Your Child is an Honor Student…Whoopty-damn-doo

EXT. COUNTRY ROAD – NIGHT

Rainy, lonely, ONE WAY road. The sky is a gray, fluffy mass. Lush trees and healthy, green grasses and weeds enclose alongside the road, hiding it. The road itself is elevated, built on top of a hill, with a steel fence to offer some weak form of protection. A silver ’77 Chevy Nova BARRELS down it, eating up the road like spaghetti.

CUT TO:
The car’s front license plate. It’s obviously a vanity plate. It reads “U SCREAM”.

CUT TO:
A rear bumper sticker. It reads: “Your Child is an Honor Student…Whoopty-damn-doo".

CUT TO:
The interior of the car. Angel is at the wheel, hands at 9 and 3, Demonica is in the passenger's seat drawing on a map, and some ‘60’s light pop song is provides a soothing serenade through the car’s audio system. They’re already engaged in conversation.

ANGEL
I don’t know. I’ve been more partial to the first one. The third was too kitschy with all the special effects and dialogue. It’s better than the sequel, though. Too much of a remake.

DEMONICA
Yeah, but without all those whiny people. Just Ash and a chainsaw stabbing bitches in the bubble bath. You know who we sound like? Reese. Why didn’t you bring him?

ANGEL
Reese?

DEMONICA
No, fuckin’ Mr. Bubbles. Yeah, Reese.

ANGEL
Why would I bring him?

DEMONICA
Isn’t he supposed to be your beau?

ANGEL
(with a slight, nervous laugh)
What? What would make you say that?

DEMONICA
Oh, don’t tell me you don’t think about it.

ANGEL
I…

DEMONICA
Those glasses, the stubble…those luscious brown eyes crying, “You want me, take me”…the way he touches you. And I don’t mean you as in, everyone--plural form “you”, I mean you.

ANGEL
(blushing)
Well, I don’t know anything about that.

DEMONICA
No? Oh, well, I was just throwing it out there.

ANGEL
Hmm. Anyway, I did extend an invitation to him, but he told me that he’d already made arrangements to spend the holidays with his family.

CUT TO:
The Gecko Household - Dining room. Everyone’s enjoying the Christmas spread, produced by Mama Gecko, and participating in their side conversations. REESE is packing his jaws to bursting. MAMA GECKO sits next to him, with subtle motherisms.

MAMA GECKO
Slow down, dear. You must take time enjoy your food.

REESE
I am enjoying my food; that’s why I’m eating it so fast. In some cultures, it’s a tribute to the chef.

He takes a drink.

MAMA GECKO
Ok, dear.

A beat.

MAMA GECKO
Have you met a nice girl, yet?

Reese nearly spits back into his glass.

REESE
MA!

CUT TO:
Angel and Demonica.

ANGEL
And as far as girlfriends go, he already has one.

DEMONICA
Really?

ANGEL
Oh, yeah.

DEMONICA
Well, I’ve never heard mention of her before.

ANGEL
That’s because she lives in Canada.

DEMONICA
Oh.

A moment. Demonica’s eyes widen with realization.

DEMONICA
(knowingly)
Oh. Canada. I see, I see.

ANGEL
What?

DEMONICA
Come on! “The Canadian Girlfriend” is a myth perpetuated by nerds and geeks alike ever since The Breakfast Club.

ANGEL
No, really. He showed me a picture of her and everything.

DEMONICA
Ok, ok. Sure.

It’s quiet for awhile. Angel’s driving and thinking and Demonica’s gone back to her drawing. After a few beats, Angel looks over at Demonica and then back to the road.

ANGEL
Why are you drawing on the map?

DEMONICA
I don’t have any paper.

ANGEL
Oh, so, our safety is of lesser importance than your need to doodle?

DEMONICA
We’re just going to Sarah’s house. You’ve been there before.

ANGEL
I’ve been there before on the highway. It’s not until recently that some genius decided to take the scenic route that I’ve had to remember.

DEMONICA
Well, I’m sorry if I wanted us to get their sooner. Y’know, we aren’t the only people trying to get somewhere for the holidays. Just remember to thank me when we don’t get in a traffic jam.

ANGEL
Why are you in such a rush to get there? I thought you hated Sarah.

DEMONICA
Oh, I do. I’m not above gettin’ presents from her, though.

ANGEL
Huh.

Demonica starts tuning radio stations.

ANGEL
Wait, turn back.

DEMONICA
No.

ANGEL
C’mon, turn back.

DEMONICA
No. As music supervisor of this tour, I say nay.

ANGEL
Music supe…? Change the station!

This starts a slap fight. Angel’s still looking at the road, but as she gets into it, she starts to pay more attention to the fight. Demonica looks up, down again and then promptly back up.

DEMONICA
What are these jackholes thinkin’?

ANGEL
What? What are you talking about?

CUT TO:
A white van SWERVING SEVERELY on the road, coming in the OPPOSITE direction. It stops swerving, but doesn’t decrease in velocity.

DEMONICA
They’re coming straight at us!

ANGEL
Why is it, that in situations such as this, people must always state the obvious?

DEMONICA
Maybe, saying it out loud will help them realize it in their head, so that they may strategize a way out.

ANGEL
(thoughtfully)
I never thought of it that way.

DEMONICA
Hey, why don’t we just swerve out of the way?

CUT TO:
The van, a hulking beast, steadily advancing their car, a sheep before the butcher. Suddenly, just before impact, the van veers off, through the fence barrier, TOPPLING over the side of the hill. Angel stops the car and they both get out of the car to watch it as it rolls, non stop.

ANGEL
Oh, lordy.

CUT TO:
The truck, rolling, rolling, rolling.

ANGEL
Maybe…we should call for help.

DEMONICA
Unless we’ve got a direct line to the Harlem Globetrotters, nothing’s gunna save them now.

CUT TO:
The truck loses momentum and slows to a stop, RIGHT SIDE UP.

ANGEL
Oh, that ended well.

CUT TO:
The van EXPLODES into a brilliant show of fire and wreckage.

CUT TO:
Angel and Demonica, standing aghast. Angel holds up a finger as if to say something, but Demonica just grabs her and HALF-DRAGS her back to the car.

CUT TO:
Demonica opening the driver’s side door and SHOVING her sis into the passenger’s seat. After she makes it in, Demonica rushes in, slams the door, pulls out a cigarette, lights it and starts the car’s ignition, all in one fluid motion. After the car’s resurrection, it takes off for all it’s worth.

They’re quiet for a long time; an old country song leaves them to their thoughts. Angel reaches back for her designated seat belt and clicks it in without looking. She taps Demonica and points to her seat belt, she does the same.

After the song goes off, Angel switches the radio off before the DJ can cue the next one. They both seem to have a thousand-yard stare fixed forward. Without warning, Demonica erupts.

DEMONICA
(like a kid)
FUCK, that was cool!


Dark Town Strutters

EXT. DESERTED STREET SIDEWALK – NIGHT

There’s an old, ragged moon in the sky, acting as spotlight. It’s a clear night. Angel and Demonica walk down the sidewalk, so that street lights act as flashlights. Angel's at least a two feet or less in front of Demonica. Angel's got her hands in her hoodie pockets, Demonica's arms are crossed and she's smoking. They approach a building with a gentleman standing near the entrance of it. He’s lit only by a street light overhead. He calls out to Angel as they approach.

GENTLEMAN

Excuse me, ma'am? How'd you like to feel my balls slapping against your ass?

Angel doesn't even flinch. She continues walking. He watches her walk off, but doesn't notice Demonica, who's approaching him.

GENTLEMAN

(to Angel)

And I’ll take your panties as a souvenir.

Quickly, she extends an arm, SNATCHES his face and SHOVES him, HURLING him, head first into the brick wall of the building.


YOU HATE PEOPLE!
But, I love gatherings. Isn’t it ironic?

EXT. SARAH’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Modestly majestic suburban home with a façade of cheery, bright and blinking Christmas decorations. Snow blankets the roof, as well as the lawn. Despite the veneer of warm, inviting togetherness, as with all of Suburbia, there’s always something far darker bubbling under the surface.

INT. SARAH’S HOUSE – NIGHT

If the exterior would be any indicator, looks are deceiving, for the interior is awfully wide and equally as grandiose. The living room acts as a dance floor, crowded with movers, shakers and berserkers. Wallflowers are in full bloom, standing around out of boredom or just plain shyness; others stand around talking and nursing drinks. The living room is encased by stair cases on both sides, leading to the bathrooms and bedrooms.

CUT TO:
Angel and MIA walk down a corridor. Mia is a young woman, in her early to mid twenties, dressed in the height of the fashion of our day, would be a Plain Jane if not so trendy. They’re in the middle of a conversation with Mia manning the helm. Angel listens as they walk, but looks around, often distracted. She nods and gestures at the appropriate times.

MIA
(rapidly, coherent)
So, he has a girlfriend, and they’ve been together a long time, but he flirts a lot anyway. He found out that I like him, but the thing is, that I don’t like him like I used to, y’know. I just want a friendship. He’s not one of those guys, though. Sure, he’s got a nice face, nice body, charisma and such, but that’s only fun for a little while and I want fun…that’s long lasting, y’know? It’s not like we have a lot in common…I’m more of an arts person: movies, music, writing and he’s all sports and…sports. That doesn’t go. Anyway, he still thinks I like him, I can tell. Seeing as how I don’t, I just have to convince him of it. But, I can’t come out and say it, because that’d just be weird. So, I’m thinking I’ll pay a guy to be my “boyfriend”, people will see us, rumors’ll flow and he’ll get the message. Why do you think?

ANGEL
Oh, it’s definitely your way out.

MIA

Really?

Angel rolls her eyes, but Mia doesn’t notice.

ANGEL
Well, just because you have someone, doesn’t mean you’re over him. You could’ve just…settled for less. He may not be fully convinced.

MIA
Yeah, but, that just means we’ll have to turn up the PDA.

CUT TO: Demonica, holding a red, plastic cup on the dance floor looking at everyone. A guy holding a digital, hand-held camera approaches her from behind. This is GEORGE and he’s zeroing in.

GEORGE

Hey, there.

DEMONICA
(turning around)
Look, cumwad, I said I didn’t want to…

She sees it’s him.

DEMONICA

Oh, it’s you.

GEORGE

Rough night?

DEMONICA
(Nods)
Yeah. What’s with the camera? You makin’ another documentary?

GEORGE

No, I’m going around getting everyone’s New Year’s Resolutions, but with all the extra footage I’m getting, I’ll probably end up blackmailing a few people.

DEMONICA

Ah.

GEORGE

So, resolution, how ‘bout it?

DEMONICA

To be more friendly…patient. Let go of grudges…and to take up the cello.

GEORGE
Interesting, interesting.

Demonica takes a sip of her drink and comes up with a grimace.

DEMONICA

Ugh. Is this Moron 5?

GEORGE

Are you kidding? Maroon 5 is the best band out today.

DEMONICA
(laughing)
Don’t make me choke you.

CUT TO :
Angel leaning over the banister of the upstairs, looking down at all the mayhem and merrymakers.

VOICE
No way to ring in the New Year.

Angel jumps.

ANGEL

Hello?

A young man slinks out from behind a door, like a vampire. He’s tall, weird hair, glasses. He voice is low and heavy, yet sophisticated; often disenchanted and nonchalant.

GUY
I’m sorry, I didn’t know anyone was out here.

He comes over to the banister and looks down.

GUY

I was just remarking how lame this place is and how sorry I am for the jackals down there.

ANGEL

Oh. Well, why are you here?

He sighs.

GUY

Well, it was either this or staying home again with television specials.

He sighs.

GUY
I just wanted to know how the other half lives. I’m Donovan, by the way.

He extends for her to shake, which she does.

ANGEL

Pleased to meet you, Donovan. I’m Angel.

DONOVAN

Hmm. So, what’s your excuse?

ANGEL

Well, I ran out of ideas. I didn’t have any plans set, and I’m a terrible liar, so…

The ensuing silence is filled only by the end of a song. Another one starts, Donovan sighs heavily.

DONOVAN

Who picked this music? Carson Daly?

ANGEL
Well, what would you prefer?

DONOVAN
Anything with a grownup singing. I feel like I tripped and fell into a teen movie.

ANGEL

Eh, I’m partial.

DONOVAN
(sarcastically)

This is way better than any primetime line up. I can’t believe I’m missing the Horror Channel’s Scream Bloody Murder Marathon. They’re showing the first Evil Dead, uncut.

ANGEL

Oh, really? I haven’t seen that movie in forever.

Silence.

ANGEL
I heard they’re thinking of making a crossover with Ash, Freddy and Jason.

DONOVAN
Blasphemy!

10!

9!

8!

7!

6!

5!

4!

3!

2!

1!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Soundtrack:
“Sunshine, Lollipops, Rainbows” – Leslie Gore
“So Wrong” – Patsy Cline
“Bezerker” – Love Among Freaks
“Glamour Is A Rocky Road” – My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult
“Champagne Supernova” – Oasis
“This Love” – Maroon 5
“Auld Lang Syne” – Robert Burns