not even Michael Nesmith who was always the boss of the Monkees and always knowing everyone's secrets, even Amy's secrets when she told him her deepest feelings.

"She..." Amy closed her eyes again, but she knew that there was no stopping the words that flew from her mouth like the birds flying overhead and the flies buzing around a dead fish at her feet. She could smell the dead fish, and she thought that it was the right smell to be smelling while she told a secret that smelled just as bad.

"She..." She opened her eyes again, and her hands turned into fists and took a deep breath. "She bought you from the gypsies. Many, many years ago, she and your father learned that they could have no more than eighteen children. They desperately wanted another, and they began corresponding with gypsies in Russia. The gypsies had two twin boys, but they were too poor to feed them. Your parents went to Russia and bought you."

"You mean... You mean..." Davy could hardly talk because he is hicuping through his tears. He never looked younger or more adorable and it was as if Amy wanted to throw her arms around him and kiss away his tears.

Chekov looked at his hand where it was now carressing Davy's cute round firm Monkee butt, and he let out a huge scream.

"That's right, Davy," Amy said in the shocked silence as the wild waves pound wildly in the distance. "You have a twin brother, and I think that he is Mr. Chekov."

6

The screaming in Russian abruptly stopped providing ample silence for everybody who was close by to hear Chekov's throaty whisper, "My brother!"

Davy was flummoxed on top of being discombobulated when the lusty Russian heartily kissed him on both cheeks before gripping him in the tightest bear hug ever.

Wedging a knee between Davy's legs, Pavel intoned, "Did you not know that incest is best? Specifically Russian incest, since we did it before anyone else."

Amy saw which way the wind was blowing and promptly fainted in Mr. Spock's direction. Being a Vulcan, a Starfleet officer without direct orders, and a raging queen, he did not catch her and she hit the sand hard causing instant and total amnesia, which would last for many moons.

At that very moment hoofbeats were heard on the rising wind and soft moans wafted over sundry sand dunes. Mr. Ed whizzed by, dumping Mickey into a quivering heap at Mr. Spock's feet, narrowly missing Amy, before orgasmically sprouting wings and becoming airborne.

Kirk, Mike, Bones, and Peter popped up from behind their large lumps of sand, one with kelp strategically placed around wrists and ankles, and watched the Pegasus wannabe fly off into the sunset.

Davy looked at Bones then at the seaweed draped around Peter and cried, "What have you done to him?"

The Enterprise's Chief Medical officer replied testily, "I had to hog-tie him so he'd cooperate."

"No-o!" Davy's tears morphed into a miniature waterfall.

His new brother, Pavel, gently heaved him over his shoulder saying, "Hush. Pavel will take care of you." They then disappeared in the general direction of the Pad.

Kirk said, "Well now that they're gone, let's get back to business."

"I want that communicator you promised me!" demanded Mike.

"And you shall have it...as soon as you assume the position ONE MORE TIME!"

Peter tried to escape the Doctor but could not fight his way out of the seaweed. The bulbous, salty, ocean salad in his mouth kept him from screaming for help, but then he realized there was no one who could help him. They were all in a jam. If only Amy would wake up.

Spock looked down at Mickey and decided a mind-meld would be the best way to find out just what Mr. Ed was truly capable of and where he hid his wallet. His fingers encountered sand at every meld point practically guaranteeing a rough entry. "My thoughts to your...."

EPILOGUE--Nine months later

Amy woke up at her hovel just down the beach from the Pad only to find a basket of infants on her doorstep. They all looked very familiar, even the one with pointy ears and a tail.

She smiled as she realized she had a set of Monkees for her very own.

The End