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Disaster struck the country Tuesday when no clear winner of this presidential election was determined. Said Wyoming resident Sandra Smithe: "Oh my god. This is so weird! I stayed up really late Tuesday night to find out who the next president would be. And I still don't know. I'm really disappointed by this." Smithe expresses a concern that is believed to be rampantly widespread throughout the nation.

Bush backers accuse Gore of unnecessarily prolonging the election process. Bush told reporters yesterday, "I should be the president of the United States. I don't know what all the fuss is about. Gore already conceded to me." A transcript of that phone conversation follows:

Ring Ring Ring
Bush:Howdy!
Gore:Hi, Governor. It's Al. I just want to congratulate you on your victory. In Florida. Good job winning Florida. Oh and I guess that means you're president. Whatever.
Bush:Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaw!!!

Later

Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring
Bush:Howdy!
Gore:Hi, Governor. It's me. Al. You know how I conceded the election to you earlier tonight? I take it back now.
Bush:What? You can't take it back! There are no take-backs! Who said there were take-backs? I already started celebrating! This isn't fair, I won and you know, you sore loser. Yea, that's right. You are a loser. You were a loser in highschool, an even bigger loser in college, and you're the king kong of big losers now.

This state of limbo the country is currently in unprecendented in history. Never before have the American people had to wait so long for the results of a national election. Princeton Government and Politics professor Edwin Gregory said, "This is totally weird, guys. I mean, I stayed up so late for what? Nothing. No satisfaction. No gratification. No pleasure. Nothing. This is so typical of the electoral college. To keep me up at night and leave me high and dry, unfullfilled. Terrible. Gore is being a big baby about this. In past close elections, the loser politely conceded the election to the winner without going through all this recount poop. I mean, Gore already conceded the election. Everyone knows its in the Constitution that there are no take-backs."

Princeton Government and Politics professor Edwin Gregory went on to speculate on the state of absolute chaos that will ensue: "Ok, look, guys. It's early November now, and we are on a deadline here to inaugurate a new president by mid January. Gore is risking the balance of this country. The political balance, economic balance, electoral balance, my hormonal balance, the chakras, the astrological zodiac alignment, the astral plane alignment. I mean this is it, man. Just like in the book of Revelations. This is what they were talking about. Armageddon. Nothing less. All hell will break loose."

Nader defends himself

For those of you who missed all 4 and a half exciting hours

Debate Two:
Jim Lehrer:Mr. Gore what are the numerous specific details in your plan to end the violence in Isreal?

Al Gore:Well, Jim, it's actually quite simple. My plan breaks down into 5 phases, the first of which I call 'Phase One.' I kick things off in 'Phase One' by diplomatically exploiting our strategic advantage of our simulanteous alliance with Isreal and assumed neutrality by ... [boring details ommitted].

Jim: Governor, same question to you.

George W. Bush: ..pause.. Well, first I just want to say that it is a pleasure to be here in Salem, it's a great city, full of great people <smile>. And I also want to commend the current administration on their success in foreign policy. <uncomfortable silence> ... And that I essentially agree entirely with the Vice President.

Jimmy: So let me clear things up, here. There is no difference on your opinions on this issue?

Dubya: <smile>Absolutely right. Actually, as it turns out, if I actually win this election, I'll probably just hire Mr. Gore to be my foreign policy advisor. He's really quite a guy.

Al: Why thank you, Governor. You know the Governor is actually quite a guy, we go way back, me and Dubya. Can I call you Dubya? And I want to extend an offer to you. If by some freak accident I don't win this election, I will accept your offer proudly. And when I win, you are welcome to take a job as an intern in the White House.

Moderator: Okay.. New issue, new question. Mr. Bush, what is your opinion on gay rights?

George:Hm.. That's a good question. I'd like to designate Al to answer this one.

Al:Thanks, Dubya. George and I think that homosexuality is wrong, and we won't stand for it if either of us are elected. We plan to keep the sacred institution of marriage safe from homosexuality.

Dubya: And can I just add something? We aren't the kind of people who are mean. We are 'compassionate conservatives' remember? <wink>

Gore: <wink> Yeah.. <sigh> I mean, we don't think homosexuality is wrong in and of itself. I mean, we don't care what people do in the privacy of their own cabins on the weekend on a ski trip in colorado <wink>. I mean, everyone fools around sometime. We all get curious, don't we Governor? We just don't want to recognize alternate lifestyles in the law. You know? It makes perfect sense.

Jim:... What? Anyway, new topic. New question. Al Gore, what the hell are you doing?

Al:I'm just moving my podium over here so I can be close to Dubya so we can compare notes.

Jim:Okay.. Anyway, Mr. Gore, how do you and the Governor differ as far as your leadership skills and ability to take charge of a difficult situation go?

George:Oh I think I can answer this one for the Vice President. Al isn't really a take charge kind of guy. You know? <sniff> That's the difference between the two of us. For example, last weekend when we went skiing together, the power went out in our cabin, and we both were really cold. So there we were, both freezing cold in our beds, and for all this fuzzy math we heard last week, Mr Gore doesn't seem to understand that 1 plus 1 is just a bigger 1. I finally had to say to him, "Listen, Al, we are both freezing here. Let's do something. Let's conserve some energy like you're always talking about and just share a bed?" That's what I am all about, Jim. I am about bringing democrats and republicans together to get some positive things done <smile, wink>.

Al: ...blush... Yes I remember that, Dubya.

Jim: ... Okay, well. New topic, new question. Mr. Gore, how do respond to the allegations that you're a liar and a serial exagerator?

George: Al, before you answer, I just want you to know that I am sorry for saying those things. My campaign, you know, they just are all out of hand. They don't know you like I do. I know I've hurt you, and I feel really really bad about it. Can you forgive me? <sad puppy dog face>

Al: Georgey, how can I saw no to a face like that. Of course it's okay. Just let me defend myself here to the American people.

George: And just one more thing, I want the American people to know. Al Gore is not a liar, okay? I know about the rumors. About the internet. The AOL chatrooms. Well let me just tell you from first hand experience that he is NOT a liar.

Jim: What?? What is this about the AOLchatroomgate?

Al: Nothing, really, Jim. Let me just say this: I know I've gotten some details wrong, but I get the big things right.

Dubya: Heeeheee hee

Jim: What now?

Dubya:heheeee heeee heee heeeee. oh nothing. heee heeeheee. He just said heeeeeheee that he got the big things, heeheee.

Al: <blush> George, stop it.. you're embarassing me.

Dubya: Heeehee. You know what they say about Texas!

Jim: NEW TOPIC! NEW FUCKING QUESTION! Al Gore, what is your position on - Oh my god! what the hell is going on?

Dubya: This is Al Gore's position! Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaw!!!!! Rawhide!

Jim: anway, what is your position on internet censorship, Mr Gore?

Al: uugh, well Jim. ouch. My wife and I have been long time advocates of strictly censoring everything. including the internet. There is entirely too much smut on the internet. Ow, easy dubya. Kids shouldnt be exposed to that filth -

Dubya: oH yea, Al. What's my name?

Al: George Bush

Dubya: My FULL name <smack>

Al: George W. Bush! George W. Bush!

Al:.. . I don't know! I admit it, I don't know!

Dubya: oh, mr smarty pants doesn't know everything anymore does he?

Al: no i dont. i dont know it all

Jim: This is worst display I have ever seen in the history of television. You two candidates should be ashamed of yourselves.

Dubya spontaneously makes love to wife

But Bush took matters in his owns last night and upped the ante in this race when at a fundraiser in battleground state Pennsylvania he spontaneously grabbed his wife Laura and layed her down on stage to engage in "heatedly passionate sex."

When asked for comment afterwards, Bush explained the reasons for his actions: "Well, Gore soared in the polls after that spontaneous kiss, so in that moment in time, that instant, I realized what I had to do to win this race. Plus I was pretty horny." An aide close to Bush commented that "Bush has always thought of himself as the underdog in this race. So we agree with his decision to assume the underdoggystyle position with the future first lady."

Dubya commented that this was something he has wanted to do and was through beating around the bush, even though conventional wisdom dictates that a bird in hand is in fact worth more.

Tagonist's Place offically apologizes for this story.

Bush and Gore name each other as potential veeps.

Gore countered, "Good one, Dubya. In fact, we're both from states that start with 'T-E.'"

It is a well known fact that Bush was seeking a prochoice runningmate in an attempt to be more inclusive of traditionally prochoice voters such as women. Gore is also expected to help Bush with the environmental vote. Gore's suffering campaign, meanwhile, is expected to regain momentum with the inclusion of the popular George W. Bush.

Though the candidates have not officially decided, many political analysists are already thinking of the bizarre scenarios that could exist this fall. Princeton Government and Politics professor Edwin Gregory said, "This is really a bizarre situation we have here. It is totally unprecedented in history. If Gore wins, Bush is the vice-president. But if Bush wins, Gore is the vice-president. Isn't that weird?"

• In an English paper in 9th grade, Gore wrote that The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn was a "boring and stupid children's book." It is a commonly accepted fact today that Huck Finn is actually a classic in American literature. Republicans are expected to use this as evidence of Gore's "Un-American" beliefs; Gore' opponent in the bid for the presidency George Bush released this statement to the press: "Anyone who doesn't even know that Huck Finn is one of the most influential books of the 20th century can't be trusted in high office."
• More recently, Gore is alleged to have claimed to invent "faith based organizations." Experts believe, however, that this is a misunderstanding of his intent to support funding for them.
• At a fundraiser last week, Gore recounted fondly his childhood memories of playing with his dog Skip. "Skip and I did everything together, we played football with the neighbor kids, I taught him all these cool tricks, and he even helped me meet my first girlfriend." Gore biographers, however, pointed out later that Gore never had a dog named Skip. It is thoroughly unclear why he would make this up.
• Gore is also suspected of lying about the size of his penis in AOL chatrooms.
• Political analysts now think they understand why Gore made up the story about Skip, the alleged childhood pet: "Gore has been making some harsh statements insinuating that Bush is uncompassionate. For example, Gore said, 'My sources tell me that Bush was seen killing puppies for fun.' And, 'Bush claims to be pro-life, but in the state of Texas, under the law, a baby, an infant child, can be executed by the state if he commits murder.' We think that the Skip story is meant for of a metaphor for Gore's compassion for animals and love of youth."

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George W. Bush Explains his Platform

• School Shooting: George W. Bush has developed a comprehensive policy to eliminate school shootings in the future. His policy is known as Voluntary Abstinence From Making Fun of Psychos. This policy relies heavily on voluntary participation of millions of high school students across the country. Bush had this to say: "We don't need new laws against school shootings, we just need to enforce the laws we have. Also, we would like for any psychotic teenager who currently possesses a gun to use it only to kill small animals and not his classmates. Thank you." In addition, Bush took a strong stance on the murders by unveiling his new plan to endorse all voluntary cooperation by teenagers to not murder their classmates.
• Money: George W. Bush had this to say about money: "Money is good. We all like money. Therefore I am going to give everyone more money. Tax breaks for everyone. Whee! It'll be grand because we'll all be rich! Some people say, 'Georgie, is it really as easy as that?' and to them, I say, 'YES! It is, I can't believe this hasn't been tried before!'" Bush denied allegations that his tax proposal is a Get-Rich-Quick scheme.
• The death penalty: Since his state of Texas has an execution rate higher than most countries, some have labeled George W. Bush as uncompassionate. To reverse this image, Bush has developed a new policy for dealing with murderers, loosely based on his policy for dealing with environmental polluters. He called a meeting with all people currently on Death Row in Texas and asked them what kind of punishment they think they deserve. They unanimously agreed they have paid their time and should be released from custody of the state. George W. Bush sent their proposal to the State Legislature, which was ratified. The murderers are scheduled to be set free this week; Bush has sent each of them an assault rifle as a house warming present (with a note attached: "Please use this only for hunting").
• Puppy dogs and babies: Presidential hopeful George W. Bush assured the nation yesterday that he does in fact advocate Puppy dogs and babies.

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