+I stand with my back against the wall, staring at him. Staring at him as he sits at the edge of my bed and stares at the floor. I can tell there his something on his mind. Probably wondering what just happened outside. If I were him, I’d be confused as hell, too. Yet, the room is a dark, eerie quiet. Almost too quiet… I wonder what is in his mind when my thoughts are interrupted by his voice+

Josh: Do you want to talk about it?

+ He asks, still staring at the floor. I can hear the concern in his voice+

Angel: I’d rather not.

+ I reply, still shaken by my sudden flashbacks+

Josh: I understand if you don’t. I just want to understand what happened out there.

+ His voice becomes more and more concerned+

Angel: I know, but…it’s all too much.

+ I say, fighting against tears. I feel as though the more I discuss it, the more I’ll regret+

Josh: Angel…+ Stands up and walks over to me+ I don’t want you to feel as though you can’t tell me these things.

+ I’m instantly engulfed in his presence. He stands over me with an expression of desperate understanding. I still can’t stare into his eyes. I can’t get over how much he reminds me of Justin like this. Of course, Justin was never this caring +

Josh: We’ve been through so much in the little time we’ve spent together. Our relationship has survived something that would have destroyed other couples.

+ The pitch in his voice, the intensity in his eyes. It’s as if Josh as become a carbon copy of Justin+

Josh: Feel free to tell me your problems.

+ I look at the ceiling to break the stare. His resemblance to Justin is more than I can stand right now.+

Angel: It’s just that I don’t want to tell, what I don’t wanna remember.

+ I have no choice but to stare into his eyes. They have the warmth of Josh but the coldness of Justin’s gaze+

Josh: It’s all right.

+ His face contorts back and forth from Josh to Justin, Josh to Justin. I break away from the wall, walking past Josh and over to the window. I clasp my hands onto the wall and stare out at the scene from which it all began. I feel myself hyperventilating+

Josh: Angel, are you ok?

Angel: Y-Yes.

+ I lie, terribly. I can tell he knows I’m not ok. He walks over and caresses my shoulder with a firm squeeze. He turns me around to face him +

Angel: Josh, I think I need to be left alone for today. I’m not feeling to well.

+ I don’t want him to leave but, one side of me does. I really want him to stay and help me+

Josh: I understand.

+ I can’t tell with the expression on his face if he really does or if he is hurt or not by my words or actions. He kisses me softly and walks towards the door. He walks out of the door and closes it behind him. I look down, savoring the whisker traces of the kiss. I run up to the door, throw my back against it causing a sickeningly loud thud and I sink to the ground holding my sides. I smooth the hair out of my face and sigh. I can’t help but feel bad. I feel like apologizing. For what, I am unsure +

:: What is wrong with me? I have something good in front of me, and I just treat it badly. I have something bad in front of me and I treat it as if it’s good ::

+I get up, and sit down on my bed. It’s getting late so I decide to get ready for bed. That is if I can go to sleep. I stand up and proceed to walk towards the bathroom. I undress in almost no time and step into the hot, steamy shower. I just stand there and let the water run down me and think of the day that just kept taking different twists and turns.+

:: I think about how I’m so quick to apologize. How weak I am. How I allow myself to be taken advantage of. How I let the world rule me. How Justin has ruined my life and continues to.

Justin left me scarred in many ways. Most of them a mental way. Justin and Josh are completely different. Yet, they are completely the same. Both have their demons. Both look the same in appearance. But Josh is not Justin and I am not what I used to be…

It’s true, I am a caring-sharing individual. I do believe that gets the best of me. I’ve always had a problem of having large amounts of compassion. Always, helping others, caring about others, being manipulated and taken advantage of. The thing is compassion + naïve= pathetic. Always the one to be caring and boost self-esteem for others when I truly have none left of my own. People say I’m modest but the truth is, I can’t help it. I’ve been brainwashed into believing I’m not good enough. I can’t please anyone. I’m never gonna be anything more than that pathetic little girl clinging on to something that’s been long gone ::

+ I turn off the water and wrap myself in a towel as I step out the shower. I walk across the foggy room to the steam-covered mirror. I wipe off the mirror and stare at myself. It’s like I’m staring at a different me. I can’t recognize myself anymore. I dry off and dress in a tankini and some loose fitting pajama pants. I brush my teeth and climb into bed and click off my lamp. I stare the darkened ceiling and how much it looks different. How I myself am always changing into things just to please people. How my life is a horrible vision of what it was. I drift off to sleep hoping tomorrow will be better+